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Divorce or mid life crisis?

(11 Posts)
MidLifeCrisisMandy Tue 02-Jun-20 16:26:41

As the title suggests...

I am almost 37. I have been married for 5 years to my husband who is 20 years older than me. We have a 3 1/2 year old DC who will start school next year. We own our property outright, in both names. We both work full time.

I’m not happy in my marriage, never have been fully happy, and to be honest I married for the wrong reasons. I have been with my husband for 8 years. Prior to us getting together, the man I truly loved chucked me. I then met my husband, had a fairly good relationship with him but not amazing, got to 30 and believed this was as good as it gets. He didn’t even really propose to me properly.

We had a fairly good relationship until we got married. Our wedding day was beyond awful. He is not perfect but overall has more good points than bad. A lot of stressful life events happened then our dc was born. Unfortunately he had some health problems soon after marriage that means we have been unable to have sex for years. He may be able to fix this with surgery, which is being looked into.

I no longer find him attractive. We get on well but don’t have anything much in common. He’s a very good father though and is kind and caring in general.

There is resentment on my part from the things in the past, his lying about his previous marriage and why it ended (No, I wasn’t OW!) the fact he doesn’t keep in touch much with dc from previous marriage, has had trouble holding down a job, and some financial lying. He knows how I feel about all this.

Now we tick along. He’s not happy either I’m sure. Now that dc is past the hectic baby stage I suppose this has come to the fore.

So here it is. Am I deluded in thinking I could do better, with someone nearer my own age who I am passionately in love with, that loves me too despite my saggy boobs and being a single mother? Should I leave a nice non abusive husband and put my daughter through a divorce? Am I being a princess? Am I having a mid life crisis? Is it my hormones, peri menopause etc? I’m ok about being on my own, but would be looking for another relationship in the long run.

I grew up with parents who are still married but have been deeply unhappy for as long as I remember. I do not want my daughter to go through what I did.

Am I being ridiculous? Tell it to me straight please.


OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Tue 02-Jun-20 16:32:00

You are very very highly unlikely to be peri-menopausal at 37!
You may well be having a midlife crisis but this will be due to the fact that you know you made a huge mistake in marrying your husband.
You are not compatible.
You don't love him.
You don't even fancy him.
He's lied to you from the outset.
He can't even be asked with his other children.
Honestly... I think you would be much happier out of the relationship.
You are unhappy.
You are young. Do NOT settle for this half life - PLEASE!!!

Hippydoodledoo8 Tue 02-Jun-20 16:38:50

Leave him OP. It sounds like you’ve never been truly happy, if it were a bump in the road, I’d advise differently. But, you only have one life and being with a person you truly love and feel passionately about, is something everyone should have a chance of having.

It isn’t good staying together for the sake of children, coming from someone who came from a broken family.

Starlive23 Tue 02-Jun-20 16:41:34

Just leave him op, if neither of you are happy then it's just a marriage of convenience and you already know you want more from life. I'm sure it wont be easy and I wish you good luck in what you decide

HollowTalk Tue 02-Jun-20 16:46:40

I would definitely leave in that situation. I wouldn't be able to think of a good reason to stay, tbh.

MidLifeCrisisMandy Tue 02-Jun-20 16:58:22

Thank you all for being so kind to me.
You are all totally correct.
Also my husband deserves to be happy too.
It's the thought of having to sell our home and the upheaval that is scary. I am building up my courage and putting together a plan of action.
Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
IdblowJonSnow Tue 02-Jun-20 17:08:54

Err no. You're not being ridiculous. How long have you felt like this for? I maybe wouldn't do anything during lockdown though just in case it's that which makes things seem worse?
You don't have to stay in a marriage if you don't want to.

IdblowJonSnow Tue 02-Jun-20 17:24:01

Tbh you sound in an excellent position financially and with your job and your DD isnt in school yet so no move for her...
You're still really young, way too young to settle.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 02-Jun-20 17:29:05

You shouldn't worry about finding someone new as a condition to leave your husband. You should divorce because you are clearly unhappy and unsatisfied. It sounds as though you both are. Better days lie ahead.

HollowTalk Tue 02-Jun-20 17:34:13

Tell you something, I bet he'll get himself to the doctor pretty sharpish if you do leave him.

needhandhold Tue 02-Jun-20 18:07:04

Peri menopause is unlikely and it’s not a mid life crisis. That all hits normally just before 50. What you’ve got is an old fashioned unhappy marriage. You’re not happy. It’s ok to admit that and want something different. You’re best off leaving now when your child is this age and not letting it drag on for another 10 years when your husband will be almost 70! For gods sakes don’t marry somebody 20 years older next time! Tell him you want to split. Do it amicably. Move on

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