Sex life nonexistent after a year

[Mrsorchid]

Hello 👋 I need some advice please!
I’ve been with my D.H. for 4 years and married for 1.
Since getting married we’ve only had sex about 7 times in 12 months. When I mention to him that I’d like to have sex more he says that he doesn’t have a big sex Drive and never has. I completely understand that and I’ve accepted that we’re just never going to have a regular active sex life.
We have a loving and intimate relationship in other ways, so I’m not worried about a lack of intimacy as we cuddle, kiss, hold hands, etc all the time.
The thing that bothers me is that when we do have sex it’s usually not very good. Of the 7 times we’ve had sex since we got married I think I’ve enjoyed it 2 or 3 times.
In the past, especially when we had sex more often during the first year or so we were together, I’ve shown him what I like and used sex toys and he’s usually been really receptive.
But now it’s just a wham bam thank you ma’am and I’ve given up telling him what I like because I feel like I’ve already told him a million times.
He knows that it’s bad as well. He’ll apologise afterwards that it wasn’t very good or it didn’t last long, but doesn’t do anything to change that.
It’s really starting to get to me now :(

[Plumplumbadum]

You're married now, he's got you and doesn't care.
That's the simple truth. Don't expect it ever to get better. He did enough to get you, now he thinks he's got you. He doesn't need to make any more effort.

[Ohnoherewego62]

Agreed with @Plumplumbadum.

He'll also start to make excuses and make noises about promising to make more effort. You'll become resentful.

[Anothernick]

I find it impossible to comprehend why a man would not want sex. But it seems there are some. You need to think very carefully if this relationship is sustainable in the long term. My DW and I have been together for 30 years and I'm not sure I'd be saying that if it wasn't for a strong and continuing sexual attraction. Sex is often said to be the glue in a relationship and I think there's a lot of truth in that.

[BigusBumus]

Unless you've been together years and years and now have not much sex but are content with companionship and deep love and respect, then get out.

A young newish marriage should be filled with as much sex as you BOTH want, you should still both fancy each other and want each other and most importantly, enjoy it when you do do it.

Otherwise its not a marriage, its a friendship. I would make plans to leave if i were you. Sorry x

[Mrsorchid]

Hi, thank you all for your replies :)

I’d agree with you plumplumdabum if he wasn’t so loving in every other way. I couldn’t ask for a D.H. who loves me, takes care of me and adores me as much as he does. He makes the effort in every other way, just not in the bedroom.

I agree anothernick, he’s the first bloke I’ve ever been with that doesn’t have a ‘typical’ sex drive for a guy so I think that’s probably one of the reasons I find it so difficult.

Ohnoherewego62 - we had a chat about it a few minutes ago and he said that one of the reasons he doesn’t want to have sex all of the time is because he’s scared it won’t last long and he’ll disappoint me. Like you said he promised to make more effort and I said if he doesn’t I want us to go to marriage counselling.

So we’ll see how it goes.

[Plumplumbadum]

I’d agree with you plumplumdabum if he wasn’t so loving in every other way. I couldn’t ask for a D.H. who loves me, takes care of me and adores me as much as he does. He makes the effort in every other way, just not in the bedroom.
These are the crumbs he throws you to keep you there.

Ohnoherewego62 - we had a chat about it a few minutes ago and he said that one of the reasons he doesn’t want to have sex all of the time is because he’s scared it won’t last long and he’ll disappoint me. Like you said he promised to make more effort and I said if he doesn’t I want us to go to marriage counselling.
Honestly these are just excuses. They all promise to try. You wait, not wanting to pressure them. Then nothing happens and it all builds up again until you lose it and bring it up again. They make more promises.......
If he was worried then he would've tried to sort it before now. I think you'll find he's actually very happy with the relationship as it is.
Some of us who are years down the line with this none-sense recognise the signs all too well unfortunately. It never gets better.

[Eyre40]

Maybe he has low testosterone or is suffering with Erectile problems, It seems odd that the sex has gone down hill since the marriage but maybe he was just hiding it from you better before. Also mental health can have an impact on sex drive so maybe there are some other issues that need sorting.
Good luck

[cteal57]

On a positive , things can change, my DW had same problem with me, had to change my thinking as i spent too much time on self pleasure ( what man has a low sex drive ...it happens but its rare.) So i saw how unhappy my DW was and took action, focused on her ,took out for nice evenings ,brought sexy lingerie etc and focus my interest on her and now our sex life is great...2 or 3 times a week !

[Anothernick]

As I said, we've been together 30 years and during that time we must have had sex on several thousand occasions. And every single time I have felt better about myself and closer to my DW after than I did before. The amount of pleasure and enjoyment we have had, and still have, is immeasuarable. I would never recommend anyone to commit themselves to a life without adequate sex.

[CupofT90]

I think if he’s loving in other ways, that’s a good sign.
How was his sex drive before you married?
If his sex drive has decreased, could he maybe see his doctor to check testosterone levels? I have personal experience with this kind of thing. Here If you need a chat