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My girlfriend left me and my 2 kids.(14 Posts)
I could really use some advice. I'm going through a real tough break-up and I'm really eager to get some other peoples opinions. I'll start by providing a bit of information.
I'm a 30 something Male, and my partner of 8 years and Mother to my 2 wonderful kids has left us. The overall cause was the age-old falling out of love trick. As I'm sure many of us are guilty of, I think that our lives got the better of us and we didn't spend that precious quality time together. Though we always seemed to be a strong couple, apparantly it was distance that broke us, even though we've been locked down together. Now, I will take responsibility and say that yes, maybe I wasn't as attentive as I could of been, and so desperately want to be now, but 8 years with 2 kids has kinda put a spanner in the works.
We had always talked about marriage and both was eager to tie the knot. I'd pressure myself financially not being able to afford a ring that i felt reflected how she meant to me. I didn't want to settle for something, even though she had said she didn't care about it's value. I always had every intention of making her my wife, but life kinda took over that dream and I regret it deeply. I've always been faithful to her and was 100% devoted to her. I always got up with our kids, prepared and took them to school, cooked, cleaned, worked whatever free hours I had left in the day (2 small jobs). She worked mostly full time over the latter part of our relationship while I was the house husband. I'm not entirely at fault though. I've always been jealous of her and at times un-trusting. My trust is somewhat justified as a little while after we had got together, I had discovered she was texting old flames of hers, and being quite seductive at times. Now, it was all ultimately innocent, but I always felt uneasy at her reluctance to avoid conversations with her ex's and some other less than desirable characters whom she used to circulate with. And something similar (but not as graphic) occured at another point a few years after, so I've always had some trust issues. I know she's not physically cheated on me, but having repeat occurrences of it has really shook my self esteem.But I'd always forgive and try to work past it. I went for a few counselling sessions and have made peace with it. I let her know that I was unhappy that she was speaking with ex's, regardless of whether they're still friends. I drew the line when either side was getting inappropriate. They'd often get flirty with her, and she would not be phased by it and sometimes even played along. I did ask her to unfriend some of them when it got a bit much. But I think she has been resentful for having to sever some old friendships. Now you might be wondering how I could know some of this, and yes I will admit it... I did check her phone at times. I always felt so awful doing it, but I was too filled with anxiety not knowing otherwise, especially when her body language would change while she was using her phone at times (shielding screen, placing face-down etc). I'm not blind, I could see that there was something she didn't want me to see.
But getting back on track, I've always done what I can to commit to her and my children. I love them all dearly and want nothing more than to be a household again.
But, after 8 years she told me that she wasn't happy. This eventually revealed that it was an overall lack of attention on my part that has made her feel this way. She said that it was a gradual process over the best part of a year. Now, like many times before I would do anything to keep my family together. I have been the primary caregiver to my kids and sacrificed more than most Dads would care to. And I would live the rest of my life putting an extra 100% effort in to have her back and not make her feel that way again.
But she left me and the kids. I don't get how she can do this She's staying with friends and in the process of securing a place of her own to live. She's came right out and said that she wants to focus on her new job more and wants equal custody of the kids and to co-parent. She has the age old "loves me, but not IN love with me" feelings and has drawn a line and doesn't want to go backwards. She doesn't even seem to want to try to fix what we had. I know she's upset and still has feelings towards me and misses the kids dearly. She's been a frequent visitor to our house, and spends an hour or 2 with the kids most evenings after work. I try my best to be chatty and friendly. I'll make her a cup of tea and hear about her day. Then usually sit back and let her spend time with the kids. It feels nice to do it, cause it's kind of like she's still here. I know this isn't a good thing to do and is just giving me hope that might never amount to anything. But I'd prefer to feel that way a little because without it, it's crushing me inside. I'm staying strong for my kids and am in a better place with them already. But I'm hurting so much by seeing her still, when I just want her to stay. I asked her if she would stay away for a bit, because I was struggling coping with it, while staying strong for the kids. She was obviously upset with this but understood my feelings and has obliged. I really need some space from her, so I can grieve. I can't vent well in the free 1-2 hours I get after the kids are in bed. I've already cried with my 7 year old Daughter too much, I can't do that to her no more.
But, I also selfishly want her to spend some time alone and miss me aswell. I hope that everything can be rekindled after she's had some space and sees that she had a good life (I bet alot of mothers here would like a lie-in every weekend and dinner cooked every night too!). We had a long, loving relationship. We had a decent sex life. Never really argued, talked about the future. We was only last month trying for another baby.
I know it sounds selfish but, I really want her back. I want to try to make her see our relationship for what it was and has been, and at least attempt to fix it with me. She seems to be moving on at pace and I'm scared that she's gonna leave us behind.
Was I right to ask her to give me and the kids some space? Could I do anything to make this easier? I'm so lost and in the midst of a lockdown, can't even seek solace with other people.
Sorry for the wall of text and thanks to those who make it to the end!
I’m going to trust this isn’t a reverse as it does read like it could be.
I wonder if marriage was much more important to her than you and because you didn’t propose and presumably there was no realistic prospect of that in the future (she sounds like she was the breadwinner) then she decided to find someone who did want the same as her.
For what it’s worth, having lie ins and dinner made don’t make up for a relationship that has run its course or when you want different things.
You were wrong to ask her to stay away. This isn’t about you and you’ve denied your children time with their mother. I know this is a painful time for you, but it’s infinitely worse for the children.
Yes, you're wrong to ask her not to see the kids. They need to see her - have her take them out for walks etc, not hang out in the house tho.
I'm sorry, I'm new here and not sure on the terminology or what a reverse really means. But I assure you this is just my feelings and side of the story. I don't mean to offend anyone.
And with regards to asking her to stay away... I'm not denying her to be able to see them, she's having them at the weekend. I was mostly referring to the short visits after work, daily. Which interrupt the kids dinnertime, and usually make me pretty sad when she's gone and the kids are in bed.
Sorry if I'm not making much sense or confusing things.
I agree with pp you shouldn't have told her to stay away. Why don't you go for a walk while she's with the kids? I'm sure she'd value the alone time with them. Some of what you've said makes you sound jealous and controlling which is always a passion killer. Prepare yourself for it being over long term and treating your next lady with the love and respect she deserves. Good luck
Get your childrens documents and any financial records and store then somewhere safe.
Go see a solicitor if there's any shared assets etc
If there's a joint bank account make sure you're financially ok
Separate properly. Don't make her tea, don't chat about her day and don't accommodate her unnecessarily.
Her behaviour texting ex's was appauling, no one should put up with such disrespect and a sign that she really isn't into your relationship, Atm she's not wanting to to fix things as you said, I think you will just to accept and the best thing to do it seems would be co-parent on friendly terms.
A good thing that you haven't married, being married wouldn't of prevented what had gone wrong. She may of felt she didn't get enough attention from you but it still doesn't excuse her behaviour and should of talked that through with you.
Oh OK, it's more reasonable to not have her visit every day. (Although if she's coming after work, wouldn't that be a regular time? Does the evening meal-time have to coincide? Could she take them for a walk and then bring them back in time for tea?)
You don't need to have her in the house, tho.
You're absolutely right to ask her not to pop into the family home daily. She needs to stick to her agreed contact times and take the children to her new place.
Break ups are heartbreaking. But you have to respect what she feels. Be kind to yourself.
No advice, but you sound like you're doing your best for your children - they are lucky to have you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Stay strong.
Losing someone after 8 years is devastating. I can't imagine what you're going through.
You should allow her to see the kids but remove yourself from the picture as much as possible. For NOW anyway. When you start missing her, remember she could also be missing you. Consider that if it gets overwhelming. If you go to YouTube videos there's a lot of good ones about why you should go "no contact". I used to watch one every time I was tempted to call my ex. It really helped.
She needs to feel that she really is losing you forever, and that you won't come running back the moment she changes her mind (if she does).
Otherwise she'll feel that she has you, as well as the option to date other men. Why would she come back?
Start finding your own life away from her as much as possible. If staying away from her doesn't make her miss you at all, or change her mind, then you really shouldn't be together IMO.
Eventually you can be friends but back way off for now.
Also, I know you need someone to talk to but grieving to a 7-year-old can be very damaging to her. My heart goes out to you. Break ups can be like death. I hope all works out best for you and your kids.
You need to do what is advised to women, get a job and your own income, sort out contact schedule, split the assets.
You can ask her to stay away from you, but keeping her from the kids is horrible and probably reinforced to her why she left.
Just have them ready to go for a walk with her when she gets there. You don't need to see or chat to her. She didn't leave the kids, she left you.
Thanks for the replies.
I'll touch a few points. I apologise again for my original post. I didn't mean I want no contact for her. She is seeing them at the weekend. My reasons for asking was to let me have a chance to think, and clear my head, and get myself somewhere more comfortable mentally. This is all very new and Theres not been many days since she left that I've not seen her. As much as I'm being there for my kids, it's the worst feeling in the world when the person you love, who doesn't feel the same way is still in our house amongst her and our posessions. I know she's not intentionally doing it but its like it's being rubbed in.
I've since text her to redact what I said about her not visiting. As hard as it is for me, I know it's best for the kids right now. In the long run I'm sure things will work them self out for.
Thankyou to those who gave their well wishes. I'm doing everything I can with my children. They are being well looked after. And are transitioning through the change quite well.
Thank you for your concern @endchauvinism . Let me clarify for you though, I haven't confided in my daughter or anything like that. In the first few days, a few spontaneous outbreaks of tears from me led her to her upset. She understands whats going on and I feel high anxiety having my kids see me upset so I shield them as best as I can.
“ she didn’t leave the kids, she left you “ I think when she went to stay at a friends house without her kids, she did leave them??
If this was a women saying this about a man he would be getting called all the eff’s and jeffs under the sun!!
It really must be hard @anotherlostpuppy but I do agree with pp in the sense of you need to start building a life for you again. Get your own independence back, have a life outside your little bubble as it is right now and in time it will get easier. As for the asking for her to stay away, yet again another double standard. If you were a women you would be getting told “ your quite right, set up visitation times and make him stick to it “ so that’s what to do. You need to start the process. She’s the one that’s walked away from you and her kids. Coming in and disrupting their routine isn’t fair on any of you. Hope things get easier for you OP.
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