Need reassurance so badly - or should I just end it?

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

Been with OH for 18 months and they’ve been rocky at times but overall very happy. I was reading the love bombing thread and I guess you could say that was him at the beginning - he fell in love with me very quickly and was very open about how he felt. The difference is, now that has worn off to some extent he’s in no way abusive or even unkind, just distant and not as loving.

This was hard enough before lockdown but it’s intolerable now - we’ve only seen each other twice, distanced and although we’re always in touch - we speak or text every day - and he’s adamant things are fine between us, all of the romance and affection has pretty much gone.

I’m so desperate for some reassurance that he still feels the same about me but even when I openly ask him he refuses to give it, just says everything is fine and this is the way things have to be for now - tbh it hurts that he won’t see me as I’d have taken the risk but I do respect his opinion on that. But I look back through his old messages and it kills me that he can’t speak to me like that again. Normally I’d just say hey it’s a bloke, they don’t show their feelings, but I know he’s capable of it.

I just don’t understand him. He’s made it very clear he wants to be with me but beyond that we may as well not together. I don’t know whether it’s just that he’s finding lockdown tough and has shut himself off or if he genuinely isn’t bothered any more but in that case why not just say? He’s suffered badly with depression in the past so I do try and give him space/support/whatever and not expect too much but at the moment I’m getting nothing.

I’d break it off because the constant worrying and wondering are not good for me especially just now, but it’s not a conversation to have by text or over the phone - he’s likely to just blank me so I really need to speak to him face to face.

I think I just need to detach myself emotionally from him until this is over but I’ve no idea how to do that and the fact I’m so into someone who refuses to give me what I need does really depress me.

Seeing him is the only thing I’m looking forward to when this is over but I wonder if I’m wasting my time, for whatever reason he just doesn’t appear to feel the same about me - is he seeing (well talking to just now) someone else? Did he not find me attractive any more when we met up? Am I just a safety bet to help his loneliness and self esteem?

So sad and nobody I can talk about this with irl 😥

[Wagamamas]

Break up

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I can't believe how many amazing women on here tolerate so much bullshit. This is bullshit OP, the whole point of being in a relationship is so your life is made easier not harder. Tell him this:

"John I've had enough of you making me feel like shit and filling my head with doubt, misery and BULLSHIT. I don't know what the problem is but you are upsetting me beyond belief and I'm not prepared to waste my time on someone who is undervaluing me as much as you have done lately, this is not what I stand for. Goodbye."

If it kicks him up his loser arse great, but I doubt it will. If it doesn't - fuck him. Like most men referred to on here he's probably just another heartless inconsiderate cunt.

[KelpHelper]

Of course you should break up. This isn’t working for you, and frankly if he’s taking you for granted after a year and a half, when you are unable to see one another for months, what do you imagine he’ll be like after three years, or five?

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

Sorry OP if that was a bit blunt, it's on your behalf not aimed at you if that makes sense x

[Grobagsforever]

Run! Being with this dull, game playing, uninteresting man is destroying your self esteem.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Ditch, the relationship is done. Hard to see it sometimes but please don't waste anymore of your precious life on him.

[Anniegetyourgun]

You've read about love bombing so you must realise what it is: acting. You've fallen in love with a character in his own drama who put on such a good show of being in love that you were completely taken in. To be fair, he may genuinely have felt quite enthusiastic at the start so it wasn't all an act; but his feelings have tailed off because they weren't deep rooted, whereas yours have grown. Or to be more cynical: now he has you hooked he doesn't have to try so hard.

I don't get this having to talk to him face to face. If he'll blank you when you start such an important conversation doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

[category12]

Love bombing isn't real love. Going hot and cold on you is emotionally abusive.

Strap on your dignity and dump.

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t just dump me, what does he want from me? He’s insistent we’re ok and at times it feels like we are - it’s so confusing.

[Grobagsforever]

He doesn't dump you because you're an ego boost.

[category12]

What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t just dump me, what does he want from me?

Because hot & cold types want you to chase and cry and tear yourself apart and be ever so grateful when they are warm towards you, so your boundaries and self esteem are low for when they really ramp up the crap.

Do yourself a favour and stop.

[Spillinteas]

There is two things that could be going on here.

1. He is just biding time till some one else comes along. Have you checked on dating apps to see if he on there?
   
   
2. He is actually capable of being cold and distant in a relationship and expects his partners just to put up with it.
   
   I’ve been in both positions and it makes you feel like shit. Good relationship don’t make you feel like this.
   
   Either example is good enough reason to leave.

[category12]

Really it boils down to you asking the wrong question - if you're ever hanging on for someone and you're asking "why don't they break up with me?" - it's a clear signal you should be asking yourself, "why am I still putting up with this?" instead. (I've done it myself btw). It shouldn't be this hard.

[Bathbedandbeyond]

Definitely end it OP, you deserve more.

[LostandLockeddown]

Some of the replies seem harsh but actually find them really interesting because these women have more self esteem than me!

I too have had an 18 month relationship with someone who blows hot and cold. It has ended but I'm still getting messages (mixed ones at that!). I think there are several poss reasons for his behaviour but if he's not willing to share them , that is what you need to focus on. It's v hard but try and take some time to think about your needs and not his.

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

Yeah my self esteem is at rock bottom! I’m divorced and had a year or so of complete losers through OLD before I met him but I don’t do being by myself very well.

[Songsofexperience]

I don’t do being by myself very well.

That tends to be the crux of the problem. In my case it took nearly a decade before I worked out why.

[Whatisthisfuckery]

OP, your problem is that you haven’t learnt to be by yourself yet. If you think being single is so bad then you’re bound to accept any old shite. Until you learn to be happy by yourself your standards will always be too low, because if your happiness depends so much on somebody else you’ll always accept less as a compromise.

This guy is a chancer and he’s not making you happy, but he knows you won’t be on your own so you’ll swallow his shittiness. It’s easy to take advantage of people who think they have no better options and that’s what he’s doing.

You should be entering into relationships because they improve your life, not because you can’t cope without a man. Honestly being single is not hard, and it’s actually very liberating once you get past the idea that you need to be in a relationship.

You need to do some reframing here. If you start a relationship it should be because it adds something extra to your life, not just because it fills a gap. If there are gaps in your life when you’re single then you need to learn to fill them, because men are not polyfiller.

People with a healthy self esteem enter into relationships because they 100% want to., where as you’re entering into relationships because a large percentage of you feels you need to. My best advice is to dump this loser, he’s not making you happy so he’s no use to you, and work on your self esteem so that the next time you start a relationship it’s because you want to.

[DileenODoubts]

Do some reading on anxious and avoidant attachment types in relationships and see if it rings any bells.
It seems like you’re classic anxious type attachment and he’s classic avoidant

[Dery]

@category12 was bang on in saying:
"Really it boils down to you asking the wrong question - if you're ever hanging on for someone and you're asking "why don't they break up with me?" - it's a clear signal you should be asking yourself, "why am I still putting up with this?" instead. (I've done it myself btw). It shouldn't be this hard."

You've identified that your problem is that you don't do being by yourself very well. Why do you think that is? What did you learn about relationships and yourself growing up that makes you so reluctant to spend time single and makes you think you must have a man in your life? Why don't you value yourself more? Because as PP have observed, your inability to do "being by yourself" just makes you vulnerable to putting up with shit.

Being splendidly and confidently single and refusing to put up with relationship BS are almost certainly what will allow you, in due course, to find a happy and fulfilling relationship. But until you know you can do "being by yourself" well, you're just going to talk yourself into staying in situations which make you feel unloved and unwanted and sap your self-esteem.

[SpiderStan]

I would explain to him how you feel - exactly how you have explained it here. His response will indicate how emotionally mature he is and whether your efforts are wasted or not. Wouldn't you rather be putting all that love and effort into something that makes you feel loved and wanted? I know I would.

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

I do need to talk to him but I'd rather do it face to face. We've got so much in common and it can be really good but I think he's the one with issues - although I clearly have my own because I accept it, not entirely sure why that is.

[Aquamarine1029]

I don’t do being by myself very well.

Which is why you keep making such terrible relationship choices. I suggest you get therapy for your issues before you enter into yet another dead end relationship.

[KelpHelper]

What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t just dump me, what does he want from me? He’s insistent we’re ok and at times it feels like we are - it’s so confusing.

In the nicest possible way, OP, this is the wrong question to be asking. 'What's in this for me?' is where you should be coming from. Prioritise your own feelings. It's the fact that you are behaving as though someone else is more important than you are in this relationship which is driving you mad.

[HollowTalk]

"John I've had enough of you making me feel like shit and filling my head with doubt, misery and BULLSHIT. I don't know what the problem is but you are upsetting me beyond belief and I'm not prepared to waste my time on someone who is undervaluing me as much as you have done lately, this is not what I stand for. Goodbye."

Exactly this.