DP just basically called me his landlady...AIBU?

[Stressedandnotblessed]

DP moved in with me (after 2 years) last September. I have 3 dcs (that are not his) age 17, 12 and 9. He has no DC's. I am 8 years older than him.

He has been really grumpy this last 2 days as the house has been like piccadilly circus, I admit. DS2 who is 12 doesn't sleep well at all (he is an insomniac, gets it from me) and not being at school and not having a routine has impacted on him. He usually goes for a run/bike ride every day but the weather stopped him yesterday. So last night he was up and down, getting drinks, let the cat out, flushing the toilet, and he is heavy footed and our house is a tiny new build. I bought it on my own and it's all I could afford. DP starts work at 8am but gets up at 6 (because he's a flapper about being on time) so goes to bed at 9/9.30. I feel pressure to get everyone to go to bed or keep quiet and usually with school etc this can be achieved but obviously lockdown has changed that.

He moaned this morning 'that he keeps getting woken up' so I said well the DC's are unsettled and it's not really reasonable to expect deathly silence at 9pm. And he was saying I know but they need to settle into a better routine. Then he started to (in my perception) say that DD (8) and DS2 aren't doing enough homeschooling. At this point I got a bit defensive, I will admit. I'm working FT (at home 3 days, 2 days out in community doing visits) they go to their dads who is furloughed on the two days I'm not at home but are with me the rest of the time. I'm trying to get them to do work every day but only managing 2/3 hours because my caseload has blown up (children's social worker).

So I said to DP this week you have been so unsupportive, I have been physically struggling (got endo and my period has knocked me sick) been struggling with work and struggling with the kids. I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

He is being quite vocal about what he sees thus situation as. I would have no qualms asking him to leave. Whether that's for a while or for good who knows.

No way would I put up with this.

[AnotherEmma]

Why are the kids not at their dad's during the day Mon-Fri since he is furloughed and you're working full time?

Sounds like both men expect you to do everything.

[YinuCeatleAyru]

yanbu he doesn't see himself as your "partner" at all does he? not sure he belongs in your house.

[Neap]

I think he’s telling you how he sees you, OP. I’d be giving him his notice to quit. What’s he bringing to your life, other than more stress? And honestly, I couldn’t have my children tiptoeing around someone who brings no benefit to their lives.

[Neveranynamesleft]

No you are not being unreasonable.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells at 9 oclock at night, especially with kids in the house. He sounds a nightmare, I wouldnt put up with him. You are definitely not his landlady but you could give him notice of a months rent and ask him to find other lodgings ! You've got the ick, no going back now !

[Ragwort]

What does he add to your life?

Your children must have found it very hard when he moved in whilst they are all young teenagers .... suggest he goes and finds a flat share or bedsit.

As a social worker surely you could have anticipated some of the problems that would happen.

[pog100]

It honestly doesn't matter who is being unreasonable in our eyes, it matters how you feel about it. He doesn't sound respectful of what you are putting into the relationship but if you don't like the arrangement I would terminate it. The cards are all in your hands.

[Ullupullu]

He absolutely shouldn't be commenting on your parenting and homeschooling. Has he got anywhere else to stay if you ask him to leave for a bit?

[UncleShady]

If he's just your lodger then you can kick him out pronto.

He makes you sound simply convenient rather than the love of his life.

[mintyt]

My DH moved in with me and mine were 9 11 14 and it's hard. Up and down the stairs, friends in and out. It was hard, I would say to him that at the moment this is the new normal, you want a happy house with everyone in it happy and considerate of others. I don't think any children are doing much home schooling now, but your doing your best, I would tell him that your dad he feels this way, but are now prepared to lose your children for him, and maybe it's best if he moves out for now and be boyfriend and girlfriend again. As he has told you how he feels tell him how you and the children feel. We are married now and my children love DH and he them but it hasn't always be easy. And sometimes it's been very hard. How does he feel about you. Do you still live each other

[Standrewsschool]

Lockdown has put everyone under pressure. Some people are coping with it better than others.

However, when moving in with you, he should have accepted the home situation. Yes, compromises need to be made, but your dcs aren’t little toddlers who go to bed early, and should be seen and not heard.

If the teenagers have always done in a certain way, bedtimes etc, I think it’s a bit unreasonable to make drastic changes now (and especially if demanded by the newcomer to the family). Yes, be a little considerate, ie no loud music after nine, but you can’t enforce a 9pm bedtime on a 17 year old!

Also, getting up at 6am isn’t that particularly early, so shouldn’t need a really early night.

I see there are two options going forward. You get him involved in the home schooling, family life etc. Or he leaves.

[thethoughtfox]

He's told you the truth. He doesn't see himself as your partner or part of your family. Consider asking him to leave.

[TwistyHair]

Yeah that sounds annoying. Your homeschooling sounds great! And as a social worker you must see the things that really matter in kids’ lives. To play devils advocate, maybe he said that as a way of saying that he doesn’t feel included. Or he’s hurt somehow. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to be silent after 9pm. He can get earplugs

[LaughingDonkey]

@Stressedandnotblessed

You are a hero! 3 children, working FT, keeping up with housework and dealing with financial side of household!!!

This is not a partnership! You carry all the weight and also try to please him!! You are pretty much ''servicing'' your DP.

I would suggest to tell him that he is right, hence for him not to feel this way he needs to contribute more to house chores and help you with homeschooling then.

And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, ok, then your house - your rules. He can get earplugs.

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

I'd get rid too. He is like a teenager himself - handing you a bit of money for his keep and expecting you to be the grown up and sort everything! This is not a partnership imo.
Also think this is very unfair on your children - he's just some tosser taking up space in their home and resenting them for living there.
I would also have the 'ick' if some man started criticising the amount of home schooling my DC were doing, whilst offering no practical help. You realise he just wants them occupied so they don't get in his way? Not really what you kids deserve is it?

[Stressedandnotblessed]

Ragwort I did anticipate and look for anything problematic but as we didn't live together for two years I didn't really think about the sleep issue!

I feel like he would be better going back to his old life, he lived in a shared house before he moved in that was very quiet and perhaps he has got used to that? But his expectations of family life do seem unrealistic. 3 children and a cat in a small house means it is going to be busy.

I was just wondering if I was being hypersensitive to criticism because I'm stressed. He says I was getting defensive. He has just sent me this text:

'All I said was that I am tired and it doesn’t help that I get woken up by noise quite a lot.'

I think he wants an apology but I'm not giving him one. I can't structure the whole house around his needs when there's 4 other people in it. And 3 of them are the most important things in the world to me.

Thanks all for your replies. Food for thought.

[billy1966]

OP,

Exactly what is bringing to your house?

Completely unrealistic and unreasonable to expect a house to be sleeping quiet at 9pm with children that age, during the summer and a lockdown.

I wouldn't imagine he has been a happy addition to your home.

He has told you what he feels.

Do you want a loadger?

If not, move him out.

I would suggest you do that anyway.

He has zero commitment to you.

Sorry!

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

'All I said was that I am tired and it doesn’t help that I get woken up by noise quite a lot.'

Well that's not all he said, is it? I'd remind him of what he actually said and explain how it made you feel.

[Ullupullu]

'All I said was that I am tired and it doesn’t help that I get woken up by noise quite a lot.'

Maybe you can tell him:- "I recognise that and hope you're able to find a solution"

Has he tried earplugs?

[SophieGiroux]

6am is not even that early, so there's no need for him to be in bed so early! Even from 10pm he'd still get 8 hours which is more than enough

[longwayoff]

Well. Nice cheap rental, bit noisy, landlady can get a bit stroppy but she'll soon fall into line. You're a social worker? What would you say to a client in your position?

[Settlersofcatan]

So you don't want him commenting on the kids routines or schooling but also resent him saying they aren't his kids?

If he does half the cooking and all of the laundry - does that include the kids' laundry? - that seems like it's quite a lot.

If he is paying you rent and you own the house, it doesn't seem totally unreasonable that you sort the bills

[Weetabixandcrumpets]

I think the replies are a little harsh. We are in a very unusual situation and most of the outlets we use to let off steam (coffee shops, gyms, pubs, cinema etc) and get a bit of fun time are out of action.
Three children at different life stages is hard for anyone, as is learning to live with each other. Can take a bit of time!
Rather than a knee jerk reaction of 'leave the bastard', I would be taking some time out of the house to have a good chat. You are both probably very tired and frustrated and in the heat of the moment people say stuff they don't mean. That is not to say apologies shouldn't be made and lessons learnt and all that.
If you love each other and it is usually good, work through the blip. If you are both actually coming to the end of your relationship then face up to that.

[Stressedandnotblessed]

Settlers I would LOVE him to comment and help out with the DC's routines and schooling if it came with practical suggestions and discussion. I'm drowning with it all. But he doesn't, he just criticizes it at the moment. Hence why I feel defensive.

[PerditaProvokesEnmity]

'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you,

Just be very careful you don't do anything that gives him a legal stake in your house.