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What is my relationship

(14 Posts)
Dunkingbiscuits1 Tue 02-Jun-20 12:46:13

My dp and I have been together for almost 3 years, but to be honest I have no idea what our relationship is. We have a dd together, dd was not planned but still very much loved. We live together but only since dd was born. Living together came about when dp began staying over all the time because of dd, staying over as in eating, sleeping, showering, clothes washed etc but I was the one to still pay bills, rent, food etc. Dp also has a dd to a previous relationship who would stay over also.

I then mentioned about him staying all the time would he contribute to bills and the rest. This is how we have ended up living together. All bills come from my account but now he doesnt give money when hes supposed to. I dont know its because he forgets or doesnt want to hand it over. I dont like to ask for it though.

At the beginning we would go out together with each others friends, now im rarely invited. I am also rarely invited to his family events. When my family have a function he is always invited because they treat us like a couple. His family dont, they seem to treat him like hes on his own. Our dd has no relationship with his family as it appears they have no desire to see her or me for that matter.

As a couple we don't seem overly close, we dont share things, I would have his back with anything but he would never have mine. He can side with everyone except me. He won't ask his family why they dont acknowledge myself or dd. Or am i being unreasonable to expect him to because it his family?

Am i expecting to much from him? What is a relationship supposed to be like?

OP’s posts: |
Righteouswarrior Tue 02-Jun-20 13:16:23

No that's not what a relationship should be likeat all! He sounds more like a lodger trying to dodge the rent and bills.
The fact that you lead pretty much separate lives in respect of his side of the family and his friends suggests he is not committed to you or your child together as much as he should be. He's treating you like a meal ticket to live his life with little contribution. Now would be the time I'd make an ultimatum. He either wants to be a couple or he doesn't. If he doesn't he moves out and you sort out how you retain contact for your dd, or he wants to stay together he sets up regular payments (like a standing order) through the bank to pay his half of bills so no forgetting,and if he effs up for example cancelling payments then he's out.
As for his family, he should be standing up for his dd and encouraging contact. If it they still behave the same then that's down to them, but he at least needs to try.

Dunkingbiscuits1 Tue 02-Jun-20 13:23:50

I always worry that giving him an ultimatum is being controlling or I worry about being a narcissist.

OP’s posts: |
TheoriginalLEM Tue 02-Jun-20 13:24:05

He's a cocklofger- kick him out and claim maintenance. He doesnt sound like much of a catch

Bunnymumy Tue 02-Jun-20 13:42:07

The second you mentioned about him never having your back (and clearly being obvious about it if its 'never') I thought - narcissist. They like to make you feel like you arent 'good enough' for them to support.

He probably tells his family you are crazy, or some other shit, just to keep you away from them. Maybe because he doesn't want them to see how badly he is treating you.

Kick the cocklodging bastard out.
Your instincts are spot on with - narcissist.

Bunnymumy Tue 02-Jun-20 13:45:36

Oops,you meant you?
No. It isnt you. He is one.
He is staying in your home, rent free and treating you with disdain, contempt and general coldness.

That is not how a normal relationship looks. It us however, how an emotionally abusive one looks.

Opentooffers Tue 02-Jun-20 13:48:39

He's got it made, free living courtesy of you. It's not controlling to insist on equality, it's standing up for yourself. He's got it easy because you let him. He's not got respect for you because you are not respecting yourself in this. Sounds like his family don't even know you are a couple because he hasn't told them you are.
It's good you are used to financing yourself as I think you will be in the future, I doubt your DP wants to be your DP, and there is your problem. You may become more appealing to him by standing up for yourself and show him you are willing to be independent of him by kicking him out - that's the best way to deal with this situation.

intheningnangnong Tue 02-Jun-20 13:54:44

He sounds like a PITA lodger. What’s the point of him?

A relationship is like living with your best friend and supportive. Sure you have other friends, but your lives are entwined and you consult and support each other.

Dunkingbiscuits1 Tue 02-Jun-20 14:07:01

Would this be why he has never made any plans to marry or buy a house. You know like have goals

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Tue 02-Jun-20 14:13:54

His sort only marry to trap people. You already let him stay in your home rent free. He already sees you as a doormat, why would he marry you?

He doesnt need to buy a house. He lives with you for free. His only goal is to get something for nothing. Or worse, something at the expense of your happiness, sanity and financial stability. Either way, he doesnt give a shit.

He really doesnt even like you. You can see it by his actions. He treats you with contempt. Because he views you with contempt.

We think 'surely he must love me if he is here with me otherwise why not break up?'. It's because he us nothing like you. He is a dark hearted fucker who is with you in order to stamp on you (in order to feel good about himself) and steal from you. Because you let him.

Essentially, he is like a playground bully. And you are hus victim.

cheesyrats Tue 02-Jun-20 14:14:57

He's having his cake and eating it. Family life when he feels like it (that doesn't even cost him anything) and a single life when he feels like that instead.

Time to put your foot down OP, and tell him he needs to commit one way or the other, and to cough up or ship out.

copycopypaste Tue 02-Jun-20 14:19:37

Sounds like he wants to live somewhere free of charge, have his bills and food paid for, a maid to look after his kids, a cleaner and cook to look after him, and spend his leisure time as a single man.

I'd kick him out tbh. If he really wants to be with you, he'll try to make amends and you can discuss how to move forward. But whilst he's living the cocklidger life it's unlikely to change

Bunnymumy Tue 02-Jun-20 14:20:22

Jeezo, dont ask him to commit. You'll doom yourself to a life of misery.

He makes it obvious he will support everyone else but you. He makes out are always the one in the wrong somehow (Probably even taking their side when other people have treated you badly?) Wtf would you want someone like that in your life? Who needs enemies with partners like that!

Get shot of him.
And read up on narcissists because it sounds like you are dealing with one. Big time.

Ducypy Thu 04-Jun-20 14:07:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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