Husband sending beyond flirty texts to ex

[Smillar2020]

Posting for a friend.
DH and I been married for 9 years, 2 DC. Recently found texts on his phone to an ex gf (think it was casual, not serious relationship). They were extremely flirtatious and reminiscing about the great sex they used to have. She said that she had recently split from her husband and joked about looking for an eligible bachelor and did he know anyone. He replied to let him know if his turn came around again. She said if he was back on the market she would consider it.
Friend is devastated. Appears to be no contact for almost a week now and she doesn’t think anything has actually happened. She isn’t sure whether to confront him or not. I’m not sure either. Any advice please?

[Smillar2020]

Sorry should have said DH and friend have been married!

[WinnieWonder]

Wow. Is there any point confronting him. He will deny it, minimise it, hide it better.

He wants to cheat.

Advise your friend to get very turned off. I would be looking to become a lot more independent in her shoes. Women take their power away by ruling out the option of independence so early on.

Tell her to get a JOB as soon as possible if not. If he is not co-operative and supportive about her working then he is just an all round dick head. He's planning to cheat on her and standing in the way of her independence.

[TwentyViginti]

She should watch and wait, I think. No confrontations yet, or he'll get clever at hiding shit, if there's anything to hide.

[Elieza]

He was out of order discussing sexy stuff with her but told her he wasn’t available.

So he’s not totally happy but not that unhappy with his partner that he’d leave her yet.

Perhaps he’s just daydreaming and she’s in his wank bank?

Or now she’s on his mind and he’s starting to think about his current relationship and whether he’s happy or not.

Perhaps your pal needs to talk to him about their relationship and see if he’s happy with life in general? The only prob about doing that is he could wonder what’s brought this convo up and guess she’s seen the message and try and hide stuff in future in case she sees it. You don’t want that.

[Smillar2020]

Well he didn’t say he wasn’t available. He said let me know if my turn comes round again (implying he was the bachelor) and she said only if he was back on the market she would think about it. Friend reckons if said girl had said yes he might’ve taken action. Sounds like the ex knows he is married and won’t do anything unless he split from wife.

They had really flirty messages back and forth for a good few days, talking about the amazing sex. He also said her body was amazing etc. I really hope it’s just a silly fantasy of his as they were never that serious, just a fling that went on for a year or so I believe.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

Not a chance I would sit back and say nothing. Its not a game and it sounds terribly stressful an upsetting for your friend. So I would have been confronting him

[needhandhold]

So disrespectful. I’d end my marriage over this. No way I could continue to live with somebody who had done this. It’s one of my personal boundaries so it’s a big nope from me.

[needhandhold]

I’d also be really mean about it because I’m built that way when it comes to this sort of stuff (due to being cheated on before). I’d organise a rental property without telling him and slowly and secretly move myself and the kids out. I’d get a solicitor. I’d organise to move out and on the day of moving, I’d leave behind a copy of the messages plus divorce papers.

[Smillar2020]

She thinks If it was really just stupid innocent fun (innocent being a loose choice of words) then she should have it out with him and see what he really wants from their marriage.

[Elieza]

It went on for days? Fuck that. He’s pushed his luck there. I’d have it out with him as to WTF he thinks he’s playing at. He’s probably just stocking up in sexy chat for his wank bank later but that’s not the point if it’s going on for days behind the other half’s back.
Not acceptable.
Not innocent fun.
If it was my man he’d be dumped.

[category12]

He was testing the waters for a bit on the side, but she didn't take him up on it. He'll probably try again. If your friend is financially dependent on him, she should work on getting independent so she can make decisions by choice rather than need.

[LittleWing80]

The problem with confronting in my experience is that you NEVER get the truth. They always deny. Only if confronted with a lorry full of hard evidence, they would admit to the least incriminating thing (yeah it was stupid texts, I was bored, didn’t mean anything....).

I agree with the PP who said he would probably have done it if he had the opportunity (ie the ex hadn’t say ‘let me know if you’re back on the market’). If he is ready to cheat sooner or later, he will find an opportunity elsewhere.

I’d sit and monitor if I were her.

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

This IS cheating in my book. Fuck him off.

[MsDogLady]

The entire conversation is a betrayal. That would be it for me.

[copycopypaste]

I'd be beyond upset about that text exchange. It looks like your friends dh would have been straight in there has she given him the green light.

I'd have a very serious think about my relationship if my dh did that

[Greenkit]

Where is her line?

Is this it...

I would print out all the messages and then confront him.

[Smillar2020]

Friend feels the ex has led him astray knowing fine well he is married. She doesn’t know whether to keep checking for evidence and try to continue as normal and hope it was just a stupid couple of days with texts, then her H will realise how much he loves his family.

[backseatcookers]

Friend feels the ex has led him astray knowing fine well he is married.

Women, eh? Nothing but trouble are we.

Poor men being pursued relentlessly by us leading them astray.

Tell your friend her husband is an adult and in full control of his own behaviour.

He knows it's wrong and he knows how to block and delete. He hasn't. That's on him.

Always a woman's fault.

[Smillar2020]

I don’t believe it’s the OW fault. Agree with all of you.

Seems like the texts stopped a few days ago. Wonder if it’s over.

[howlatthetrees]

I would end the marriage over this. Although I’m not sure how it’s the ex’s fault, your friend has even said that if the ex had said she’d have sex with DH he would’ve done it. So surely DH is at fault?

[category12]

Friend reckons if said girl had said yes he might’ve taken action.

vs

Friend feels the ex has led him astray knowing fine well he is married

Self-delusion is an unfortunate thing. She doesn't need to confront him, she's already making up his excuses for him.

[LJenn]

Print them out, confront him and toss him out. This IS cheating. The absolute disrespect, of this man. I don't care whether she was testing waters, whether she was leading him on, knew he was married etc etc.. HE'S the one who's in a relationship and HE'S the one being disrespectful. On your bike mate👋🏻

[Smillar2020]

Just got a proper look at the texts (photos taken). One of the texts from the H said to the OW that he was sorry he’d never taken her on a people date (with a joke about being too busy in the bedroom) and would’ve loved to have seen more of her if he’d thought she’d been interested (in anything more than sex I presume, reading between the lines). This was in the midst of their sexting last week. Is he trying to woo her again? Think my friend needs to confront.

[Smillar2020]

Proper not people

[MistakesOwned]

Seems like the texts stopped a few days ago
Other ways of getting in touch OP (bitter experience).