Talk

Advanced search

Being used for sex

(152 Posts)
Confused12344 Wed 03-Jun-20 13:27:04

Hi

I’m new to this but just wanted some advice really even though I already know Deep down I guess.

I met a guy through mutual friends some years ago now.. he seemed really nice wasn’t interested in him at first strictly wanted to be friends as I felt we wouldn’t be on the same page as he’s younger than me and I want something serious but he was very keen said he also wanted something and kept on trying to date me offered to take me on holiday etc..

My friend said how interested he was in me and how he’s a nice guy and I should give him a chance. The more I saw him when we would all go out I started to like him.. and then it all went horribly wrong!

we started dating etc which then lead to sleeping together and I started to develop feelings over months it seemed to be going really well. I then brought up with him some time last year where this was going etc que him then turning into a different person ! he said he didn’t want anything and never had and this just ‘ was what it was ‘ I was very confused and hurt as that isn’t what he had said at the start at all and he had actually pursued me for about a year before I started dating him.

It went horribly wrong in September last year.. and since then I’v let my feelings get the better of me and I carried on sleeping with him but the dates stopped and he now just comes to my house as and when he wants has sex and leaves in the morning. I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon

I feel so used and worthless and I don’t know why I am allowing this behaviour as it’s going against everything I believe.

Thanks for listening.

OP’s posts: |
Confused12344 Wed 03-Jun-20 13:32:47

Didn’t want to be too outing but might aswell add . I also work with this guy

OP’s posts: |
KurtansCurtains Wed 03-Jun-20 13:33:02

As someone who has been in this position- block him back and don't unblock him. You've made your feelings known and he's playing you like a fiddle. Don't let him worm his way back into your life. Go cold turkey and move on. He won't change his mind while ever you're still available. And even if he did change, is this someone you really want to be with?

Honestly, it's hard to start with because you like them, but you're doing the best for you because he won't change. Move on with your life without him. It's probably not what you want to hear though.

KurtansCurtains Wed 03-Jun-20 13:34:44

Oh, I see you work with him too, which is harder. But in your position, I'd still block him from being able to contact you. If you see him at work, acknowledge him (if you have to) but don't go any further than that. Be polite but don't engage with him unless you have to.

Confused12344 Wed 03-Jun-20 13:47:00

@KurtansCurtains thanks for the response.. when he blocked me last time I did block him back and he contacted me via text message on a iCloud email address ( you can do that on iPhone ) he also text my phone work the same message. It is my responsibility to not respond but obviously my feelings take over.

Can I ask if the person you were involved with tried to get back in contact or left it ?

OP’s posts: |
BumbleBeee69 Wed 03-Jun-20 13:54:27

He blocks you when something better comes along.. unlocks you to use you because you let him.. it's just sex after all... and then blocks you again when something better comes along...

pick up your self respect and dignity and close this door.. especially as you work with him.. close this door OP.. you deserve way better than being someone's free sex option... flowers

soruff Wed 03-Jun-20 13:56:25

So sorry for you. Can you consider a chat with your employer if he starts to bother you at work.
Every employer is concerned about tribunals and strife even if they pretend not to care. They know.
All the best.

KurtansCurtains Wed 03-Jun-20 13:58:23

He did the first time. He more or less ghosted me for six months then got back in contact. I tried ending it a few times in between but he kept contacting me. I knew it wasn't going anywhere (I had to push to get that info out of him btw) after he'd come onto me very strongly and pursued me for a number of months in the beginning with a load of (what turned out to be) false promises. Obviously if I'd known he was just after a FWB situation in the beginning I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. I think he does this with a lot of women because he's not emotionally mature or available enough to handle a proper relationship.

The last time we spoke we had an argument and I asked him to block me on WA and SM and haven't heard from him since. It's hard because I fell in love with potential, rather than actual so there'll always be a 'what if?' (And I liked him probably more than I've ever liked anyone which makes it doubly hard). But I know that it was the right thing to do because I was losing all sense of self respect and dignity. You need to take back control and don't let him come back. I can recommend The Dating Guy and The Love Chat on YouTube for some sterling advice on relationships and dating and exes (sorry that was so long).

KurtansCurtains Wed 03-Jun-20 13:59:57

And don't let yourself be an option, OP. You're worth more than that.

MashedSpud Wed 03-Jun-20 14:05:17

It’s hard when you have feelings for someone but he’s being rude to you, using you and blocking you. He isn’t going to develop feelings for you or he wouldn’t be treating you so poorly. Maybe you’re hoping something will change but sadly it won’t.

You deserve so much better.

picklemewalnuts Wed 03-Jun-20 14:06:21

And you like him because? When you met you didn't know he'd behave like this so it isn't surprising you liked him

Now you know who he is, surely you despise him? Write to him. Tell him exactly what you think of someone who behaves like that. Then burn the letter and never speak to him again.

Dery Wed 03-Jun-20 14:20:15

"I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon"

Dear OP - please stop being his plaything and stop regarding yourself as so powerless in all this. You feel used and worthless because you are letting someone else treat you like this. Don't.

You shouldn't need him to block you in order to stop yourself going back to him. You need to be able to make that stand independently of him and no matter how hard he tries to lure you back in to being his fall-back option. Otherwise, you are giving him power over whether or not you take him back - after all the sh1t he's given you. I don't care how handsome he is or how good he is in bed or how awkward it makes things at work - you cannot be tolerating that kind of bullshit. There are lovely men out there who are also good in bed and who will cherish you and your relationship. In any case, it's far better to be single than putting up with this kind of BS.

I can't imagine a weaker position to be in - or a more empowering message to send him. You're basically saying that he is SO special and SO important to you that you will be unable to resist his summons should he choose to reach out to you. You should regard this situation as being his loss, not yours!!!

This is him. He's a player. He not only uses you for sex, he isn't even nice to you. He's ghastly. When you look back on this situation, you will be so glad he demonstrated what a prick he was so early on in the relationship - imagine if he started this kind of messing around years into your relationship.

Shut him down. Learn from this experience and put him behind you. Get busy and interested in other things. Give it time but most of us have been in a similar position to you and we can all promise you that with time he will cease to matter to you one jot.

CrazyDaysAndMondays Wed 03-Jun-20 14:29:06

Look up intermittent reinforcement . It might make sense of his behaviour to you and your response (it might not but it helped me a lot to make sense of things) .

Interestedwoman Wed 03-Jun-20 14:29:14

I've experienced many things like this and it's fucking awful.

Trust me, you will feel so much better if you block him on everything so he can't contact you again, and never speak to him again.

It will really boost your self esteem and be a revelation.

Whether you block him doesn't make a difference work-wise; he already blocked you in the past.

How he's treating you is horrible.

Please block immediately, you don't need to talk to him about it or give any reason, he will know and/or he deserves it.

CrazyDaysAndMondays Wed 03-Jun-20 14:31:45

There's a video by teal swan on YouTube ( I can't put up a link). It's called why you can't leave the relationship ... Try it out .

CrazyDaysAndMondays Wed 03-Jun-20 14:33:17

And how he is treating you is absolutely disgusting and appalling. You deserve so much better . Xxxxxxxx.

Start putting you first because he never will .

Bunnymumy Wed 03-Jun-20 14:34:31

No, it's not all about sex. It's far worse than that. It is about control, manipulation and ego.

People who are using you for sex have no reason to be horrible to you. Infact, it beneficial to them to keep you sweet.

You arent describing that. You are describing a narcissist. Or similar.

He lied and chased and lovebombef you in the beginning. And now he is devaluing you. Next will come the discard. But not until he has reduced you to a shell of who you were.

You do not love him,your feelings are for the person he pretended to be in the beginning. Who was not the real him. The real him is a monster. Look at his actions - he treats you with contempt. Because he views you with it. As a weak thing he can take from.

Stand up for yourself and dump his ass.

QueSera Wed 03-Jun-20 14:37:48

OP I am sorry this has happened to you, and sorry you are in this situation. I have seen this pattern before.
But please - grow some self-confidence and higher standards, and get rid of this waste-of-space once and for all. Block him on all platforms, delete his number, delete all his contact information, go no contact. It's the only way. It will probably be painful, but far better for your self-esteem. Good luck.

Khadernawazkhan Wed 03-Jun-20 14:43:08

I beg you not to demean yourself any further. Find a way to fight the temptation to sleep with him. Give him up and find another path in life. Find someone who will love and cherish you and not treat you with utter disrespect.

imsooverthisdrama Wed 03-Jun-20 14:46:48

You don't need anyone to tell you he's using you , you already know that .
My advice is don't let him contact you , be strong you are better than this .
Only engage with him at work and no more .

MagnoliaJustice Wed 03-Jun-20 14:55:49

He obviously enjoyed the chase, but now he's 'caught' you, he's not interested. Don't demean yourself anymore. You don't like him, you like the person he pretended to be. Block him everywhere. Have a look at some online dating sites, set up a few dates with different men (after lockdown obviously) and tell yourself that you deserve better than him.

Workplace relationships can be tricky at the best of times. He sounds like the worst of times. Get shot of him NOW.

Confused12344 Wed 03-Jun-20 15:52:26

@KurtansCurtains the situation you were in sounds very similar to mine . Have tried to end it myself a few times too and he will leave it for sometimes not even 24 hours and then message me as nothing as ever happened.

I also had to basically force it out of this guy that he didn’t want anything and even then he beat around the bush and didn’t say it upfront. I would have never accepted this either if he didn’t portray he was a completely different guy

This time last year he was asking to take me away and pay for me etc going on expensive dates and then it changes when I asked him where this was going.. and the more I have allowed the worse the disrespect has got.. his birthday was last November and he got upset I didn’t take him out for it .. after all the stuff he’d said about not wanting anything from me. My 30th was in January and he didn’t get me so much as a card and said it was Cos I didn’t get him anything.

He pressures me to not use a condom and to try things I wouldn’t usually try with other guys .. asked me to go on contraception for him (I didn’t ) when my body doesn’t really agree with it so I prefer condoms. Always wants to have sex drunk and has purposely got me blind drunk before and actually not used anything and came inside me knowing I am not on contraception !. I know it sounds so bloody awful typing this it really does.

I also have lost all sense of control and self respect I wouldn’t even allow this behaviour from exes I’ve been deeply in love with let alone this guy!

OP’s posts: |
Confused12344 Wed 03-Jun-20 15:54:53

Thank you everyone for your replies I appreciate the advise and hope I can get out of this awful situation

OP’s posts: |
Confused12344 Wed 03-Jun-20 15:56:35

@Bunnymumy I think you have really hit the nail on the head with some of the things you’ve said.. my friends have also said he sounds like a narcissist and that this is way more than just sex And all about control.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Wed 03-Jun-20 15:58:58

He probably wants you to get pregnant so be can keep ties to you for ever but without ever having to commit. To trap you.

Oh op, what a nasty man you've got mixed up with. He has actually assaulted you btw. Consent with conditions is no longer consent if those conditions arent meant.

Maybe google 'trauma bond with narcissists' as it sound like you may be dealing with this.

You know what you have to do op. Believe in yourself.

End things by text of possible and then block all contact. It will be tough for a while but you will manage it. Definately google narcissistic hoovering techniques (there are good youtube videos) to prepare yourself for what to expect when you end it.

Keep yourself safe!

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in