Can’t move on from early deceptions

[Whattodo987]

Hi all. I’m pregnant and emotional so please be kind.

I have been with my OH for nearly 2 years now and I can’t seem to move past the lies he told me early on. We had a massive row last night because he is fed up of me rehashing things (Every few months I may get triggered and bring something from the past up) and he says if I’m that miserable I shouldn’t have got back with him (we split when I initially found things out.)

Here are a few things that happened early on that I can’t seem to shake:

1. He lied so much about his ex (who he has kids with) - I didn’t know they were married for a short while, he made out that he got engaged to her but he wasn’t bothered about actually marrying her, he just did it as they had kids together. When in fact he planned everything for the wedding, spreadsheets etc all over his computer, he even applied to go on a wedding tv show and I saw a whole application he’d filled out - telling the producers how in love they were. It ended soon after the wedding as she cheated multiple times. Loads of other minor little things about her that he shouldn’t hide but he felt the need to because he was “embarrassed of his past.“
   

1. When I moved in with him I found out he was messaging girls he had previously had flings with before being with me. He denied it when I asked and said he wasn’t talking to any women since being with me, but living with him I saw messages pop up and when confronted he admitted he was talking to them. The messages were all platonic - in fact he would even talk about me - however one girl in particular would persistently message him and he wasn’t shutting her down or anything - even though he says he was trying to. The main thing that upset me about this was that he denied talking to them, not the content of their messages.
   

1. The ex (again) he made out he was over her but some of his family took me aside when I first met them and told me he is still ‘under her spell.’ Which did seem evident when we first were together, he would talk about her a lot and she would call him constantly and he’d come running. After going mental overthinking early on when we lived together (a few months into moving in) I snooped on his phone and found he had been looking at old naked photos of her, had sex videos of them when they were together and other stuff. He’d been looking at those when we were together (about 3 months into the relationship.) He deleted them since and promises things have changed since then and tbh he doesn’t answer the phone to her any more and doesn’t seem half as bothered as he did initially - however this still hurts me a lot. He still has to see this ex weekly to pick up and drop his kid off too so that’s always a trigger for me. Especially as he clearly was madly in love with her.
   

After I snooped and found things we had a big discussion and I moved out and set some boundaries. Obviously I can’t control him and don’t expect to but I said what I will/won’t tolerate going forward. I then decided to move back in and we both agreed it wasn’t healthy to snoop and we changed our phone passcodes. So for the past year and a half I have not had access to his phone. I guess that’s hard for me as how will I ever know if he’s still lying or not?

I want to trust him, and I try my hardest but sometimes I feel like we’re just on different pages with what is/isn’t appropriate. I think he justifies everything he does so that he never feels guilt. But also I can see he has been trying and whilst I’ve listed awful qualities he is a fantastic boyfriend and dad and most of the time we are happy until these thoughts creep into my head.

Is there any way this can work? I am newly pregnant and feel so sad at the idea of not continuing with the pregnancy. But also I don’t think I could if we weren’t together. I just want to be able to move on from the lies and fully trust him and not bring up the past. Is that even possible?
Anyone been deceived and worked through it? My reasoning behind still thinking about it is that I think I’m trying to protect myself. I was single a long time before meeting him and had no intentions of being with/trusting a man again so it’s been hard for me to do this especially with his early deceptions. I think by me not forgetting about it maybe it makes me feel more prepared for if it happens again - but I’m almost pre empting it doing that.

Is there any hope?

[SDM2809]

I’m not sure I can be of any help but Iv been through this twice. First was my exh, neither of us were married or had children previously but I felt he never treated me right in the beginning. To be honest I don’t think I ever forgave him or fall back in love with him and I ended up leaving him 10 years later anyway.
Iv had a lot of relationships and maybe it’s my type as it seems to be a recurring theme for me to be messed around in the beginning.
My current partner also the same, been together 2 years like you, also wasn’t over his exw and wasn’t ready for a relationship when I met him really but he told me he wanted it all with me but then just messed me around until we finished 6 months into the relationship. A month later I then put boundaries in place and took him back because to be honest I’m fed up of dating and he had the potential to be an amazing long term partner. with the new boundaries the last 11 moths have been the best I could imagine and it’s pretty good, however he ruined what I did feel, I don’t have the same drive with him or feel as much as team as I’d like. I don’t look at him the same way or feel as bothered about a future as I do see to be. He ruined it all and I know it will never be all perfect now But it’s ok for now

[summerfruitssquash]

Op,
He has betrayed your trust and it will always be in the back of your head because of the fact his ex will always be in his life.
It’s your decision as to whether you want to continue with this pregnancy, but ultimately your relationship doesn’t sound a good foundation for a new baby.

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

Bloody hell he isn't a fantastic boyfriend by any stretch. I'm sorry you're going through this but I really can't see a happy ending for you while you're in a relationship with him. He not faithful, he likes getting his ego stroked, he has lied to you in very significant ways, and you can say you've tried to move past it but you've realised you can't. That's fair enough and if he really is fantastic he will completely understand why and that this is all his fault

[Dery]

"After I snooped and found things we had a big discussion and I moved out and set some boundaries. Obviously I can’t control him and don’t expect to but I said what I will/won’t tolerate going forward. I then decided to move back in and we both agreed it wasn’t healthy to snoop and we changed our phone passcodes. So for the past year and a half I have not had access to his phone. I guess that’s hard for me as how will I ever know if he’s still lying or not?

I want to trust him, and I try my hardest but sometimes I feel like we’re just on different pages with what is/isn’t appropriate. I think he justifies everything he does so that he never feels guilt. But also I can see he has been trying and whilst I’ve listed awful qualities he is a fantastic boyfriend and dad and most of the time we are happy until these thoughts creep into my head."

It was wrong to snoop but then again it was wrong of him to lie so consistently about really important things. In 20+ years with my partner, it has never even occurred to me to snoop on his phone. And we have very occasionally had to face difficult and painful truths from and in relation to each other. That's what happens when people in long-term relationships are honest with each other. This man gave you reason to snoop because he told such major lies. And furthermore you know deep down why he told you those lies - it was because he didn't want to have to deal with your reactions if you knew the truth. He wanted to avoid the consequences. It was lazy thinking and has left you unable to trust him.

It's not healthy to snoop. It's also not healthy to tell lies. It seems to me that you've reached an agreement which prevents you snooping but leaves him free to continue to have unsettling contact with his ex and with other girls i.e. doesn't protect you at all and gives him everything he could possibly want. That is why you cannot relax in this relationship. Of course, you can't. No sensible person could in your shoes. I don't know how many other threads you have read on MN, but one thing is clear: when there has been emotional or actual infidelity leading one partner to mistrust the other, one of the basic requirements for getting over that is for the 'unfaithful' partner to open up their devices to the 'wronged' partner's scrutiny on a regular basis. It's not foolproof (there could always be an undisclosed device somewhere else) but the point is: what your partner has done is the absolute opposite. And it's not okay.

He needs to understand that you cannot just take things on trust because he proved so untrustworthy early on. And that might be a dealbreaker for you or indeed for him.

It's up to you whether you continue with your pregnancy and, although I am ultimately pro-choice, I would be very reluctant to encourage someone to terminate a pregnancy, especially a stranger on the Internet. That said, it doesn't sound like ideal timing given the work that still needs to be done on this relationship, particularly given that the early years of parenting are so challenging for even the most established of relationships but perhaps on reflection you might feel able to go it alone.

Or you might be able to reach a better place with your BF but he needs to realise that he did too much damage to the relationship early on for you to just be able to get over it now.