Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

[category12]

I should take him up on his offer to move out.

[Dollyrocket]

Sorry OP, this sounds grim.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Where do you see things in a few years? Can you imagine a happy future?

[addams]

Very toxic for DC to see - I'd let him go, can you still work if he goes? Are you relying on him for anything which has made you stay so long?

[category12]

Are you married?

[Interestedwoman]

Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me"

Then you go, 'yes, you're quite right Sir' - or if you don't feel safe doing that then find some other way to have the conversation, maybe in a park or something if you're worried he'll turn nasty. Or just throw his stuff out while he's at work.

I fucking hate stoners BTW. And does he smoke it in the house?

How safe do you feel to tell him what you think? You say criticism leads to massive conflict- what happens?

[Skyla2005]

I bet you would feel a lot better if he left must be a horrible atmosphere and for the boys aswell

[MizzogMe]

He doesn't smoke in the house but he smokes in our garden and you can sometimes smell it in the house. I've just accepted it for so long it's like I've forgotten how to stand up for myself.

[MizzogMe]

I felt a glimmer of hopefulness when he said he should move out. But I felt that if I said that yes he should then he would be so angry with me and so full of blame that I wouldn't know how to handle it. He accuses me of having no empathy or care for his feelings and that I don't care that I've upset him. But I feel better to have said it than just accept him treating my son so harshly.

The awful thing is that my older son is aware that daddy is very grumpy because he's angry that he and his brother don't try hard enough when doing exercise and that mummy doesn't agree with him.

He says that I am not hard enough on my kids and so they disobey me.

[MizzogMe]

We are not married. I own the house. I don't see a happy future. I worry about the impact on my boys of being in this toxic atmosphere.

I should kick him out. I could make work work I think.

I have internalised his criticism so absolutely; he tells me I can't take anything on the chin, that I cannot take responsibility for anything negative in our relationship. It is paralysing me.

[category12]

Don't you think for your sons' sake, you should get rid of him? Do you really want them growing up thinking a house/garden stinking of pot is normal, that the dad bullying the lot of you is normal? Do you want them to get older and start treating you, and later on their girlfriends/wives/children, the same way?

[Sparklfairy]

Musicians are the worst - and I say that as an ex musician myself. The god complex with the comment "you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship is classic.

Add to that the pot smoking, it's a no brainer that he must leave. He's making you miserable. Don't you want more for yourself and your boys?

[gamerchick]

Poor kids having to put up with that everyday.

Take him up on his offer. He'll backpeddle at some point but your bairns don't need to be in that environment. Stand up for them if you can't for yourself.

[myrtlehuckingfuge]

You do everything. Set him loose, you will find life much easier when you don't have to cater to his ego on top of everything else. He is not setting your sons a good example. You sound lovely but at the end of your tether.

[MizzogMe]

Yes, my boys do deserve better. You are right. I want better for them. I don't want them to have to be afraid of their father's moods.

[MizzogMe]

I really am at the end of my tether. I feel lost. I don't really recognise myself and all that I tolerate.

[MizzogMe]

He thinks he is a totally amazing father and is always criticising other people's parenting. He thinks our boys are good kids because they have parents who are together.

It means we can rarely do anything with other families because he will take issue with their parenting. Even my own brother, he criticises how he parents his son (my nephew) in front of my kids.

[Interestedwoman]

This behaviour is really damaging to children's growing brains. My sister and I have been left with lifelong mental health issues (in my case, disabled for life and unable to work) partly I think due to being unable to relax for years while our brains were growing. We also have never had relationships that worked out.

You need to separate from him as soon as possible for you and your DC's health and futures.

[MizzogMe]

Thank you for being so direct and I am sorry to read of your experience. That must be incredibly difficult and it is a wake up call to me. I can already see my older son walking on eggshells around his father.

[MizzogMe]

I feel like it's not my right to end the relationship. That's mad isn't it?

[TheTeenageYears]

Just zooming in one one thing you said in your OP "he has expected you to take the boys out for 2 hours a day all through lockdown".

Was that the case even when the rules were once a day exercise for maximum of an hour? If so he's not only putting his own needs above the rest of you but expecting you to break rules in order to out his needs first.

He obviously has little regard for rules given his weed smoking but to try and force you to do the same thing says lots about him. What exactly does he bring to your life or the boys lives?

[RandomMess]

Please please please tell him to leave.

He is being abusive to you and the DC, the sulking, the arguing with you over their heads, insisting you do x y z, demanding respect, spending money on weed that makes him more paranoid.,.

[MizzogMe]

Yes, he wanted us out of the house for a too long chunk of time during lockdown. He was complaining about not having any time to himself.

[MizzogMe]

Is this abuse? He's accused me of gaslighting him before - for telling him that our problems are all caused by him when he knows I'm a contributor too.

[category12]

I feel like it's not my right to end the relationship.

It is tho.

I feel like you're suffering emotional abuse, which is really difficult to see your way out of. But you need to, for your boys.

[category12]

It's common for abusers to employ DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim & offender. Saying you're gaslighting him is that.