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Any one a first time mum and disappointed with how their mother is acting?

(38 Posts)
PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 02:13:03

I’m a FTM and 16 weeks. I told my parents very early on I was pregnant due to social distancing and trying to shield.

At first my mother reacted the way I thought she would; super excited,etc. But as time has gone on I can’t help but notice that the excitement isn’t for me and my husband but just because she will be a grandma; I’m not even sure she’s bothered there’s a baby at the end of the pregnancy?!

When it came to 12 weeks I explained that we were only telling close family and friends as we had some tests we were waiting on before telling anyone else. As soon as we told close family, my mother saw this as a green light to tell every man and his dog.

I was really anxious for the test results and she brushed them off as if they were irrelevant; almost as if that was the only thing holding her back from sharing the news. And once she’d told everyone, I didn’t even get a text or a phone call asking if we’d received the results/the outcome.

Since this point she’s shown little interest in my pregnancy and when she does ask and I share a concern she shows no empathy or support whatsoever, almost comes across as though her asking was an inconvenience or that I’m being dramatic.

I could go on. I know being a grandparent for the first time is exciting, but I feel like she is forgetting the vital fact that her daughter is carrying the child. Is this normal behaviour?

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ACloudOfPurple Sun 07-Jun-20 02:22:47

It’s normal to be excited but it’s not normal to be only interested in herself and what she’ll gain from the situation. I think it would be worth trying to look very objectively at your history with your DM. Has she always been more interested in herself and dismissive of you and your needs or is this just a blip? If it’s the latter I wouldn’t worry she will surely pull through when you need her and I would be looking to find out if she needs support with anything. If it’s the former you are going to have to think very carefully about how and when you involve her in your life. It could really be either from what you’ve said.

PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 02:41:09

@ACloudOfPurple thanks for responding, I’m looking back and if I compare this to another big life event - my wedding - now it comes to it, she did show similar signs. She wanted to miss the rehearsal to get her nails done and I was supposed to wear her garter as something borrowed and when it came to it she was so busy getting herself ready she completely forgot to give it me.

It’s difficult as I have a younger sibling and she seems to flock around them. She sent them flowers recently as they were having a tough time with work. I haven’t received flowers at all, not even to celebrate the news. I know that sounds petty but evidently there’s some thoughtfulness in her.

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Inappropriatefemale Sun 07-Jun-20 02:51:39

My mum was the same. All about her! I spoke to a counsellor about it who said she was narcissistic, not her place to say so but it makes sense.

Mothers can also be very jealous of their daughters.

PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 03:10:50

@Inappropriatefemale Oh really?

Was it something you discussed with your mother?

I let it pass on my wedding; it’s just a day and there’s memories from that day that I cherish that override that. But pregnancy is just the start, this time round - I’m wondering if I should say something before it envelops me and taints our relationship.

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Inappropriatefemale Sun 07-Jun-20 03:17:55

Did I discuss my mother’s narcissism?! God no, I wanted to go to counselling with her and she point blank refused, says it all really.angry

Inappropriatefemale Sun 07-Jun-20 03:18:44

I think that deep down I dislike my mum and she knows it and feels the same.

She said to my brother that she doesn’t think I love her, yawn, it’s all about her.

Inappropriatefemale Sun 07-Jun-20 03:20:15

When we fall out then she makes the rest of the family lives a living hell for ^not* falling out with me! Classic narcissistic behaviour.

She also wanted my DD when she was born, well she got her when I got into addiction issues. She wanted her from day for, watch out for that!

Inappropriatefemale Sun 07-Jun-20 03:20:45

Sorry wanted her from day one!

Dougalthesyrianhamster Sun 07-Jun-20 03:33:02

This was my Mum. Totally uninterested in me, still is and my child is 5.
Zero emotional support, very much has a "What do you want me to do about it?" attitude whenever I've been upset (had Hyperemesis Gravidarum & was admitted to hospital loads during pregnancy; and my child has recently been diagnosed with Autism).
However she adores my child. She's never taken her anywhere or bought her anything though, besides for Christmas or birthdays.

Was totally different when my nephew was born 20 years ago! Polar opposite

1forAll74 Sun 07-Jun-20 03:54:31

Going back a few years now, but when I was pregnant with my first, and second babies, Both my Mum, and MIL were thrilled to be having grandchildren, but they did not really ask about anything else, until the babies were born. Those kind of things didn't ever bother me at all.

If I had been unlucky enough to have had any pregnancy problems, I probably wouldn't have mentioned them at all, as I lived 60 miles away from them, and wouldn't have wanted to worry them.

SecondStarFromTheRight Sun 07-Jun-20 04:17:52

@PipTed My mum is like this. Everything is about her. It did get so bad after my daughter was born that eventually I had to discuss it with her and she then didn't speak to me for 6 weeks. She also did what Inappropriate's mum did and tried to get other family on side. Nightmare.
She adores my daughter though and loves being a Grandmother.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Jun-20 08:53:06

PT

No its not normal behaviour at all though this type of scenario is more common than many people realise.

My mother was basically uninterested in becoming a grandparent and she did not change. She is very much like the mother that DougaltheHamster describes in that there was zero emotional support given; she felt more comfortable in going around to clean my brother's otherwise empty house.

I do not have much of a relationship with her these days and neither for that matter does my now adult DC.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Jun-20 08:57:02

Secondstarfromtheright

If she is too difficult for you to deal with, its really the same deal for your child too. Why is she seeing any of you given her own behaviours towards you?.

And there's that bloody word adore again!.

I would also keep your mother well away from your child going forward; your mother likes your DD because she sees her as an ideal sort of narcissistic supply and a way to get back at you as her "wayward daughter". She likes your child because she is cute, compliant and easy to win over; as your daughter ages and gets opinions of her own your mother may not like her as much.

PurpleMystery Sun 07-Jun-20 09:25:27

if she’s narcissistic she will see your child as an extension of you. So if you are the scapegoat your child will likely be scapegoated. You need to really understand your family dynamic well and think about how/if you want to put your child into that dynamic

Healthyandhappy Sun 07-Jun-20 09:25:32

How is your mil acting

PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 09:36:37

@Inappropriatefemale I’m sorry that your mother is so difficult and self involved that it has had such an impact on your relationship. I think you are right in cutting ties, as her behaviour seems toxic - impacting everyone around her.

And yes she has implied something about wanting this virus to be contained before baby is due, so she can have the baby all to herself. If that is the case, I selfishly hope indoor visitors are still forbidden. At least being pregnant I can protect baby in my stomach! I’m almost dreading what she’ll be like once I give birth.

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PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 09:41:00

@Healthyandhappy MIL is the cutest, sends messages to my husband daily hoping I’m doing ok and when I reach a new milestone she contacts us and tells us all about the baby’s development (which she has been reading up about). She knows how far along I am to the day - I don’t even know if my mother knows that?

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PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 09:50:53

Thank you everyone who has responded. It’s a comfort to know I am not alone, although I do not wish the stress of this situation on anyone.

Perhaps this is being compounded by lockdown, but I would have thought my mother would be super aware of the mental health impacts a situation like this can have on a hormonal pregnant woman. Then again, perhaps I should lower my expectations and then I will not be disappointed.

Regarding my child, it’s difficult as I really don’t think my mother knows how much her behaviour is upsetting me, and I’m worried that if I don’t address this with her than I will grow to resent her and this will affect her relationship with me and the child in the future. But then again, do I want her heavily involved if this is how she conducts herself?

I expect if I say something, she will make it all about her. I’ve already had the spiel about how hard lockdown is on her (she’s still working and is able to go to a supermarket) - I’m in total lockdown and until this week the only people I have seen in person is my husband and my parents. 🙈

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Healthyandhappy Sun 07-Jun-20 10:15:24

It's hard when like that my mil used to say could miscarry til birth used to right annoy me. My mum asked how I was but ultimately I was alone other than husband. Baby came and mum always busy etc but their for chats but mil always been more involved and takes on weekend breaks etc. Just roll with it and when baby comes remember how nice your mil was and dont push her away saying interfering etc xx

SecondStarFromTheRight Sun 07-Jun-20 10:15:44

@AttilaTheMeerkat I understand what you're saying but life isn't always as simple as MN and going no contact. I'm certainly being careful with the exposure my daughter has to my mother. I won't be allowing childcare for example.

SecondStarFromTheRight Sun 07-Jun-20 10:19:05

@PipTed Whilst it's a horrible situation to be in, it's probably good you've identified this now rather than later on. You can start to create some distance and boundaries early.

Moana19 Sun 07-Jun-20 10:25:18

Sounds very similar to my Mum who I suspect to be a Narcissist. Who also wouldn't take up my offer of counselling to help our relationship. And who tries to make me out the bad person everytime and I'm now no contact with, again! If I was you I'd be wary of her trying to come between you and your relationship with your husband/child.

PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 11:10:08

@Healthyandhappy unfortunately, I had a miscarriage last year and I confided in her as she also had one many years ago. The main thing she could say was She never thought I would give her a grandchild (we have always been ‘what will be will be’ people so we don’t set up expectations and put pressure on ourselves) and that at least I know I can conceive. 🙈

Yes I think my husband has a good steer on his parents and is able to tactfully say something if they are getting too overbearing, in which case they would be mortified if they were making us feel that way.

With my mum I have to literally spell it out to her, otherwise she will not get the hint.

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PipTed Sun 07-Jun-20 11:12:13

@SecondStarFromTheRight thank you, yes. The positive from this is that I can look out for this behaviour and take control of the situation now, before the baby is born!

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