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Do I leave now?

(203 Posts)
jaffa678 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:09:56

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Sun 07-Jun-20 23:14:07

Yep get rid. Too many red flags and you are still young at 30.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:14:18

Massive red flags here and you know it. Do you really want history to repeat itself?

FruHagen Sun 07-Jun-20 23:16:16

Yes leave now. Massive red flags. Saying your neighbour is a slag???!!! Telling you to unfollow male celebs???!!!!

You have a chance. Be happy with your child and you. That is the greatest gift. You two.

jaffa678 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:18:55

I just dont know how to go about it all. even though long term with my ex it was the best thing I ever done, short term it was an absolute nightmare. He would turn up crying at my parents house, threatened to kill himself etc.

This guy tells me I'm his soulmate, his favourite person, hes just got a new house and says he would love me to move in the near future (not going to happen as mine and my little girls happy place is together in our home)

My life is so busy at the moment and selfishly I dont want to turn it all upside down if he has a bad reaction to me ending it.

OP’s posts: |
indemMUND Sun 07-Jun-20 23:19:09

Lent, not borrowed you. Red flags, keep your vow. You'd be letting yourself down otherwise.

spacepoppers Sun 07-Jun-20 23:20:19

Good lord, bin him quick.

The absolute bloody cheek of him, what a hypocrite too. Please listen to the alarm bells that are going off in your head, take that red flag and run far, far away. Not just for your own sanity, but for your daughters sake too. You've done so well and overcome too much to piss it all down the drain on another abusive dickhead.

indemMUND Sun 07-Jun-20 23:22:07

Lockdown so called rules can aid you massively with a break up in this case.

spacepoppers Sun 07-Jun-20 23:22:47

@indemMUND is there really a need to pick her up on her grammar? I get the feeling it's a localism, I have friends in other parts of the country where this would be perfectly acceptable phraseology. It's unnecessary, to correct her.

jaffa678 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:23:34

@FruHagen Thank you. Yeah when we first met he said he was amicable with his ex, not so long ago he said she was a slag. Seen a massive change in his behaviour and language over lockdown
He blames the fact he has had lots of thinking time and too much time on his hands, theres no excuse.

He said because I followed male celebs it annoyed him so he started liking lots of pictures of female celebs. So so childish

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:23:44

Who cares what his reaction is? That's his problem. Dump him, block him, and call the police if he harasses you. What kind of example do you want to set for your daughter? That you'll stay with an abusive man because you can't be bothered to break up with him? Give your head a very hard wobble.

rainbowlou Sun 07-Jun-20 23:27:06

Nope nope nope! This isn’t just red flags, he is shouting out loud and clear he is a possessive, controlling, jealous arsehole!
That feeling you have being away from him, being safe and happy with your daughter?that is your priority and you won’t have that if you keep him in your lives.
Believe me I’ve been their and years on it still affects me and my dd x

rainbowlou Sun 07-Jun-20 23:27:59


Aerial2020 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:28:06

Oh my Gawd, listen to your protective voice.
He is showing his true colours.
Just the asking you to unfollow people enough.
Non of his business.
Get rid now.
Be selfish. Why the hell not. This is your time now. He is grooming you to do what he wants.

HollowTalk Sun 07-Jun-20 23:28:12

God, he's horrible! You have so much going for you - why on earth are you listening to this twat?

Tell him it's over, then focus on your PhD and your daughter for a while. You're way, way out of his league and he knows it - that's why he's trying to bring you down.

QualityFeet Sun 07-Jun-20 23:30:26

Christ in the very nicest way - go and work on your boundaries. They are still shot to pieces. You are obviously doing brilliantly and don’t need this fuck up fucking you up. Anyone of the things mentioned should have killed any passion stone dead.

PickAChew Sun 07-Jun-20 23:31:34

Last thing you need is another abusive relationship. Dump the dickhead and enjoy the freedom.

QualityFeet Sun 07-Jun-20 23:33:03

As for how you do it anyway you want. Simply you can say it isn’t working for me now. He has to listen and is not your responsibility.

Ellaandlouisqueenandking Sun 07-Jun-20 23:33:49

Loads of red flags. End it and focus on you and your daughter. Be brave, you've got this x

1235kbm Sun 07-Jun-20 23:34:58

OP you've hopped from one abusive relationship to another.

- A man that calls women 'slags' is a misogynist.
- He's controlling when your social media
- He's controlling how soon you respond to texts.
- He's 'swept you off your feet' abuser style, telling you that you're his soulmate in order to build false intimacy.

He's abusive OP. He hasn't changed at all, the mask has just slipped off.

You need to stop having relationships with men until you've done some work on yourself. When your self esteem is low, which it will be after an abusive relationship, it's easy to get sucked into a 'whirlwind' romance. However, sweeping you off your feet is also the MO of abusers.

Do the Freedom Programme. Read up on red flags and tell tale signs of abusers. Get some therapy and work on yourself. See if there is any therapy available specifically for survivors of abuse or trauma. Your local domestic abuse organisation should be able to point you in the right direction.

HoobleDooble Sun 07-Jun-20 23:42:18

He's 40 and acting like a teenager, calling people foul names when he's never met them and throwing strops left right and centre. He's obviously telling you who he really is, please listen and get away now.

SRS29 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:52:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoMoreDickheads Sun 07-Jun-20 23:53:34

He is abusive OP. sad Yes, please end it as soon as you can. You know it's not even one red flag, he's done loads of things.

SummerDayWinterEvenings Sun 07-Jun-20 23:56:57

End it do it in lockdown. Upon reflection I don't think we are compatible, Wish you all the best From Me. No kiss nothing. If he comes back just say the above and then say it's over. And move on. Contact the police if he contacts you a 3rd time -done.

jaffa678 Sun 07-Jun-20 23:57:17

@1235kbm thank you. Yeah I feel like the mask has defintley slipped.

Why do I attract these type of men, I seem to feel sorry for them and give them the benefit of the doubt! But no more, I need to start being selfish, I am more self aware than I have ever been.

Would a text message ending things after a year be inappropriate?

OP’s posts: |

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