Five years of misery

[MagdaS]

I fell out of love with my DH about five years ago. We’ve muddled along since.

He isn’t abusive. He pulls his weight. He couldn’t be better with the children.

He has told me he loves me maybe 3 times since we got married. Only when I ask him if he does. I used to tell him I did but gave up when I got literally silence back. Now I don’t love him. I want to feel loved and wanted.

Sex is irregular and ends up with me having a panic attack as it feels like a violation.

He knows I am unhappy but brushes it under the carpet. Splitting would devastate the DCs.

WTF do I do?

[Noti23]

Divorce.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Leave, and build yourself a happy life!

[GilbertMarkham]

Do you think you could love him again if he was demonstrative, loving etc. to you?

[GilbertMarkham]

Would you both consider counselling?

[Crystalspider]

Split and co-parent, you could still be both around the DC on friendly terms as in family occassions/day trips etc, nothing bad as happened you just don't love each other any more.
Sounds a miserable life they way things are, i'm not sure any amount of counselling would work if the love and determination isn't there.

[billy1966]

It's over OP.
Prepare yourself as much as you can emotionally and financially.

Be kind to yourself and prepare yourself.

Seek support from familand friends.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Do you want to waste your life living like this? The kids must pick up on your relationship.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I used to tell him I did but gave up when I got literally silence back.

That's awful OP! And don't shag him if you don't want to- he hasn't treated you in such a way that he deserves it or that would make any sane woman want him.

Your kids will be ok if you split up- it's not uncommon.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You do not need his permission to leave, only your own.

The children indeed will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, here.

Do not do your bit further here to teach your children that a loveless marriage like you describe here could be their norm too. Its no legacy to leave them.

[quicknameymcnamechange]

I was in a marriage where he never said he loved me. And affection was only when he wanted sex. As a result, similarly to you, I felt like sex was a violation. I couldn't enjoy the affection because I knew it just meant he wanted sex. I left 3 years ago and it was the best decision of my life!!!

[MagdaS]

Thank you for your replies. I didn’t expect that to be so overwhelmingly in favour of leaving. I have confided in a couple of people and they’ve told me either to stick it out for the sake of the children as it’s not toxic, or warned me that the grass isn’t greener.

I can see why, on the surface we have a nice and comfortable life.

I think he does love me, he’s just incapable of saying it. He shows it through acts of kindness - pulling his weight in the house.

But I need to be told, I think and that absence has caused me to withdraw to the point I don’t feel it anymore myself.

We discussed counselling a couple of years ago and he just went for a churchy one where their tagline was ‘keeping you together’. I wanted all options to be on the table so didn’t pursue it.

It’s not spoken about unless I occasionally get drunk and angry with life and then it is all very deliberately ignored and forgotten about the next day.

What a mess.

[quicknameymcnamechange]

Bet he's a Capricorn