DH and I have been married almost 30 years. In that time he has regularly lost and gained weight. He has a pattern of gaining by massively overeating and then finding some new regime to lose weight. It's usually extreme and the timing of the weight loss is often linked to other stresses. I read a book about men with eating disorders years ago to try to understand what was happening and I think the dieting gives him a sense of control when he feels like he's lost control of his life. At times he's been able to discuss this issue, but not often. He hates himself when he's overweight and every time he starts some new programme it's like he's on a high. He's finally found the answer.
As you can imagine, lockdown has been difficult. DH has his own company but funding has been a challenge. Overall, he says that he's enjoyed lockdown, that his quality of life has improved and that he likes having more time for himself. Unfortunately, I noticed that he was starting to focus more and more on food and it started ringing alarm bells. One of the patterns is that he becomes irrational. He starts reading about some new idea that is a miracle cure for weight loss, health, whatever. This time it's been veganism and the evils of meat.
I have nothing against vegans but it feels like DH is using this as his latest justification for his limited eating. To give it context, a few years ago DH saw a nutritionist for advice about diet. She said that he had a pretty healthy diet but that he should try to eat more fish and perhaps switch to rye bread for the additional fibre. Within a week DH was eating virtually nothing but salmon and rye bread. For breakfast, lunch and dinner. We went to visit my parents and he went to the grocery store, purchased what he needed and would cook his salmon and rye bread while the rest of us ate meals together. There was also a period of virtually nothing but raw peanuts and fresh pineapple, but I forget how that obsession began. He made himself quite ill that time. And two years with no sugar. He wouldn't even have a bite of the children's birthday cakes. I remember how much that upset them. And a period of nothing but chicken ceasar salad, no dressing. The food choices start from a place of health but descend into something else.
He's been vegetarian for over a year and that's been fine as he has eaten a variety of things but a few months ago he started watching 'documentaries' about vegan eating plans that kept you young, cured disease, etc. I looked into a few of them and one google brought up loads of debunking articles and warnings about the approach. The irony is that DH says he's doing this because he wants to be more healthy. I think he's afraid of getting older and eventually dying. He turned 50 last year.
I could feel it ramping up over the last few weeks and it came to a head on Sunday when he started telling me that Omega 3 is a scam. When I pointed out that taking Omega 3 is recommended for heart health for anyone who doesn't eat meat or fish he said that wasn't true and got angry that I'm not more supportive. I suggested he look at he British Heart Foundation website for guidelines but he seems to think that the medical industry is part of some kind of conspiracy. I tried to express my concerns about his eating habits and he just got angry and defensive and said that I should be more supportive. He hasn't really spoken to me since Sunday. He has always made me a coffee in the mornings and he's stopped doing that. I have a slipped disc in my back so he carries the laundry up and down the stairs for me and he's told me today to do it myself. I know this is a tantrum and I'm trying to just give him space but it is so unpleasant.
The children are 17 and 14 and they had picked up on DH's food fixations years ago. My concern is how all of this is affecting them, DD14 in particular. She has started expressing concern about her weight and what food she eats. She is a very healthy weight now but has one friend who has been in hospital with anorexia and I definitely want for us to have healthy attitudes towards food in the house to balance anything she might be hearing at school or among peers.
Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do. The atmosphere in the house is awful. When DH refused to help with the laundry he said 'we need to talk about a lot of things and that's one of them'. Again, he is falling into a pattern of behaviour where he blames me for everything. I'm trying to to give him space and get on with the things I need to do. I'm having a socially distanced coffee with friends on Thursday, which will be nice.
I'm trying to be sympathetic with DH. The food thing is usually a sign that he's struggling, but I also don't want to spend my life watching him go through the same unpleasant patterns of behaviour. This pattern of feast and famine will be damaging his health. He already sees a counselor and was recently diagnosed with ADHD and is taking medication for that.
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Lockdown madness or the final straw? {LONG}
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howtocope · 02/06/2020 14:05
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