How do you know when it’s over?

[Comfort3]

I need some independent advice please.

I am a 30 something aged woman, who has been married for under 5 years, but have been with my partner for 19 years. We met when we were young, and it is the only serious relationship we have both had. We share four children together.

I’m utterly miserable in this relationship. We merely exist along side each other. There is no affection, little sex, and I don’t enjoy spending any time with him - I don’t want to spend time with him. We have had many ups and downs and have fought for the relationship to continue more times that I can remember.

I’m not sure this is just a response to recent lock down circumstances. He has always been lazy for example, lacking in motivation and ambition. The root of most of our disagreements. I am the primary bread winner, he earns half what I do, I enable us to do nice things, have a nice home and go on foreign holidays etc.

He’s not even a great dad. He fell out with our teenager months ago, and still to this day will not talk to him. His idea of doing something with the younger children is to play the PS4 with them. We only leave the house for leisure purposes if I instigate it.

I just keep thinking, is this it, is this what life has to be like? I’m bored, uninterested and so unhappy. If I talk to him, he blames it on me, and refuses to continue the discussion. To complicate matters we are currently having some building work done on our home, and I’m worried if I do end things he will want to walk away with half the money we borrowed to pay the builder.

I think I’m my head, we are over, it needs to end on good terms for the sake of the kids. But I worry that if I do end it I may regret my decision. I honestly don’t know what to do.

It was recently our anniversary. I got him a card, and made an effort - he did not.

How do you know when the relationship is over? I feel sick just writing this, but I need to get it off my chest.

[lovelocks]

I think you know a relationship is over when you feel the way you are feeling. Hope you find the strength to do the right thing for yourself OP

Ps. Wait until the building work has finished.

[TwilightPeace]

You know that no matter what he says or does, the love is gone.
You dread being alone with him.
You feel happy when he isn’t around.
A future without him seems exciting and freeing.
The children seem happy when he’s out of the house, and the atmosphere becomes heavy when he comes back.
You’ve lost your spark.

[shellsbells999]

Hi,
I'm in the same boat, my husband refuses to agree to a divorce. I've been asking for 2 yrs. I feel financially and emotionally trapped. He says if he moves out he won't see the kids again... we are I. Separate rooms and are civil and when it's not civil it's back on the divorce conversation. I've got my forms filled out but his says he will defend it so the process becomes expensive. I've reported him to the police for abuse, I've got my eldest self harming twice and sought help for him. I am frightened if I leave the house and my children then he won't let me back in.... anyone with any advice or experience of what to do next?

[KellyHall]

@TwilightPeace has spelled it out perfectly, but it's not that easy.

I've resigned myself to enjoying any good times, venting to loved ones about the bad and making sure dd knows she's both awesome and loved by many. My step mother was absolutely horrendous and I just can't leave my dd open to that being a possibility for her.

Get good legal advice before making any other plans to leave.

[kgal3542]

@Comfort3 & Shellsbells999
How awful. I was in similar circumstances nearly 20 years ago, the big 40 was becoming closer & i thought "Is this it, is this all life has for me?"
I left the house, thinking the grass was greener etc. It wasn't.
My own experience would advise Comfort 3 and Shellsbells on no account do you leave the house. Consider staying until the divorce process is complete, if your OH says he will contest divorce, then don't feel guilty about stopping cooking & cleaning for him. Just cook & clean for yourself and your children. Do not think as "we" any more, but live under the same roof with a "housemate" rather than your OH,
until you can agree on a hopefully amicable split. Best wishes to you both

[hellsbellsmelons]

He fell out with our teenager months ago, and still to this day will not talk to him
This is horrendous.
He is a fucking adult.
This will be hugely damaging to your DC.
What an awful man.
Please make your plans to leave this relationship ASAP.
Get some legal advice first and foremost before you make any decisions.
But please get out.
Life can be so short.
Don't live it like this.
You don't even seem to like each other.
You are teaching your DC awful lessons regarding their future relationships.
Show them that happiness matters!

[Aquamarine1029]

You will never regret leaving this man, I guarantee it. The only regret you will have is that you stayed so long.

[willowmelangell]

You know it is over when you look at him and feel either nothing or disgust.
If sex is a chore, it is over.
If you do things around the house to avoid a prolonged sulky argument about how he does so much outside the house, it is over.
If he says he is working late or going away for a day(whatever) and you feel absolute relief you won't see him, it is over.
The most important thing is, if the dc are different and happy and laughing and spontaneous until he walks through the door, that is the absolute decider for me.
If his mood dictates the day, if everyone in the house tip toes around to placate him, the previous relationship no longer works and it is over.

[loopylol1990]

Just stumbled across this post. I feel exactly the same altho we arent married.
Me and him have been together 5 years and have a 4to son together. He is 10 yrs older than me. My 30th birthday is coming up and I'm just thinking is this it for me for the rest of my life. He doeant want any more children (never wanted our son) and I do. He also never wants to marry. I do but defo not him! We never communicate with eachother. Our sex life is almost non existent and we share nothing In common. I'm just so bored. But for some reason I'm still here. I just wish i had the guts to say it's over but I'm scared of his reaction :(

[SarahMcDonald]

Oh dear! He’s a shit father, a shit husband, lazy about the house and doesn’t earn very much.

I’m struggling to see the point of him TBH.

[Lozzerbmc]

Its bad hes fallen out with your teenager - he’s the adult! It sounds like its run it course to be honest. Good luck

[category12]

Crikey, what would you regret?!

Sort out the building work or cancel it and repay the money, and get rid .

[BertBert]

OP I'm in the same position although things aren't quite as bad.

There is no real animosity at the moment and I feel I need to leave so that we can try & split amicably.

To an outsider I have the perfect life but we have grown apart. My eureka moment came when I was talking to a friend and I told her that I felt lonelier in my relationship than I would on my own. Light bulb moment.

Now all I need is to grow a pair & call it a day. I'm waiting until after lockdown & hoping I have the courage to follow through then. I don't want indifference to be my DC's role model for relationships.

I started a post yesterday & had some good advice www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3933178-I-want-out-but-feel-guilty

[NoMoreDickheads]

He fell out with our teenager months ago, and still to this day will not talk to him.

You know this is really bad? Emotional abuse.

I think you know it's over when you see what an arsehole someone is or their good qualities don't impress you anymore.

You find it uncomfortable to be around them and don't feel that you're getting much out of the relationship.