We’ve been together nearly 8 years and still not mastered this. Every few weeks we have a big blow up where I’m annoyed about something (usually relates to being left out or sidelined) and when I let it be known that I’m sad (usually after much prodding and poking while I try to let it go. Unsuccessfully!) he’ll then get defensive, tell me he’s done nothing wrong and it’s my fault for being so sensitive. It escalates to where I think “fuck this, we’re clearly not compatible if I can’t even feel a bit sad without it causing a massive row”, he’ll say I’m hard work etc and then we both strop off and ignore each other for 24 hours.
It’s totally unhealthy and I’ve tried to change it so many times, but we always play it out the exact same way. I’ve even taking to calling out bingo when he’s said all of the usual things “you’re spoiling for an argument” “is it that time of the month?” “I don’t need this drama” (even though he brings most of it!) “I’ll talk to you when you’re in a better mood” “I’m an easy going guy - -as long as you never challenge me-- “ etc
He then likes to gloss over it and text me the next day saying “how’s your day?” And if I’m not 100% chipper he’ll say “oh we’re still arguing then. I’ll give you some more time”.
It’s ground me down tbh over the years. I just want to be able to feel sad about something difficult and not have it turn into this.
The last time it happened I sent him this link to the Gottman Institute
They talk about ways of communicating and how to argue productively. One of the main things is quick and effective reparations after a row. Stewing just makes it worse, it doesn’t go away.
Maybe have a read of some of their stuff. They talk about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which signify the end of a marriage. Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. We have all of those things in spades. If we want our relationship to last we need to find a way for me to air grievances without him getting defensive, and without resorting to contemptuous remarks and stonewalling.
It’s not easy but with practice I think it could be our salvation! He’s agreed to a “State of the Union” chat regularly to discuss how we’re both feeling and to listen to each other without defensiveness.
When I first sent him the link he got defensive and said he didn’t want to be “ fixed” but when I said it’s not about him, it’s about us, that we have some issues with communication that are perpetual and need to be handled better, he was ok with it.
Sorry that was long and waffly but hopefully something useful in amongst it all?!