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Shouls I tell his mother?

(23 Posts)
EmilyG2010 Sat 06-Jun-20 16:42:39

At 40 I met a muslim guy B who was 36 and told him I wanted to settle down and have a baby so I wanted someone who was looking for the same. I wanted us to get to know each other and then start trying for the baby within 6 months. He was fine with this and when I asked if culture was a problem he said it wasn’t. So we got into a relationship but he kept pulling away (going silent for a week or so or even dumping me but then coming back). After a few months had passed I was realising that a relationship wasn’t going to happen with him. By then I was well over 40 and I was thinking I didn’t have time to meet anyone else and have a baby with them. So I thought I would stay with B and try to get pregnant. I did try to date other guys but was always drawn back to B when he got in touch again. After a while I felt terrible trying to date other guys while I obviously wasn’t emotionally ready to do so. I have met and dumped so many while I have been with B and I hate the fact that I’m messing people around.

B was telling me all the time he was madly in love with me and just didn’t know why he was pulling away all the time. He said he couldn’t help it. I searched the internet for answers and discovered he has ‘avoidant attachment’. After more searching I discovered he is enmeshed with his mother (basically a form of abuse). Characteristically mother enmeshed men do everything their mother wants because they feel guilty if she's not happy.

About a year ago he mentioned his mother wanted him to have an arranged marriage abroad, however he still spoke about wanting to marry me. Recently he told me he has decided to go ahead with the arranged marriage. But, he is still asking if we can we see each other, talking of a life with me and saying he hopes the marriage doesn’t work out so we can be together. I really do not want to see him while he is married but don’t think I have the strength not to go back to him! Plus he only lives down the road from me so I am sure to bump into him.

What I want advice on is whether I should go and confront the mother and tell her we are in this relationship. This is a strict muslim family and I know it will cause a lot of problems, however this is the only chance I can see of us being together (I have asked him to tell his mother himself but he refuses). My man is very childlike and I feel like he wants/needs a girl who will stand up to his mother.

It has been suggested that I am thinking of confronting the mother out of malice and I will say yes I do feel a lot of frustration for this situation. It has been now 2.5 years with B. I feel I have missed the boat to marry/have a child elsewhere, there has been a lot of emotional turmoil and I feel he has not been upfront with me (like he could have a told me he couldn’t marry outside of his culture when he first realised it probably one year ago). Male friends have suggested he has just been saying he loves me and talking of marriage to get sx and all the talk was lies.

That aside I don't think I am thinking about this out of malice. I am thinking it could be the only chance and I have put in so much effort to the relationship it would be a shame to let that go to waste.

I have had an abusive past, this is why the baby thing did not happen for me previously and I have always ended up with men who have treated me badly. Partly why I have stayed with this one who has been different. I know this is cheesy but it also feels so spiritual with B. I feel like he is my twin flame.

So should I write the mother a letter or not? B says he will never speak to me again if I do. In some ways this is a good thing.

One last thing to add is that I am B's first relationship and I feel he is somewhat naive. Also I am a white christian girl.

OP’s posts: |
checkingforballoons Sat 06-Jun-20 16:49:20

Honestly? Walk away. This is never going to work out.

TinyPigeon Sat 06-Jun-20 16:53:18

You're a 40+ year old who describes themselves as a girl? hmm

Block and move on.

Bluntness100 Sat 06-Jun-20 16:53:38

Seriously? How did you not know this was going to happen? And how could you not know that he will never see you again if you either tell his mother or if you fall pregnant.

He is not interested in a serious relationship with you. Your male friend is right.

Regularsizedrudy Sat 06-Jun-20 17:00:23

It sounds like the time pressure is clouding your judgement so you are chasing this guy hoping it will be the quickest option. It’s not, there is no future is this. Walk away.

JustC Sat 06-Jun-20 18:30:19

Not trying to upset you, but it seems (possibly because of your past troubles) to view this in a very teenage sort of idealised way. He is a grown man who is stringing you along. Twin flame, confronting his mother for not 'letting' him be with you? When you read this back, does it not sound a bit teenagey to you? If he wants to respect his religion/culture he should go ahead and to that, not ask you yo basically be his mistress. You really need to distance youurself from this awful man.

Mistystar99 Sat 06-Jun-20 18:40:02

You have already been pretty daft, don't make it worse. Walk away with any pride you may have left and leave him to his arranged marriage and pushy mother.

TheresNeverEnoughCheese Sat 06-Jun-20 18:40:36

I had a similar situation. Met a muslim man who I was in a relationship with, at the beginning he pulled away a bit but we got over it and a few years down the line decided to have a child together. When I was 6 months pregnant he flew abroad, married a girl from his home country in secret and on the night our son was born broke down and confessed. Wanted to be in a relationship with both of us because he couldn't choose. I left him and he brought the wife here, got her pregnant straight away and baby will be born in the next few weeks.

Its been awful for everyone involved. Him and his wife argue, he and I argue, his wife and I argue. It's constant drama and it's horrible. And the final outcome is that none of us are happy because none of us got what we wanted. Absolutely walk away from him because being involved in this will make your life miserable and no child deserves to be caught in the middle of something like this.

Ipadipod Sat 06-Jun-20 18:43:03

Walk away , don’t tell his mother either, do you really think it will change her mind confused

Trevsadick Sat 06-Jun-20 18:44:12

Twin flame?

No he isnt. He knew you were never going to have a proper relationship. Depsite knowing that he pretended you were so he could keep having sex with you. Knowing waht you wanted relationship wise.he isn't kind or nice or your twin anything. He is a twat, who took time away from you. He will keep taking your time away, until you can no longer have children.

I very much doubt he is abused by his mother. He may be close to her. But thats a convenient excuse for you too give him. Makes this, not his fault.

Chances are that he has known and agreed to the marriage a long time before now.

If you go 'confront' his mother, nothing will happen. There will be drama, he will cut you off for a bit and then turn up few months down the line, married, but saying he can't live without you.

Half of my family are Muslim of pakistani origin. I have seen this played out again and again. Often the parents know their soon has a woman on the side and everyone just doesnt mention it. Obviously, not all Muslims are like this. But when this happens the OW wastes their lives believing the man they love is a victim of his parents. When the truth is he was happy for the marriage. The OW spends their life being an open secret having half a relationship.

I get you are on a time limit. But try for a baby with anyone after 6 months is likely to not work out well.

Get out now. He is using you. Its his decision to do so.

Trevsadick Sat 06-Jun-20 18:48:08

It has been now 2.5 years with B.

Wtf? So you are now 42 and a half?

He doesnt need a woman who will stand up to his mum. He is happy with status quo.

You will be air brushed out of the picture

AlwaysCheddar Sat 06-Jun-20 18:51:52

Walk away.

022828MAN Sat 06-Jun-20 18:51:56

I couldn't even get through that whole post. The whole thing is a distaster. If you're desperate for a baby then you should go through the appropriate steps for official sperm donation (not a man who tells you he loves you but whose actions say otherwise), or look at adoption.
But first and foremost, get some self respect. Rather than researching and diagnosing this man's mental health issues, do some research into your own wellbeing and why you're willing to be treated like this by him, and yourself.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 06-Jun-20 19:03:19

I’d walk away. A conservative Muslim family won’t be overjoyed their sons with a non Muslim who’s too old to have babies.

Your male friends are right, he wanted sex & they will say anything to get what they want.

Itwasntme1 Sat 06-Jun-20 19:25:45

Use a sperm donor.

This man isn’t interested in anything serious, and you are making ridiculous excuses for him.

Justcallmebebes Sat 06-Jun-20 21:37:55

Walk away. His mother will probably make mincemeat of you. This is going nowhere fast

Happynow001 Sat 06-Jun-20 22:30:19

Really OP how do you think things will play out if you tell his mother? Yes there may be an almighty row between him and his family but they will close ranks against you and he'll have his arranged marriage anyway.

Do you think he honestly had any intention of going against his family's expectations and bring shame on his parents for breaking the marital agreement already made and set up with you?

I wonder whether his family aren't aware of you already and actually don't see you as a serious threat because of the son's familial obligations.

Time to give up on him and move on and, please, have more respect for yourself if he comes back again asking you to secretly be his mistress. That's a waste of your time and no life for anyone.

BumbleBeee69 Sat 06-Jun-20 22:41:53

OP you're spending all this time and effort trying to analyse someone who has no interest in you ... except as a booty call...

get over this bullshit and find a man who will cherish you and not just use you for Sex...

Trevsadick Sat 06-Jun-20 22:43:55

I dont think op will come back. Which is a shame. She needs support.

But i think she expected everyone to tell her to put his mum in her place, protect her poor boyfriend and fight his mum for her man.

Except, if you need to fight his mum (or anyone) for him, he isnt 'your man' or worthing fighting for.

donquixotedelamancha Sat 06-Jun-20 22:52:31

Welcome to Mumsnet, OP.

RantyAnty Sat 06-Jun-20 22:54:20

Forget about him and see about getting a sperm donor right away.

Telling his mother will do nothing. He'll just pretend you dont exist. His arranged marriage has always been planned. Yes, he lied.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 06-Jun-20 22:57:14

Your level of immaturity and lack of common sense is shocking for a woman of your age. I'm not meaning to sound so harsh, but it's simply the truth. You need to block this useless man and get into therapy as soon as humanly possible.

DameFanny Sat 06-Jun-20 23:14:51

You're not in a relationship. You're pathologising his lack of commitment and his wanting to still get his end away to avoid facing up to the fact that he isn't choosing you, and it's not because he's 'enmeshed' - he just doesn't see you as a partner.

Block his number, move on, buy a vial of sperm if you have to.

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