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H doesn’t join in

(18 Posts)
UpsideDownCake30 Wed 03-Jun-20 20:28:48

It feels like my H would rather be doing any number of things other than being with me and the kids. Looking after them and doing things with them and helping with the day to day running of the house just aren’t priorities.

We’ve had many chats about this and he always says he will do more but never does. Sometimes he asks if he can help but usually it’s gone past the point where I actually needed help, like I could have done with it about an hour ago.

He just gets on with his own activities and ‘jobs’ which aren’t things that properly need doing, but he wants to do them. I feel like I just run round after him all day cleaning up his mess and fetching him things.

I’m just completed worn out with it all and needed a vent.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Wed 03-Jun-20 20:31:04

What is even the point of him then? It sounds like he's not much more than a lodger.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 03-Jun-20 20:32:29

Actually, he sounds like just another child to care for.

category12 Wed 03-Jun-20 20:32:53

Well, stop running round after him and picking up his mess - why are you doing that?

Sugartitss Wed 03-Jun-20 20:38:09

You need to disappear for a few days and leave him to it, it’s the only way

everythingbackbutyou Wed 03-Jun-20 20:40:26

OP, that is a spot on description of my life since children with stbxh as well, although it was part of a bigger picture in terms of our relationship. Exactly as you said - like he would rather do anything than be a part of the non-Disney dad parts of family life and always had so much that he needed (wanted) to do (always jobs that required him to be somewhere that we weren't and that required me to watch the children so he could 'get on'. It was infuriating and not something I could address adequately owing to the power/control dynamic in our relationship.

everythingbackbutyou Wed 03-Jun-20 20:40:52

Focus on his actions instead of his words, always.

needhandhold Wed 03-Jun-20 21:16:07

Wouldn’t your life be much easier and happier if you lived apart from him? Smaller house, no man child to run around after, eat what you want, when you want. Less housework. Get every other weekend off and be able to relax and go to a spa or chill out in front of the TV. Your life sounds too hard. It doesn’t have to be like this and you don’t have to put up with him!

UpsideDownCake30 Wed 03-Jun-20 21:22:43

I’ve tried not to pick up after him so much but there is a limit because stuff needs doing in the house for the benefit of everyone else.

He used to criticise me a lot and this chipped away at myself esteem, but I’ve managed to build myself back up again thanks to counselling.

He also drinks 3-4cans and most of a bottle wine most nights recently. He has always been a heavy drinker. Tbh this is the biggest problem in our relationship.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Wed 03-Jun-20 21:26:10

I suggest you start asking yourself why you're still married him. Your life sounds like a nightmare, honestly.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 03-Jun-20 21:38:01

Venting might make you feel better for a minute or two but it won’t fix what sounds like an unhappy life.

If you close your eyes and imagine life without him, just you and the kids, what does it look like?

UpsideDownCake30 Wed 03-Jun-20 22:04:28

I’ve been trying to make it work for so long, but have realised that he is unlikely to change. I hoped for so long he would.

He works away a lot so I have spent much of lockdown on my own. I felt lighter and happier.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 03-Jun-20 22:12:48


Interestedwoman Wed 03-Jun-20 22:49:41

He doesn't sound very nice OP. I suggest splitting with him and staying happier longer. xx

cansmellfreedom Wed 03-Jun-20 23:05:25

Ignore his shit don’t pick it up don’t fetch him anything!! Bloody hell!!! This is slavery

billy1966 Wed 03-Jun-20 23:20:08

That's a huge amount of alcohol every night..high functioning alcoholic.

I think if you say you are happier when he is away, that tells you a lot.

UpsideDownCake30 Sun 07-Jun-20 07:42:23

He always says things will change, he’ll have a night or two off and then it creeps back. This is despite me saying that it will be over if things don’t improve. To be honest, I don’t think I could tolerate him even cutting down, he would have to not drink at all, even if he has one it sets off my anxiety about it. I know he hides some of his empties.

The problem is that things can be wonderful at times and I think everything will be ok. But my anxiety about his drinking is a lot and I don’t want it hanging over me anymore.

OP’s posts: |
Porridgeoat Sun 07-Jun-20 07:47:28

Possibly best to separate under these circumstances. At least that means he will have the kids a night or so each week and take some responsibility

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