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Feeling hurt and distrustful

(23 Posts)
debbs77 Fri 05-Jun-20 08:51:20

Hey all, need to get this down somewhere as I don't have anyone to speak to in real life about it.

Last weekend my partner seemed different.....not smiling, taking his phone with him all the time etc etc. Just subtle changes but enough to get my spidey senses going.

When he went to the shop, he left his phone behind and I snooped. In his recent google searches he had looked up Natasha Nice. I clicked on it and she is a porn actress. The search was showing as 7 hours before.

After a look into his search history, there had been searches for porn 4 days, and 7 days before.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude!!!! I've masturbated to porn many times when I was single. What hurts is that I was in the house!

We have a great sex life, I'm very open to trying more but he isn't, he is very vanilla. So to find he has been playing with himself while I've been downstairs......well, I hate it.

I'm pregnant and we still have sex pretty much daily, and this has hugely dented my self confidence, which I've spent years building.

I confronted him about it, and he said he had looked, only a few times, yes he had played, sometimes finishing, sometimes not. He takes a while to finish so would likely have got bored. But I know now that on those occasions, he had come up behind me downstairs and suggest we go upstairs. I've never said no, always been in the mood (my ex husband had an affair so this is always in the back of my mind). So it feels like he watched porn, couldn't finish alone, so came to get me to use me to finish.

I've no problem with masturbating, or what he does with his body, but when I'm in the house? And when we have a great sex life?

The issue for me now is that I've lost some trust in him, a man I trusted completely until now.

It is the sneaking and lies by omission that I hate.

Please tell me to stop being silly! I know my feelings are valid, it's just that it took me ten years to feel good about myself again, and now this. I feel like I'm not good enough

OP’s posts: |
Sunflowersok Fri 05-Jun-20 09:03:48

You are good enough. You will always be good enough.

What’s the situation with him and porn, is is something you know he has delved in to in the past?

Is he working at the moment?

Dollyrocket Fri 05-Jun-20 09:08:44

Regardless of what this man is doing you have to validate yourself and not rely on a man to man you feel ‘enough’.

Dollyrocket Fri 05-Jun-20 09:09:12

‘Make you’ not ‘man you’ wink

debbs77 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:13:31

He isn't working due to being self employed and being in the building trade. Work projects are coming in soon.

I agree about not needing someone to validate me......and I didn't need that. Just feel it has knocked my confidence.

As far as I know he has looked in the past when single. But I'm really shocked he has looked while we've been together. He is normally so straight laced! I'd love to have explored this together and have told him that too.

It's this feeling of not trusting him now. I want to check everything!!! I won't as nothing good comes of snooping

OP’s posts: |
evie1990 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:14:40

You have every right to feel annoyed. Would he feel the same if he found you looking at hot naked men?
Don't let this man make you feel like your not good enough

debbs77 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:16:30

Evie1990 that's exactly what I said.

We have talked it all through in depth and I've told him how I feel. It's that I was in the house everytime that upsets me.

OP’s posts: |
Sunflowersok Fri 05-Jun-20 09:22:43

What did he say about it when you confronted him about you feeling hurt? Was he genuinely sorry?

You have a right to be hurt, I would be too. I feel though if he is spending time at home he’s probably feeling a little fed up and having more time on his hands. I have been the same even working from home I’ve found myself spending ‘time’ on myself for the first time in about a year!! Even though my sex like is active. It’s not like me, but I suppose that’s what lockdown does to you. Why don’t you ask him what his reasons for it was, so you can gain a better understanding of his actions?

It is disrespectful being in the house with you, I totally get that. He has been outright honest with you about it however, He hasn’t lied on confrontation. Can you forgive this?

debbs77 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:38:55

He was totally upfront when I spoke to him about it....very honest and understands my feelings.

He said that it started when Wish kept doing sponsored ads on his facebook and he started looking more out of intrigue and then got hooked into searches.

If I was a prude, never wanted sex, always turned him down, then I'd get it. But I'm none of those things.

OP’s posts: |
Sunflowersok Fri 05-Jun-20 09:48:21

Sometimes the mind just wants more Op. I don’t know.

Either way, from his response, you sound like you have a decent man there. You said that you are interesting in exploring this together, maybe this is a way to move forward so you feel as though you are included in any additional ‘excitement’ he might be seeking out.

You are right to feel hurt by this, but he sounds like he loves you and wants you enough to make sure you don’t feel that way again in the future

debbs77 Fri 05-Jun-20 10:01:28

I really do feel like he is truly amazing and we love each other so much. We have both been in terrible relationships and finally found each other. Otherwise everything is amazing.

Thank you so much

OP’s posts: |
Sunflowersok Fri 05-Jun-20 10:25:49

Give it time and see whether your feelings over this resolve, just keep a track of any insecurities you might be keeping over it.

And congratulations on the pregnancy! flowers

MsScarlettOHara Fri 05-Jun-20 10:39:11

Sometimes I want a quick release to help me sleep, or to help me relax. Maybe I've had a shit day and fancy an orgasm but I dont want to have sex with my partner as Im not in the headspace to take someone else's pleasure into account. I want a 5 minute means to an end, not a 20 minute session.

Your DP shouldnt have to justify every climax to you, whether you are at home or not. Whether he looks at porn or not. I do genuinely feel that its controlling and manipulative to insist that if he wants to orgasm, and you are in the vicinity, it needs to be with you. He did nothing wrong at all. You did, by snooping and are now continuing to act wrongly, in my opinion, by controlling how he should behave whilst he is in private.

ChristmasFluff Fri 05-Jun-20 11:00:43

Someone wise once said 'you're not that special - don't think that what people do has anything to do with you. It's always about them.'

People don't cheat because they aren't having sex at home, otherwise everyone who didn't have sex on tap would cheat.

People don't wank because their partner 'isn't enough'.

And the flip side of that coin is that no-one else can knock deep abiding self-love and self-confidence. Fragile self-confidence is coming from a place where you need to heal.

Having said that, I'd be well pissed off at being used to finish off a wank session. Masturbation is different from sex in that it is about pure self-gratification. To be used like a blow-up doll is not respectful.

He owes you some major foreplay and sexual focus on you!

Sparklfairy Fri 05-Jun-20 11:16:33

Sorry, but how do you go from Wish adverts to porn? Has he just discovered the internet or something? That's one hell of a rabbit hole hmm

AmeliaTaylor Fri 05-Jun-20 13:05:58

Seems like a weird thing to get upset about. He’s entitled to his own private sexual enjoyment masturbating as long as he’s not cheating. If DH tried to tell me what to do with my own body I’d tell him to get to fuck.

I don’t understand the whole ‘I was in the house!!’ thing either. You still have an active sex life. He hasn’t replaced you with porn. If DH or I went to find each other all riled up from looking at stuff online or having filthy thoughts we’d be pretty receptive and delighted tbh!

PinkCatty Fri 05-Jun-20 13:36:51

Amelia unpleasant of you to shame the OP here as being “weird”. I can understand her feelings being hurt. Some people are just deeper and more sensitive. Not everyone thinks like you.

PinkCatty Fri 05-Jun-20 13:37:00


debbs77 Fri 05-Jun-20 17:15:44

Thanks everyone for the responses. Some things for me to think about xx

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Fri 05-Jun-20 20:55:49

I don't think I'd have a problem with him watching porn, even while I was in the house, but everyone's different.

The idea of him using you to 'finish off' does sound a bit bad. Could the porn be more like to warm himself up? Does the sex feel like you're being used, or is it ok?

debbs77 Sat 06-Jun-20 14:26:28

I've been thinking about it lots.

I totally understand the masturbating part, and about sometimes just needing a quick release alone. I also understand watching porn to help with that.

But I don't like that he needed to watch another woman to do that WHILE I WAS HERE. And then coming down to me, kissing my neck, making me feel nice and leading me upstairs, when I now know that those particular times were when he got bored alone and couldn't finish alone.

He is often so prudish for things like dirty jokes etc, often making me feel like crap as I love a dirty joke and often am the one with the innuendo. He rolls his eyes at me.

I've made suggestions before with regards to our sex life (toys etc) and he always said no.

We have a great sex life, a little on the vanilla side perhaps, and always initiated by him as I've been turned down by him so often that I left it to him to initiate (which we have talked about).

I'm now not sure he is the man I thought he was

OP’s posts: |
AmeliaTaylor Sun 07-Jun-20 15:46:15

But I don't like that he needed to watch another woman to do that WHILE I WAS HERE. And then coming down to me, kissing my neck, making me feel nice and leading me upstairs, when I now know that those particular times were when he got bored alone and couldn't finish alone.

Probably wasn’t that he needed to, just that he wanted to. If he’s able to get aroused and finish with you he obviously doesn’t ‘need’ to watch other women. He just enjoys the variety. Or perhaps he doesn’t have any erotic photos of you. Only using your imagination to think of solely your partner gets pretty old pretty quick for nearly everyone!

And again, I doubt it was that he couldn’t finish alone, he probably just wanted to make love with you because he was horny. He could have just finished alone and you never know, if you prefer that then communicate with him. Tell him if he’s watching porn to keep it to himself and only initiate with you when it’s not involving any porn.

crispysausagerolls Sun 07-Jun-20 18:46:14

I would also be upset by this, and I understand maybe feeling like a “vessel” he can just finish in when he’s done with the porn. It’s probably not how he sees it, but I can see why you’d feel that way.

Porn, masturbation etc in a relationship is a very personal thing. Some people are fine with it, others aren’t. Really you need to express where you draw the line (which appears to be when you are around), and hopefully he is happy to respect that.

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