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Advice please

(26 Posts)
Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:45:06

My partner and I are having troubles. I moved into his during lockdown. We spoke about living together many times and that was the plan anyway for later this year in normal circumstances. I still have my own place. His place is bigger and he has some diy work he wants to do before selling the property. So it made sense to move into his. I’ve offered to help and offered to pay for diy work if needed. He has just finished working fir one employer and is about to start work in a few more weeks with another. He is concerned about the amount of diy and the cost with no income coming in. And he is afraid the next employer may pull his job or that they will insist on him working away straight away hence he feels pressured to get the diy done. Sometimes I have been clumsy ( left stuff on the Kitchen worktop, not stacked dishwasher right, spilt something on floor and carpet). He says he thinks I’m not capable of being careful. I asked if it would be helpful for me to move back to mine in the meantime so he can get things done without my being here. I’m working from here at The moment. I also help in the garden and some of the housework and purchase groceries. but I admit he does most of the Cooking but he says he enjoys it. I do try to be careful. But I still manage to trip up over things and upset him. He says he is over reacting. And that he would not be bothered if he wasn’t trying to get the house ready to sell. We all have our own ways in our own houses as to how we like things to be. When I ask how can I help he says I can help by being more careful as he has enough to do but he says he doesn’t think I am capable of that. Bit lost as to what to do as when I try to do something however small for him I seem to do something clumsy again.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Fri 05-Jun-20 09:55:51

Move back to your own place where you can relax. Why did you offer to pay for DIY on HIS house?

Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 10:08:12

Thanks for the response. My reasoning for offering is because I think of us as couple and I thought it would be supportive. He said he does not want to take me up on the offer. I did say there was no strings to the offer. Bit more background - we both have our own places but we have spoken for a number of years of having a place together in a part of the country that we both enjoy. He is wanting to do work on his place before we do that (I've done similar to mine in the meantime both to enjoy whilst I live in it and to help when it comes to selling it). He is facing a big change with a new job in a different part of the country - which is where we want to go. Moving in I admit is a change for me as I have lived alone at mine for many years.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 05-Jun-20 10:13:42

Is being on your own really worse than being with this man?. He does not think of you as a couple and he treats you with the utmost disdain.

What are you getting out of this?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would move back out asap; this is not working and will never work out.

bluejelly Fri 05-Jun-20 10:14:31

Totally agree with Atilla. He sounds extremely uptight.

bluejelly Fri 05-Jun-20 10:15:02

Attila, sorry

NoMoreDickheads Fri 05-Jun-20 10:29:10

I wouldn't like this, and if you did move in somewhere new together, I bet he would still be picky and make you feel anxious and afraid of doing something 'wrong.'

It's not even just that he's a bit anal, it's kind of abusive how he's making comments bout you as a person- you are clumsy, you're not capable of being careful etc.

Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 10:33:02

Yes, he does admit to over reacting at the moment.
To give some balance, earlier in the year when my father passed away he supported me emotionally and practically, attending the funeral, staying at mine full time for a number of weeks as I went through the worst of it, cooking meals together, going for walks together etc.
In terms of what I think I learnt about relationships growing up, my parents both seemed very supportive of each other and of my brother and I. They stayed together with my mum caring for my dad for the last years of his life. But what I've experienced since is its really difficult to make a relationship work. There was probably stuff going on between my mum and dad that I wasn't even aware of!

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 05-Jun-20 10:47:55

He is not a nice person and you do not owe him anything let alone a relationship now for helping you as he did earlier in the year.

I would also think you did not call him clumsy or otherwise criticise him at all when you were in your own home.

Whatisthisfuckery Fri 05-Jun-20 10:48:12

Firstly move back into your own place. Regardless of whether it’s stress causing him to speak to you like shit or not you should not have to be putting up with him belittling you.

Secondly, keep your money for yourself. You’d be very unwise to sink any money into his property or a house together now you’ve seen what he’s like.

TBH OP I don’t think it’s stress about selling up that’s making him behave like this. If I was stressed about selling, or moving out of a rental property, as I have been many times, I’d be saying very politely, ‘please be careful. I have to move out of here and any damage/stains/mess will cost me money to put right.’ If it was someone staying n my house who had their own house and they carried on making a mess I’d ask that they moved out so I could prepare the place. I wouldn’t belittle and bully like he is, that’s just outright abusive. So, whether he’s just stressed or not, he is behaving in an incredibly nasty and abusive way, which I’m afraid points to him just being like that, rather than him just feeling under pressure.

In short, he’s shown you who he is, so believe him. Being belittled like that really chips away at your self esteem, and it takes a long time to come back from, so I’d strongly advise you not to go there.

PurpleTalkingTrees Fri 05-Jun-20 10:51:07

Move back to your place. Do t put up with someone being rude and hassling you about being careful, he’s being a dick.

Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 10:51:20

Yes, @nomore that is a concern of mine, that what has been said is more than a simple criticism or feedback, that it is deeper than that

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Whatisthisfuckery Fri 05-Jun-20 10:52:18

And, if you have any hopes about having DC with this man then honestly I’d forget that now. Kids make one hell of a mess. Would you want him speaking to your DC in that way? That would be a sure fire way to produce DC with low self esteem, no boundaries, MH problems and no hope for healthy relationships when they grow up.

cakeandchampagne Fri 05-Jun-20 10:54:10

This can only get worse.
Move back to your own place.

AnnaNimmity Fri 05-Jun-20 10:56:27

I don't think it's "clumsy" to leave things on the kitchen side, or to not stack the dishwasher right!

He sounds very uptight to say the least. I'd move back to yours and consider seriously whether you are compatible. Living with someone else requires give and take on both sides - it sounds as though he wouldn't be giving much.

My exH used to criticise my dishwasher loading! I hated it.

Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 11:22:54

No children, and I'm a bit past having those :-) but I take your point @NoMoreD..
Yeah, @nomore... I do consider if his reactions would still be similar if it was somewhere new together.

OP’s posts: |
FriendlyDog Fri 05-Jun-20 11:25:04

Move back to yours.

bluebell34567 Fri 05-Jun-20 11:34:29

i think you spoke to him how his reactions affect you.
he is admitting he is over reacting.
tell him your concerns.
its not easy to live with someone else, but he should be more careful with his choice of words.
not everyone can be so tidy like him.

GilbertMarkham Fri 05-Jun-20 11:38:16

Don't pay for work to someone else's house when you're not married - the relationship could end at any time and you've thrown that money away. Or rather given that money away for them and possibly their future partner to benefit from.

Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 11:38:45

Btw I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. Its really difficult what with this lockdown, living & working in the same place, not seeing anyone else or having a private space to give someone a call

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Fri 05-Jun-20 11:39:55

He sounds like an anal control freak/best freak in his house .. that's stressful to live with.

GilbertMarkham Fri 05-Jun-20 11:40:08

*neat freak

Phoenix111 Fri 05-Jun-20 13:25:56

tbh I'm not concerned about giving money for any work - it would be a gift whatever and I'd only give what I could afford (and he declined it so fair enough, I may well do the same). He is more than capable of kindness. And I have been a recipient of that kindness and consideration on many occasions in the past. However I have also seen him when he is angry and frustrated and generally he directs it at himself (I admit I do this to myself as well). However it is the degree to which he is doing it recently and the criticism towards me which is concerning ( I can be clumsy and overlook things at times). I'm not perfect but it doesn't mean I don't care.

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Thingsdogetbetter Fri 05-Jun-20 13:30:39

Wtf has stacking the dishwasher got to do with getting the house ready to sell? Or a couple of spillages (unless it's red wine on a white carpet)?

He was fine sharing your space, but is obviously not fine with you sharing his! This doesn't bode well for how he will view what is supposed to be a shared space if you move somewhere new together. He seems inflexible, patronising and rude. I don't think this is his stress talking. It feels more like you are not 'fitting' exactly into his way of doing things and he can't deal with that.

If someone told me i was stacking the dishwasher 'wrong', they'd end up in the bloody thing!

Agree with PPs. Never put your money into someone else's property. That's not an investment. That's a gift! And move home and reassess this relationship. If you move away from your support systems and he turns out to actually be the over reacting, rigid, belittling control freak he's being now you're fucked.

sunshineandlollypops Fri 05-Jun-20 14:11:37

Living with someone like your partner would make me very uncomfortable. I wouldn't be able to relax. I would be on edge all of the time.
Move back to your own flat.

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