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Withholding sex

(50 Posts)
MrsPinkLady Mon 01-Jun-20 22:08:07

That's my situation. Husband won't touch me - he says it's to punish me because I'm a bad wife. It's a special type of humiliation when a man you're involved with doesn't want to have sex with you. I've tried to seduce him but he just says 'I know what you are doing so stop it'. So I don't bother trying anymore because I just feel humiliated.

He doesn't want a divorce, when I tell him I'm unhappy and want to leave he says he doesn't want me to go and will make a nice small gesture such as making me a cup of tea or buying me a chocolate bar. And then he says he will have sex with me again when my behaviour improves. But he doesn't.

I feel so trapped and unfulfilled. Uncared for I suppose. And then I feel pathetic for feeling like this because we don't need sex and I don't know why I feel like I want it so much. I wish I could stop feeling that desire to have that closeness with someone. I've googled how to live and be happy with a celibate life but the feelings and desire for an intimate relationship keep coming back. Has anyone experienced similar and what did you do?

OP’s posts: |
Windyatthebeach Mon 01-Jun-20 22:11:11

He doesn't get to decide you aren't getting divorced.
Take control and file tomorrow.

This isn't a life op.
It's abuse..

Coffeecak3 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:13:48

Divorce him.
Have a fabulous life with someone who cares about you.

NoMoreDickheads Mon 01-Jun-20 22:16:16

He's a controlling and abusive arsehole. Please find a way to separate from him. xxx

user1481840227 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:16:41

And then I feel pathetic for feeling like this because we don't need sex and I don't know why I feel like I want it so much. I wish I could stop feeling that desire to have that closeness with someone

Sex is a need for a lot of people and a natural desire...however that's not what is going on are being abused. You now want sex and desire to be close to him because he is telling you that you don't deserve it, if he had sex with you you would feel like you had pleased him and were worthy of it.

Your husband is a particularly cruel kind of abuser..and make no mistake OP, this 100% is abuse.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:18:48

Run like hell.

JammingTomorrow Mon 01-Jun-20 22:18:51

This sounds very similar to a thread started a few days ago that went on for pages ...

Sparklfairy Mon 01-Jun-20 22:19:25

And then he says he will have sex with me again when my behaviour improves.

You don't need to jump through hoops to get sex. You're not a performing seal that has to 'earn' sex.

He's managed to turn sex into a reward that you desperately crave. If you truly wanted the act of sex without the cloud of abuse affecting your judgement, I can guarantee you would not want sex with him.

GoldenBlue Mon 01-Jun-20 22:19:45

It feels humiliating because that's exactly how he wants you to feel.

No one should have sex if they don't want to, but there is no way I would accept a celibate life as a punishment.

What a knob

Leave for someone who will be as keen to be intimate with you as you are keen to be with them

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 01-Jun-20 22:22:37

It’s not up to him whether or not you divorce. You know life could be much better without him.

Anothernick Mon 01-Jun-20 22:23:10

Your situation sounds like something out of the 16th century, a "bad wife" indeed, what utter b*llocks. You should not take this crap a moment longer.

PussInBin20 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:24:41

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you so rubbish? Would it really make you feel “cared for”?

category12 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:25:16

You don't need his permission to divorce.

And why are you bought off by a bar of chocolate or cup of tea? Your self-esteem must be through the floor.

Do yourself a favour and get a divorce started.

OhioOhioOhio Mon 01-Jun-20 22:26:03

Get rid.

JWrecks Mon 01-Jun-20 22:26:46

He's a horrible person.

MyBlueMoonbeam Mon 01-Jun-20 22:29:02

Shocking behaviour OP - get a solicitor for divorce proceedings asap 💐

IveGotFrills Mon 01-Jun-20 22:30:56

There's bound to be dirt on him you can dig up. No man who treats his wife like that is squeaky clean. Get the upper hand op.

FeelinFagin Mon 01-Jun-20 22:45:14

If my husband told me I was being punished because my behaviour is bad I would spit my tea out in his face laughing.

Unless it's kinky shit I have no desire to listen to any man tell me I'm not behaving well.

This Wanker needs divorcing. Divorces don't have to be by mutual agreement. He doesn't get a say in it.

And as for wanting sex, get the rabbit out and have at it! Who needs a rude, obnoxious, condescending bastard like your husband for sexual release?!

LizzieMacQueen Mon 01-Jun-20 22:49:03

What does he say is your bad behaviour?

SleepingStandingUp Mon 01-Jun-20 22:49:15

Op just leave.

He wins you over with a cup of tea and a chocolate bar but tells you you're a bad wife who he won't have sex with?

What exact is it you're meant to have done?


MilleniumHallsWalledGarden Mon 01-Jun-20 22:57:11

You're an adult. He has no authority over you. Tell him to stick his punishment up his arse and divorce the prick.

Blahblahblahzz Mon 01-Jun-20 23:01:05

What’s your financial situation? Do you need to live with him? If yes and you’re worried about that, be open about it here. Lots of women can offer really constructive ways forward.

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 01-Jun-20 23:04:05

Holy fucking shit. Sorry but this is atrocious. Have an affair then get rid. This is one of the ugliest things I've ever heard of. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Every second you spend with this cunt will strip your self esteem and your future. I don't care how old you are or whether you think no one will want you - it's not true.

Get. Out. Now.

MattBerrysHair Mon 01-Jun-20 23:07:45

This seems particularly sadistic, normal people don't pull this sort of crap. What sort of behaviour does he claim is 'bad' and worthy of punishment? It is unbelievably controlling.

You need to stop thinking badly of yourself for needing intimacy, it's a normal human drive. Your only problem is that you're willing to be treated this way in order to keep this relationship. You deserve respect and love and you won't ever get it from this man.

backseatcookers Mon 01-Jun-20 23:10:06

What. The. Fuck.

This man has warped your perception of what is acceptable and reasonable.

He is horribly abusive and he doesn't get to unilaterally decide if you get a divorce or not.

Please try to seek some advice from Women's Aid and a solicitor on how to proceed with a divorce when a partner is unwilling to accept it.

You poor thing, he's eroded your self esteem and I really hope you can leave and find happiness thanks

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