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Does your DH/DP talk about what happened after an argument?

(36 Posts)
BrandyandBabycham Mon 01-Jun-20 22:27:47

DH will apologise if he’s handled things badly or upset me but sometimes I really feel the need to discuss what happened but he just doesn’t! I’m left feeling wound up & resentful. He will say that I want to discuss it “ to my satisfaction “ but I disagree. What do you guys do? Is it better to have the argument then move on or is it helpful to “ post mortem” it so that things can maybe go differently next time?

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Fidgety31 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:37:33

I send a lengthy WhatsApp message to him on my thoughts and feelings which helps me digest everything that’s been said and done
He doesn’t reciprocate and doesn’t like that I do that - but I have to as that’s how I move on .
I cannot ignore problems .

PussInBin20 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:44:33

It’s a tricky one. I guess it depends on both of your characters. My DH is like you in that he will want to “resolve” the issue by dissecting it, however to me this is just his way of ensuring I agree with him and quite often I don’t! so I just say to “forget it” or “I don’t want to talk about it” as otherwise we just go round in circles and I would rather not.

Is this what your DH means - that he thinks you want to try and get him to agree with you?

The downside to it is that I suppose the issue is not resolved to stop it happening again and I just feel a bit rubbish/quiet for a time until I just get over it/move on.

My DH hates to be wrong though and we’re probably not the best example to go by, as we deal with conflict differently.

BrandyandBabycham Mon 01-Jun-20 22:44:57

I sent a couple of texts tonight which he read but no reply ( although he had gone to bed & turned off the lights). What’s annoying is that often the arguments start because DH communicates poorly what he’s feeling, which can then make him grumpy or in tonight’s case downright rude), and then he won’t communicate much with me afterwards. He’s always hated conflict.

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BrandyandBabycham Mon 01-Jun-20 22:49:20

pussinbin20 yes I reckon that’s what DH thinks, that I want him to agree with me. A lot of the time I am right tho lol 😂. I just wish he would clearly say what he’s thinking instead of kicking off & leaving me wondering where on earth he’s coming from.

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PussInBin20 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:56:34

Haha of course you are! Communication is key as they say but not everyone is good at this or of expressing themselves. DH will argue until the cows come home whereas I will retreat.

Desperatelysadandmad Mon 01-Jun-20 22:57:11

Hmm. It's generally me doing the talking while he looks wounded and sad. I like to send lengthy WhatsApp messages too and he does respond. I get frustrated as i see his shutting down as a form of control. I I'm a long time poster but changed my name for a thread in 30 Days Only.

BrandyandBabycham Mon 01-Jun-20 22:58:51

Any advice on how to respond when he accuses me of telling him off? So bloody frustrating!

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backseatcookers Mon 01-Jun-20 23:02:47

"I'm not telling you off, I just hate when we argue so I think it makes sense to talk about what happened so we can hopefully stop that issue in the future. I'm sorry if it stresses you out, I'll try really hard to not go on about it or take up loads of time, just have a calm discussion when we've both calmed down after an argument."

Something like that?

BrandyandBabycham Tue 02-Jun-20 00:05:46

He also accused me of lecturing him. It didn’t help that we were out in the garden & he was aware of the neighbours being able to hear. I do tend to want to deal with whatever’s going on straight away but perhaps I should have held my tongue. He’d said something unfair & a bit nasty though ( can’t remember what now) so I was all fired up

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carlywurly Tue 02-Jun-20 07:44:18

Dp asked me to stop shouting at him the other day. I really wasn't - it was a slight raise of tone due to sheer frustration. He has snapped far more at me in the past.

He shuts me down and won't properly acknowledge or discuss things and generally has such a childish response to resolving conflict I actually think I need to end the relationship.

When you just can't move past issues and they keep coming back round, a little bit of your soul dies every time you have the same row.

Whattodo987 Tue 02-Jun-20 08:46:03

Yep my OH is the same. In fact we’ve not spoken since an argument last night and now he’ll just be off with me for the foreseeable. He seems to hate to talk about anything and just shuts down.

BrandyandBabycham Tue 02-Jun-20 11:51:06

Anyone else?

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speakball Tue 02-Jun-20 14:00:33

OP this is abuse and he is displaying his lack of empathy for you in a way you need to ask yourself that you tolerate.

Techway Tue 02-Jun-20 14:16:54

Are you asking for validation of your feelings?

I think it is healthy if both parties can acknowledge what they were upset about and seek apologies as that allows you both to be understood.

Have a look at Fair Fighting rules as hopefully you can jointly agree a way to discuss heated subjects.

Not resolving conflict can lead to resentment and that is a relationship killer. However it is also important to know when to move on.
Do you argue often? What tends to be the issue?

backseatcookers Tue 02-Jun-20 14:32:40

OP was my suggested message anything you think could be useful?

"I'm not telling you off, I just hate when we argue so I think it makes sense to talk about what happened so we can hopefully stop that issue in the future. I'm sorry if it stresses you out, I'll try really hard to not go on about it or take up loads of time, just have a calm discussion when we've both calmed down after an argument."

peonyfairy03 Tue 02-Jun-20 14:58:25

My DH always thinks he’s right and he comes across that’s just my opinion I often say yes that’s your opinion and I don’t agree or will say the other side. He will just go to bed and I will be stubborn and sleep in spare room he very rarely says he’s sorry. I’m learning to just let him have his say.

catsandlavender Tue 02-Jun-20 15:44:40

Yep. This is literally me and my DP. I want to discuss things and he doesn’t, he will often not face me when I’m talking and just agrees with me without meaning it because he wants me to shut up and leave him alone.
It’s really, really hard. I feel alone with it because if nothing is ever spoken about it doesn’t get resolved and then resentment builds and when small things happen they seem bigger to me because it’s a continuation of a theme etc.
We just communicate in VERY different ways. I think you honestly have to learn to compromise and accept that (like me) you aren’t going to have a deep heart to heart debrief after every argument. I want to discuss things straight away and he would rather just ruminate alone for a bit and then go back to normal but for me that is not a workable way of doing things.
I try to leave him for a bit and then talk about stuff when we’ve both cooled down. Ultimately he still seems like he’s there with a gun to his head but there’s nothing I can do about it, and usually his later actions show me that he has taken stuff on board.
It doesn’t help that I’m a teacher so he likes to sometimes say I’m telling him off and lecturing him. I’d say it’s the biggest issue in our relationship and we are still trying to work through it, but reaching a compromise and talking about your needs is important.

Flittingabout Tue 02-Jun-20 15:53:56

We have a weekly Gottman check in where we go over a set agenda including a section to talk through what hurt us during any conflict. We have learnt we can often let things go safe in the knowledge we will get a time to talk it through when emotions have lessened during check in. It isn't always appropriate to have a full in vivo debrief or post mortem so this has given us best of both. Obviously other benefits too. Has massively improved our ability to have healthy conflict.

The questions are:
What 5 things have you appreciated in your partner this week?
When did you feel most loved?
What was the best thing about being together?
In what way did I hurt or upset you or annoy you?
What surprised you this week?
What fears do you have for the week ahead?
What do you need from me this week?

speakball Tue 02-Jun-20 15:54:09

When your dh's behave like this they are telling you they don't care about you, your feelings, your fears, your hopes, none of it. They just want you to shut up. They don't give a shit about communicating and it's not 'a different style'. It's abuse.

carlywurly Tue 02-Jun-20 19:52:56

Sadly I agree. Imagine it the other way round. Your dp or dh wants to let you know that something you do hurts or bothers them. Do you listen and make some reasonable attempt to change your behaviour or do you just shut them down repeatedly and hope it goes away..?

Thinking about it this way really clarifies it for me

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 02-Jun-20 20:59:52

We’ve been together nearly 8 years and still not mastered this. Every few weeks we have a big blow up where I’m annoyed about something (usually relates to being left out or sidelined) and when I let it be known that I’m sad (usually after much prodding and poking while I try to let it go. Unsuccessfully!) he’ll then get defensive, tell me he’s done nothing wrong and it’s my fault for being so sensitive. It escalates to where I think “fuck this, we’re clearly not compatible if I can’t even feel a bit sad without it causing a massive row”, he’ll say I’m hard work etc and then we both strop off and ignore each other for 24 hours.

It’s totally unhealthy and I’ve tried to change it so many times, but we always play it out the exact same way. I’ve even taking to calling out bingo when he’s said all of the usual things “you’re spoiling for an argument” “is it that time of the month?” “I don’t need this drama” (even though he brings most of it!) “I’ll talk to you when you’re in a better mood” “I’m an easy going guy - -as long as you never challenge me-- “ etc

He then likes to gloss over it and text me the next day saying “how’s your day?” And if I’m not 100% chipper he’ll say “oh we’re still arguing then. I’ll give you some more time”.

It’s ground me down tbh over the years. I just want to be able to feel sad about something difficult and not have it turn into this.

The last time it happened I sent him this link to the Gottman Institute

They talk about ways of communicating and how to argue productively. One of the main things is quick and effective reparations after a row. Stewing just makes it worse, it doesn’t go away.

Maybe have a read of some of their stuff. They talk about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which signify the end of a marriage. Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. We have all of those things in spades. If we want our relationship to last we need to find a way for me to air grievances without him getting defensive, and without resorting to contemptuous remarks and stonewalling.

It’s not easy but with practice I think it could be our salvation! He’s agreed to a “State of the Union” chat regularly to discuss how we’re both feeling and to listen to each other without defensiveness.

When I first sent him the link he got defensive and said he didn’t want to be “ fixed” but when I said it’s not about him, it’s about us, that we have some issues with communication that are perpetual and need to be handled better, he was ok with it.

Sorry that was long and waffly but hopefully something useful in amongst it all?!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 02-Jun-20 21:04:41

Carlywurly, I also get the “why are you shouting” when I so much as raise my voice in frustration. (another Bingo!) which strangely makes it worse!

When you just can't move past issues and they keep coming back round, a little bit of your soul dies every time you have the same row.

Totally agree with this. He doesn’t get why I’m so upset by it, but it’s cumulative, it’s not just about this one thing, it’s about the fact that we’ve had the exact same argument 50 times!!

anyoldname76 Tue 02-Jun-20 21:07:16

We don't, the point of a row to me is to air any grievances, once it's calmed down and we've apologised, that's it. I don't see the point in dragging it on. We used to row a lot but now it's rare, which I'm glad about

BrandyandBabycham Tue 02-Jun-20 21:30:58

Not entirely sure it’s abusive as we do ( eventually) talk about it. A pp asked what we argue about. We don’t actually argue as such very often. It’s more lack of communication & therefore confusion!

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