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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

151 replies

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 22:51

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

OP posts:

Report

sunflowersandtulips50 · 04/06/2020 22:54

How did you find out? Did he confess all?

conduitoffortune · 04/06/2020 22:56

I can't see how this could now ever, ever work. What a fucking prick

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 22:57

No he didn't confess, somebody else dropped him in it. He denied it so I approached his ex who told me herself, at which point he admitted it (like he had a choice)

It's very messy and I'm still reeling from the humiliation now.

OP posts:

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 04/06/2020 22:58

You only talk about a home and money as reasons to stay. Not dismissing that, and do wonder what else is there.

iswhois · 04/06/2020 22:59

Sorry OP it sounds like a huge mess. Who's to know it wasn't more than once given that he hasn't at all been forthcoming about it.

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:03

I think if it was more than once then the ex would have said, she was very forthcoming.

It's impossible to know for sure of course, and it's entirely possible he has done it before and since. I don't trust him and with good reason.

My reasons for remaining are mostly superficial I admit. There are some feelings there, but my priority is the stability for the children.

OP posts:

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:04

When I say it's possible he could have done it before and since, I'm referring to cheating in general, not necessarily with the ex wife.

OP posts:

TippledPink · 04/06/2020 23:05

I couldn't stay after that- no way. He has completely humiliated you, she is always going to be around so you will always be reminded.
I also agree with pp, you have named financial reasons for staying which is never a good enough reason. It's never going to work if you can't trust him. Do you even still love him?

On a side note, I can't even imagine wanting to sleep with my exh, makes me feel physically sick- I thought everyone felt like that about their ex!

EL8888 · 04/06/2020 23:06

My instinct is no. It’s one of the biggest betrayals and major kick in the face. It’s not as if he can have nothing to do with her ever again

TippledPink · 04/06/2020 23:07

Xposted, children can have stability with parents who live apart. My parents stayed together 'for the kids', it was awful, I wish they had split up!

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:07

He has completely humiliated me yes, I'm bitterly ashamed and can only imagine I'm a laughing stock.

I love him as the father of my DC but I'm no longer in love with him. That died when his monogamy did.

W

OP posts:

schoolsoutforcovid · 04/06/2020 23:08

Do you have any children together? I'd leave him tbh. Why do their pre-teen children know enough about it to have had such a huge fall out?

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:09

Perhaps I do need to look at separating after all, my gut was telling me as much.

I just wanted the whole thing to go away and close the book.

It has been easy to put it to the back of my mind whilst there has been no contact between them but now that has changed (which I support completely) it's impossible to bury the humiliation.

OP posts:

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:10

We have children yes.

Him not seeing the older children for several months wasn't their decision, it was H and his Ex wife refusing to communicate amicably.

OP posts:

schoolsoutforcovid · 04/06/2020 23:10

Don't be humiliated! Unless you were the OW in which case.....well.

Techway · 04/06/2020 23:11

There must have been a build up to sleeping together so the boundaries have been blurred for some time.

I doubt he will be able to distance himself.
How many children are involved? Does his ex w have a partner?

schoolsoutforcovid · 04/06/2020 23:11

Ok, sounds like a total wanker then. The pair of them do tbh. I'd cut my losses and protect my children if I were you

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 23:12

You don't trust him, and rightly so. Do you get much that's pleasurable out of this relationship?

AnyFucker · 04/06/2020 23:12

Gosh. I would lose so much respect for myself if I stuck around after this.

Aren't you worth more than that ?

TenShortStories · 04/06/2020 23:16

What a betrayal . I think for me, the fact that you asked him outright and he continued to hide it from you is almost as bad as the act. To leave you scurrying away to check with his ex knowing there's a good chance you'd get it confirmed from the OW after he lied to your face... ugh. It was all about hoping you wouldn't find out and not about your feelings and making sure your hurt wasn't compounded with a humiliating experience. And that's on top of the actual bloody cheating! Has he been selfish in other aspects of life?

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:16

I wasn't the other woman, we've been together for 5 years and he had been divorced for 2 when we met.

Aren't you worth more than that?
I used to think so. I have lost all respect for myself.

OP posts:

Dollyrocket · 04/06/2020 23:16

Too much has been damaged and you can’t avoid being reminded of it.

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MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:18

He's a shit, an utter shit.

There aren't many redeeming qualities other than the fact he's a hands on parent and good provider.

Emotionally he's stunted.

I am ashamed of myself for staying for superficial reasons I just guess I'm scared to go it alone too..

OP posts:

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:21

I didn't sign up to be a single parent and I've invested alot in the family unit we have built.

I'm also thinking of the children in the sense that if I were to leave him then they wouldn't see their siblings.

I would have to move. Etc.

The logical thing is to give my head a shake and change direction. I will probably take alot from this thread. Thank you

OP posts:

lavenderlove · 04/06/2020 23:22

Please don't waste your life on this loser, you only get one. Also I would be so sad if my mum had stayed and been miserable just for me. Your children will adjust and you deserve to be happy and with someone who loves and respects you

Flip

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