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Rejected last night - he said it was weird(14 Posts)
I'm usually a very affectionate person but somehow have ended up with a emotionally barren man who isn't affectionate with me only with his children. Anyway I've learnt to live with it and we still had a good sex life. Since the last stages of pregnancy and having our baby our sex life has suffered. But we occasionally do have sex and it is ok. Last night I was feeling a bit better (have been suffering with PNA) and so tried to be affectionate and loving... Well it was met with "this is weird, what are you doing". I think he wanted to get back to his phone so I moved away and he said "no stay and sit with me". I did for a bit but just felt uncomfortable so went to bed. I know in the morning he'll try it on with me as he does pretty much every day. But I've sort of realised that he made it weird last night by telling me it was weird and I can't say I was over bothered but more just "why am I still with you". I hope that last bit makes sense. My head is a bit of a mess and I just can't seem to separate my feelings about it all. Mostly I just sort of felt nothing towards him and sad again I put myself about there to only be rejected for a mobile phone and being told what I was doing was weird.
My ex was like this. No physical affection unless he wanted sex. I brought it up over and over for years. Nothing changed until I said I was unhappy and wanted out - then he started trying but by then it was too late, and I ended things a few months later. It wasn’t the only thing that was wrong, but it was a big one. It always upset me, and I couldn’t see past it in the end, after a decade of rationalising that he showed love in different ways. Which he did...but I’m a physical person and I need physical affection back.
I would say you should talk to him, see if you can get him to counselling. But ultimately this is about different love languages and it’s a difficult one to solve. You are both who you are...
When he tries it on with you, just say « this is weird, what you are doing «
You need to have a serious discussion with him about how you are feeling.
I'm confused. What did you say to him?
E.g. "I need a hug"
And if needs be "I always feel better when you hug me"
Job done. Only a sadist would reject his partner in that circumstance.
Honestly there is nothing stopping you using your words to communicate your needs directly. Drop all this passive aggressive anguished secrecy emotional pain going to bed alone crying stuff. It is honestly not needed. Use your words. Read a book on male-female communication if you need to but please don't put up with this any longer.
I say this to my partner sometimes. Normally when it’s something we haven’t/don’t do at all and then he tries to do it and it just feels odd
For example, we never held hands at the beginning of our relationship at all as he didn’t like it (fine by me)... 10 years later when we went on a date night he went to hold my hand and I asked him what he was doing and that it felt weird.
When you get used to things a certain way, it does feel weird.
I would have just asked what is weird exactly. It's perfectly ok to not be in the mood for sex and just say that to a partner. But saying it's weird they are trying to have sex.. ..is weird in itself.
You are only allowed to want sex and/ or be affectionate when HE wants it. He’s the only one that counts.
When he next tries to initiate sex, ask him why that is not weird in his view given his response to you making a small gesture of affection.
I can see where you're coming from OP. But he didn't reject you for sex as such if you didn't mention it? You went for a kiss, he says that's weird (because it is given your description that you haven't done that for awhile) so you could have said "I fancied getting intimate" or whatever sounds natural for you. Instead you left and didn't communicate. But I can see why you felt hurt by the interaction.
How have you somehow ended up with an emotionally barren man - and had a child with him? The fact that you can't say I was over bothered but more just "why am I still with you" is very telling. And very sad. You need to take control of your life, for your child's sake as much as your own. Talk to him openly and really discuss where the two of you are with each other and where you want to go with this. But remember, people never really change...
Read about the 5 `love languages` and also John Gottman`s book about the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. You would probably find Nathaniel Barden's book about The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem helpful.
Re your comment:-
"I'm usually a very affectionate person but somehow have ended up with a emotionally barren man"
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Think about all this a lot more.
"who isn't affectionate with me only with his children".
So that sends them mixed messages as well; this sort of thing confuses them no end.
"Anyway I've learnt to live with it and we still had a good sex life"
Don't continue to learn to live with it. Would you want your children as adults like this?. No you would not. He is only affectionate when he wants it; your own feelings do not matter at all here to him.
Why couldn’t you have said “let’s have an early nice, Im in the mood” instead of kissing him? Do you “reject” him every morning? What worked well when it worked and you had a good sex life?
Speak to him!!!!
We were a lot more affectionate before pregnancy but things changed during pregnancy for him, not me. He wouldn't even hug me. I got on with it because I didn't have much choice. Sex after birth was painful. I had stitches etc then I think things just got worse. They are getting back on track now. I didn't need to say I wanted sex. He knew that was what I was getting at. We don't normally kiss day to day etc. No I don't reject him every time. I might try bring it up later.
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