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Would this be classed as abuse? I'm desperately low.

(8 Posts)
Oliveoil2020 Fri 05-Jun-20 19:19:53

Long story short. Ex husband of 22 years found an OW and also said he was a cross dresser. In my attempt to make out marriage work, he said he would have sex with me if he could be dressed as a woman as well as saying "don't worry, I'll leave the OW". I was sickened by the thought as I had no idea he was a X-dresser and had been since his teens apparently . He donned stockings, suspenders and a g-string and insisted that I used a strap-on (we'd never even talked about one during our long marriage) to penetrate him. I have never felt so revolted in my life and even after three years, it still does not leave my mind. As soon as he had "finished off" he leapt of the bed and said "actually, I don't know where I stand as I'm still going back to the OW." You can only imagine how I felt?!!!

Moving on, we have been divorced for three years and have a court order for maintenance. Last year he wanted it reduced and I eventually agreed. 9 months on, he's written again to my lawyers to say that he and the OW and their kids need heaps of money so they are giving me a solitary £500 (it's usually a lot more and agreed by the courts). This would leave me and my special needs son homeless.

What I'm getting at is the endless abuse. Not only sexual but financial. It seems like he just can't let me go and get on with my life. The divorce was his idea and not mine, but the hell he has put myself and "our" children through has been horrific and never ending.

Where do I go from here? Can I inform the police?

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Fri 05-Jun-20 19:23:44


No idea have you joined the trans widow thread? They may have some relevant advice.

It does sound like you were coerced into sex angry

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 05-Jun-20 19:23:56

I would just take him back to court for the original amount of maintenance tbh - not sure what you think the police can do about it? You consented to some weird sex that you didn't like, years ago, and he lied to you. He didn't do anything illegal, and i wouldn't call it abuse, just being a dick.

Have you had any therapy around any of this? Seems like a long time to be holding onto all this angst, and not at all connected to the child maintenance order, which should be dealt with by your lawyer.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 05-Jun-20 19:30:45

are you still having sex with this man OP ? Please go back to Court .. I hope you are taking care of yourself OP.. please flowers

1235kbm Fri 05-Jun-20 19:33:39

OP, he sounds repulsive and I can only say that it sounds lucky that the OW took him off your hands.

First I suggest you contact either Rights of Women or FLOWS for legal advice. They can direct you on the money side of things.

You haven't given details of the abuse but gather all evidence such as text messages, emails, letters or phone messages. Include any witnesses such as friends or family and collate it in a folder in chronological order.

Change his number to 'messages only' meaning that his calls go straight to voice mail. Refuse to communicate in any other way other than email. Set up a separate account for his emails.

You can also contact Gingerbread for information on benefits, child maintenance etc They can help you work it all out and point you in the right direction regarding support for your son.

You can contact Shelter regarding issues with the house.

I suggest you look into some therapy, contact your local domestic abuse organisation to find out if there are any charities offering trauma counselling for those who have experienced domestic abuse. You may be able to do some online. Otherwise, do a search and find out what's available in your area.

If he turns up at your house, do not let him in and contact 999 if he has been threatening you. There is an app you can download called Brightsky which you can record audio and video for evidence.

If he has been stalking you, then contact the National Stalking Helpline.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 Fri 05-Jun-20 19:42:58

I think it sounds a lot more than just being a dick .

Coercing you to have sex that crossed over your boundaries and then not even leaving the room before telling you he was getting back with the other woman . That is extremely nasty and violating to you , and I understand why it's still in your head . But that fucker doesn't deserve to be there .

Can you say more about the type of abuse that is ongoing ?

It sounds like you are under a huge amount of stress , a son with needs and your financial situation being precarious .... I'm sorry . It sounds awful.

category12 Fri 05-Jun-20 19:44:06

I'd go back to court regarding the money.

If he's harassing you, then go to the police. Speak to a solicitor about legal measures to keep him away. Limit communication to through lawyers.

NoMoreDickheads Fri 05-Jun-20 20:28:57

As soon as he had "finished off" he leapt of the bed and said "actually, I don't know where I stand as I'm still going back to the OW." You can only imagine how I felt?!!!

OMFG That's awful OP. What a horrible man. So sorry you went through this. xxxxx

I hope your solicitors can help with the money.

I'd recommend the Freedom Programme, if only because you meet so many supportive women there (during Lockdown some areas etc. are running some things over Zoom) and also you could look into therapy for the sexual abuse. flowers flowers flowers

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