Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Everything I do is annoying my husband(8 Posts)
Over the last couple of weeks I don't seem to be able to do anything without it annoying my husband. He is permanently grumpy and dissatisfied with everything; little habits (which are probably annoying, but everyone has those including him!), things I say, ideas I have - everything is wrong. We are abroad and still in a stricter lock down than the UK which is hard on all of us - our home is small and the country is hot so everyone is feeling annoyed with that and a bit fed up of course.
He is never irritable with our children, only with me. In the last few days he has not been affectionate either - the normal before-sleep cuddle type affectionate that is normal for us. I don't believe he is having an affair; he is never secretive with devices or his passwords/computer, even before lockdown he's quite introverted so he was never out at times I wouldn't expect, he also works in a very male-dominated industry. He's a very black and white person and I don't even think lying would occur to him.
I wonder if he is a bit depressed as we are a long way from home, and the coronavirus thing has trapped us here when we should have been visiting home this summer. I don't really know what to do - whether just to stay quiet and hope it blows over or try and push him to talk, although he's not one to respond well to that really.
Not sure how anyone can help really, just any similar experiences or advice would be welcome. We've always had a happy marriage till now - we're happy to give each other space and have never really argued more than a handful of times. We enjoy our children (5 and 7) and neither are difficult or particularly stress-inducing beyond the normal for their age!
I say try and talk at a moment when things are calm. Just, hey, are you ok, are we ok? It is hard being in a different country, on a lockdown, I guess it can make you quite claustrophobic. I think just ignoring issues and hoping they go away, never really works.
thanks for replying JustC. You're right, I would like to talk to him but I expect he will just clam up. We went to bed around half an hour ago but I just got up because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'll just go back when he's asleep so I can't annoy him! I actually feel really upset now I've written this - I don't think I'm an especially annoying person but I feel like he suddenly realised all this time that I am!
Oh wow hun, you shouldn't feel like walking on eggshells around a loved one. Talk by all means, but don't think for a second I am saying you are the issue. He is having an issue, you are being a supporting partner. You tippytoeing around him will make him think he:s got a right to be annoyed at EVERYTHING you do. He does not. We all get annoyed with partners here and there, but making someone feel like everything they do is wrong is not ok. If he is that bloody unhappy with you, he should go ahead and be by himself.
I've been the same with DP before. His ideas were wrong, his habits were wrong, his breathing was just wrong. Every little thing annoyed me. It wasn't personal. I was feeling down and annoyed by life in general.
Talk to him honestly and compassionately. He must be feeling the stress and isn't expressing it in an ideal way. Focus on what you can do together to make it better. He might need space, or some cuddles, or just acknowledgement of his feelings. Good luck.
Thanks. Yeah I'm hoping it's situational rather than long term. It's not a fun way to be though so I hope he gets over it soon or as a pp said before, if I'm so annoying he has the option to live without me!
Sounds like he may be a bit depressed, however there is only so far your understanding can go. Brushing it under the carpet won’t make it better but if he’s not willing to talk I’m not sure what more you can do. Can you explain to him how you’re feeling right now and and ask him what’s going on with him? He may not really know himself but at least it will be out in the open.
Doesn’t sound like depression to me. Sounds like being in a filthy temper because of lockdown. I feel like that quite often too. Lockdown IS awful but it’s hardly OP’s fault. Think you need to have a chat when kids are in bed and see what’s going on. It’s not acceptable to make you feel terrible but I’m not sure many people are at their best right now.....
Please login first.