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Not sure what just happened

(86 Posts)
Justkeepswimming95 Mon 08-Jun-20 20:32:14

I'm not sure what just happened and am posting this so I don't feel quite so alone right now.

My husband was lying on top of me (fully clothed, just cuddling). He is much heavier than me and after a short while it started to hurt so I asked him to get off of me but he completely ignored me.

After several more times of me politely asking him to get off of me and him refusing, I started to cry out of sheer frustration. He just laughed at me and told me there's no reason to cry but whilst still refusing to get up. He then started to continuously tap my face with his finger and ask me 'why do you need to cry? Stop crying over nothing'. He also wiped his nose on my face twice. I was still crying as I felt quite degraded, as silly as that may seem.

He eventually rolled to the side and I got up. He was annoyed at this point and asked me what was wrong with me and I snapped 'I don't like you'. I admit this may have been wrong of me but I meant I didn't like the way he behaved in that moment.

Well, now he is livid and has told me to pack my bags and get out or go and sleep in the spare room (we don't own a home together, we live with his family as they have a traditional extended Indian family set up). We sold my car last year and agreed that we would share his but now he has stated that I'm not allowed to take it so I can't even go anywhere. I feel so stupid.

I feel so upset but I don't know if this was all my fault, he has certainly made me feel like it is. We've only been married for a year and normally we are good but I just feel anxious now.

Thank you if you have read my post. It was a bit pointless I suppose but I don't have anyone else to tell. I don't want to tell my mother as it's just embarrassing.

OP’s posts: |
Shouldbedoing Mon 08-Jun-20 20:34:48

Thats a nasty physical powerplay from him

Blahblahblahzz Mon 08-Jun-20 20:35:15

Wiped his nose on your face? Are you financially dependent on him? How easy would it be to leave?

CodenameVillanelle Mon 08-Jun-20 20:35:20

That was absolutely horrible and really abusive behaviour. You aren't being silly to be upset and feel violated.
I don't think this situation will get any better. Do you have any realistic possibility of leaving him? Is your mum kind? I'm sure she'd want to help you.

Allnamesaregone Mon 08-Jun-20 20:36:28

How long have you been married OP?

minielise Mon 08-Jun-20 20:40:03

Is there anyone that can come and get you?

nubeejinnings Mon 08-Jun-20 20:51:55

That's awful. What happened was you were physically and mentally abused. Please try to leave when you can. His behaviour is unpleasant and threatening.

LadyFeliciaMontague Mon 08-Jun-20 21:08:54

but I don't know if this was all my fault

It was NOT your fault.
It was absolutely him, not you. Nasty.
If you packed a bag could someone pick you up?
flowers

StrawberryJam200 Mon 08-Jun-20 21:10:49

Does your culture "allow" you to leave him, OP?

iwilltaketwoplease Mon 08-Jun-20 21:11:09

Bang out of order! You didn't do anything wrong. I'd quietly pack a bag, message someone to get you and walk right out.

HollowTalk Mon 08-Jun-20 21:13:06

I would take his car and get the hell out of there. You are married - as long as you are insured, it's as much your car as his.

Do you have family you can go to?

Samtsirch Mon 08-Jun-20 21:25:15

OP I hope that your mother would rather have you safe and happy rather than worrying about it being embarrassing.
Please tell her, or someone else, this is disgusting behaviour and probably won’t be a one off.

MamaFirst Mon 08-Jun-20 21:26:24

Reading that gave me palpitations. My claustrophobia would have been in overdrive and I would have had a panic attack stuck under him like that. Horrendous. I feel if you don't stand up to him now, it sets a precedent. Not just the physically restraining you... But mocking you when you are clearly upset? That is so unloving. If he won't apologise and genuinely see the wrong he did, then imo I think you should leave. Could your Mum come and get you?

MaeveDidIt Mon 08-Jun-20 21:42:43

What a disgusting disrespectful bully.
He obviously thinks you are helpless and completely trapped.
Take the car and go to your parents.

MaeveDidIt Mon 08-Jun-20 21:44:00

...and please stop doubting your feelings and instincts - they are there to protect you.
Good luck.

Dear lord! what an ass! I couldn't just read this and not post. Hope you are not dependent on him financially. Wiping his nose on you just made me puke. Take the damn car and go live with friends. Just dump his sorry ass.

RandomMess Mon 08-Jun-20 21:51:35

That is just awful awful awful angry

DH could probably crush me/suffocate me doing that.

I remember once DH and I were play fighting and he didn't let me win (he always did) because we had said something about how is it would be for him to win. It was awful I was so upset and he didn't do it unkindly, nastily or anything it was just that realisation of complete vulnerability because I am tiny and DH tall and solid sad

Sadly I think your husband will
Increase his abuse against you...

CrazyToast Mon 08-Jun-20 21:55:03

100% his fault, he bullied you and now is blaming you. What are your options considering you live with his family? It may be harder for you to be able to stand up for yourself? If you possibly can take a stand you should, because he can't treat you like this. The way they behave badly sometimes and twist it round to make it your fault--sometimes I wonder if men get taught this from childhood.

You. Are. Not. In. The. Wrong. He is. And he's acting like a spoiled child to try to control you. I've seen this so many times and experienced it too.

Wearywithteens Mon 08-Jun-20 21:58:55

I agree with MamaFirst - it gave my heart a raised beat when I read it too. I would have panicked and lashed out. When he got off I would’ve kicked him hard in the testicles. The feeling of being trapped is bad enough but to be mocked and humiliated shows a cruel streak in him that is a big red flag. Don’t listen to his belittling of you (another red flag) - trust your instincts and walk away.

Coffeecak3 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:20:39

I’m sorry op. Your dh is a bully and this sort of behaviour will get worse.
Leave before you have children.

TiffanyPerspicaciaWeatherwax Mon 08-Jun-20 22:21:48

I felt dread reading that OP. What he did was physically and emotionally abusive. It's not silly, please don't minimise this in your mind or doubt your perception, what he did was a scary display of control. Take the car and go, and don't look back. It will only get worse.

Nicole0896 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:22:18

Not your fault. I would pack my bags and leave

Justkeepswimming95 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:40:25

Thank you all for taking the time to post, I appreciate it.

I do have some family, I'm close with my mother and she lives nearby. I just feel humiliated. Everyone in my family is divorced and I feel a bit self conscious that people will laugh at us if I get divorced so soon too, sounds daft but I can't help it.

He hasn't spoken to me since earlier. I just got in to bed and asked if I could have some of the duvet cover (he was laying on most of it) and he threw it in my face. He's sleeping on the floor now (his own choice, I haven't asked him to).

My MIL is very kind but she is physically disabled and relies on the men in the house to care for her (I am also her carer but I can't lift her) so she won't be able to defend me really for fear of them withdrawing their help. I don't blame her for this, I'd rather she was cared for.

What a mess. I think I will call my Mum tomorrow. I don't want to speak to him, he has a way of twisting things to make me feel like I should be the one apologising. At least if I don't say anything my thoughts will still be my own.

OP’s posts: |
TwinkleInYourEye Mon 08-Jun-20 22:46:51

Poor you - what a despicable thing to do. That is him showing you who is 'boss' - what an idiot. I doubt very much that anyone would laugh at you for getting away from this man. Leave him and have a happy life would be my advice x

Swallowsareback Mon 08-Jun-20 22:52:42

Sounds like he is an expert gaslighter too, so sorry you have experienced this. I would try and get to a safe haven.

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