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After identify abuse, how long did it take to leave?

(4 Posts)
ViewFromHalfway Mon 08-Jun-20 11:23:53

I have very recently come to the realisation the marriage I thought was pretty good is actually emotionally abusive. I don't know why it took so long to see it - I feel like such a cliche!

The problem is, I have no job and even without Covid etc. it would be difficult for me to get one (I'm autistic with mental health issues and have two autistic children who - in normal circumstances, though not currently because we're in Scotland with lockdown still in place - need to be driven to and from a school outside our catchment area).

If DH and I were to split right now I couldn't ask him to leave because we currently live with his parents and despite the fact I strongly dislike living here, DH has decided we're not moving for the foreseeable.

I am not in any immediate/physical danger and the boys have a good life here so I'm obviously not about to take them to a shelter or something.

So, I'm left thinking I'm going to have to play an extremely long game. I hate feeling like I'm lying but I see no other option until I can somehow get to the point where I can live independently (not helped by the fact we also have pets that require a garden). This probably means staying for years.

How have other people in similar situations managed to leave? How long did it take to get to that point?

OP’s posts: |
ViewFromHalfway Mon 08-Jun-20 11:24:26

And I've immediately spotted a typo in the title! Argh!

OP’s posts: |
Select500 Mon 08-Jun-20 15:45:55

Hi View,

It takes time, despite what some people say. It's all very well if some people need to take their kids to a shelter, but I agree in your case it would be a worse experience for them than staying in the house.

Make a CV and start volunteering in an area f interest. This is often a way into a job. If not, it'll get you more connected with people so you have nothing to lose.

Don't berate yourself for knowing it might take a while. You can't lose anything by making a few little changes that actually in the longterm might help. Start a separate back account with a rent/ house deposit fund, look at jobs you could think about applying to and if you need to qualify on things try and use the next few years to do that.

I think the key here isn't feeling bad with yourself that you can't or don't feel able to leave immediately. You sound like a sensible woman who isn't sure if she needs to leave and if she does, wants to do it slowly and properly without throwing her kids' lives into disarray. You're a good person and very smart. Nothing wrong with the longgame. when it feels bad tell yourself the small things you've put into place to start having more options: just knowing you're thinking about it and doing small things will make you feel better.

A lot of people put pressures on others to leave but I think there are two types of person: the sort who does something and just "does" it like that. And the sort who take longer to plan things. Both are fine. Obviously this advice doesn't apply if he gets physical. Then you need to tell his parents and ask them to ask him to find somewhere else to stay or you'll call the police on him.

NoMoreDickheads Mon 08-Jun-20 20:01:49

You and the kids should be eligible for a council flat. With you and your kids' health problems, you'd get medical points so you wouldn't have to wait as long.

In an ideal world you could get DH and his parents to throw you out.

Go to the council offices/speak to them (a homelessness service will still be running in some way.)

You will be in temporary housing for a couple of months perhaps, then get a flat. It depends on the area how long you wait to an extent of course, but it's worth doing.

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