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I caught DH snooping on me...

(136 Posts)
39Suzy Mon 01-Jun-20 20:49:51

Well, this is a long one so apologies in advance.

DH for 6 years, together for 22 (yup) years. One DC aged 1.

He is an emotional abuser - i know this. He criticises everything i do, and everyone i know. He belittles me, treats me like shit, then apologises when I eventually lose it. As soon as I flip (and sometimes it can be days and days of 'you didn't put the iron back straight' or constantly leaving a toilet seat up deliberately deciding that actually, I put too many kidney beans in the chilli rendering it inedible), he laughs, says I have an anger problem, and puts all the blame on me.

He has been violent in the past, twice trying to strangle me - the last time about 3 years ago, the police were called and he was interviewed (nothing happenedas i wouldn'tgive a statementbut I know it's on record). The previous time was after my hen do - he accused me of sleeping with a colleague 12 years my junior, saw a photo on Facebook, came home from work and literally launched me across the room and pinned me against the wall by my neck. I managed to get him off me and ran. Each time he has sworn not to do it again.

He had counselling previously which works wonders but he has refused /lied about going in the last few years. Apparently, 'he can't help it'.

He is constantly accusing me of cheating- even last week (I literally go as far as our local shop 100m away without him at the moment) and for years has checked my phone and even threatened needing a paternity test all the way through pregnancy. I have confronted him before and once or twice he has admitted it and apologised. The irony is is that the week before we got married (and days after he tried to strangle me), i had a letter saying that he had been seeing someone. To be honest,i know it was someone he works with and dismissed it as a fib,someone that was just jealous but there was always a tiny doubt which he swore blind he was completelyinnocent. He has, when we have argued, told me that he has slept with prostitutes. I have no idea whether to believe it or not. He says later he just says it to hurt me.

So like I mentioned, he has periodically (i think) checked my phone... little questions like 'did you speak to anyone today' or 'have you heard of x lately' has led me to believe he has been logging into my accounts on and off (maybe more on than off). My last phone i had missed several messages inexplicably, as if someone had already read them so i didn't see any notifications. He put it down to a glitch whenever i asked him outright if he had read them. So... new phone arrives a few weeks ago, i always leave it around the house locked when i am off pottering or chasing the one year old (despite the accusations that it is always in my hand ). Over the weekend i had an inkling he had looked at it (phone moved and not on the same screen i had locked it on) so I Googled to see if you can get an app... and guess what, you bloody can. So i downloaded the app, and waited.....

Five times in 24 hours the CF has been on my phone snooping at messages and even who I called (and trust me,it's a dull list). And each time this app captures what he looked at, how long he spent, and even his ugly mugshot. I can't message friends about it as he reads every single message.

As far as I am concerned, I already knew this relationship was over. He is a nightmare to live with and it's just not fair on my baby. But how do I confront him?

My instinct is to wait at least a week or so and let the evidence build up then email it him at work and ask him to print it off (alongside divorce for unreasonable behaviour advice). No,i would not see the look on his face when he realises he has been caught out but actually, i think it would be the best option as otherwise he will just explode (can't do thatat work, he is front line emergency services).

And also, i want this resolving as amicably as possible- previously when I have suggested splitting he has threatened to take everything, even my baby off me (and says he has video evidence of me losingmy temper which I dont believe). My father passed away recently and he knows I will have an inheritance which he is already spending, but equally it has also given me the finances to set up on my own away from him.

Can I organise a petition for divorce without him agreeing to it? Can I force him to sell the house? Both are things previously he said he would refuse to do.

No idea where to start with it all...

OP’s posts: |
Susanna85 Mon 01-Jun-20 20:57:30

First things first - he is physically violent so you needs some reliable guidance on how to leave from a support organisation like women's aid. You and your child need to be safe above all else
Divorce papers etc can follow.

EggysMom Mon 01-Jun-20 21:02:27

As @Susanna85 said - Concentrate on getting you and the little one safely away from him. Paperwork can come later.

sunflowersandtulips50 Mon 01-Jun-20 21:05:58

I wouldnt worry about the divorce...if your getting inheritance and your OH isnt keen for a divorce ...good. Use your inheritance, get your self out of there with your baby and start divorce proceedings when you have no money left. Then he cant try and get what isnt there. Then start the process of divorce and selling the house...

Cambionome Mon 01-Jun-20 21:07:06

Speak to a good solicitor immediately - you need proper legal advice. You can and will get away from this horrible man. flowers

Hidingtonothing Mon 01-Jun-20 21:10:23

I fully agree with Susanna85 OP, please don't try to do this alone, you need support and advice from people experienced in DV. I know the main Women's Aid number can be hard to get through to but there will be a local service which may be less busy. Scroll down this link til you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and then enter your area, it will give you details of your local branch www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ they may not be 24 hours like the main line but should be easier to get through to when they are open.

I don't know what else to say tbh, the way you describe his behaviour and your relationship makes my blood run cold, you absolutely need to get far, far away from this man. I hope you can find a way but please be careful and do things safely flowers

Windyatthebeach Mon 01-Jun-20 21:12:55

Sadly this so the result of ignoring the red flags...
Op maybe add what you wished you had done earlier on in your relationship when he cheated /was physically abusive.
Write a timeline fr when you married and file for divorce..
In your shoes I would tell him after it's finalised that actually dc isn't his. Hopefully he will do you and your baby a favour and walk away.
Tied to him isn't going to be pleasant..
flowers

ConcentricCircles Mon 01-Jun-20 21:15:29

A long time ago I lived with a violent DH who strangled, beat and knifed me. Believe me, you don't confront him. Just don't.

Whilst he's at work over the next few days/weeks you:
Quietly get your documents together.
Pack a bag with clothes for you and baby.
Make sure you have money in that bag and also hidden elsewhere.Also make sure he cannot access that inheritance or any of your own money.
Start and sort another place to go to.

Then when you're ready, wait half an hour after he's set off for a work shift and walk out and on to your next life.

You do not need to confront him, show evidence, discuss, whatever. You leave first, make yourself safe. ...and get a bloody good solicitor.

39Suzy Mon 01-Jun-20 21:16:14

So do you think I shouldn't bother confronting him with what he has been doing?

OP’s posts: |
Tiredemma Mon 01-Jun-20 21:17:42

Are you posting on mnet via the phone? Will he see this?

Windyatthebeach Mon 01-Jun-20 21:17:54

I would be rather worried for your safety op.

As should you be as it is anyway..
He is seriously unhinged and dangerous..

LooselyTrue Mon 01-Jun-20 21:20:36

Why would you “want to see the look on his face”? It’s not oneupmanship confused.

If you are serious, the only thing to do to find out where you stand, is to see a solicitor.

Spillinteas Mon 01-Jun-20 21:21:59

What the point in confronting him - just go. You really do need to get out of this relationship, do it for your child.

Your lucky to be alive. Leave.

TwistyHair Mon 01-Jun-20 21:22:04

I would agree that you don’t confront him. If he has strangled you twice you are extremely high risk of more serious harm or even death. Once he realises he is about to lose everything, he might think ‘if I can’t have you, no one will’. Try to phone your local dv service and get their help to leave safely. It is the most high risk time for women and children. My post may sound dramatic but I have worked for many years on dv services. The advice is always to try to plan to leave without the perpetrator knowing.

1Wildheartsease Mon 01-Jun-20 21:22:11

The strangling thing is a particularly bad sign.

(All of his behaviour sounds unacceptable but this is really worrying and in other cases has led to fatal attacks.)

Don't confront him and do leave without telling him first. It matters to be safe - everything else can follow. PLease do get help.

TwistyHair Mon 01-Jun-20 21:22:32

Have you got a safety plan in place?

LooselyTrue Mon 01-Jun-20 21:22:42

or call Women’s Aid for advice on how to get away safely from this nut job.

saraclara Mon 01-Jun-20 21:26:15

Don't confront him with the evidence until you're safely out.

Embracelife Mon 01-Jun-20 21:27:08

You dont confront him.
You leave
You speak to a lawyer
You cut contact
You get his police record brought up
You arrange supervised contact only.
You know it was daft to go back to him
This time think of your baby

39Suzy Mon 01-Jun-20 21:30:55

Tiredemma

Are you posting on mnet via the phone? Will he see this?

He hasn't been checking browsing history as far as I can see so far on my app. He ain't that bright... plus today he was on my phone when I had popped upstairs for literally 10 minutes to put clothes away. I never leave it here now if I pop out.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Mon 01-Jun-20 21:32:19

Don't even consider confronting him because it wouldn't matter anyway, and he might become violent. You're lucky he hasn't killed you already. Get yourself and the baby out of there.

BlueBooby Mon 01-Jun-20 21:32:56

Op he sounds like a real threat and I would not confront him if I were you. At least not until you're far away from him and safe. And if he is tracking you, are you sure he can't see your posts here?

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 01-Jun-20 21:33:23

Get your inheritance into a trust he can't get hold of. Buy a burner PAYG phone. You also need a computer he doesn't know about. Take copies of all documents. Find somewhere to live he doesn't know about. Get evidence of abuse and a way to contact him that doesn't allow him to abuse you because if you just vanish with dc he will fuck you over.

He will try to screw your out of every penny and will go for full custody. Obviously you need a solicitor before you go anywhere. You need to find all your documents (passport etc) and store them somewhere safe - not in the house.

Try and prove something like DV or coercive control so you can get some kind of order to keep him away.

When you know he's out for a while (might not be a bad idea to put a tracker on his car so you can see where he is) get your stuff (and I mean everything you are entitled to, so book a mover if you have to) and move.

Then when you are SAFE send him the message. But ffs make sure he has no way of getting your address and you live somewhere physically quite safe - and buy cctv. The police love cctv and it's not that expensive.

39Suzy Mon 01-Jun-20 21:33:37

No, is that from the police?

The thing with WAid is that due to his position, he knows how they work, where the refuges are.. everything.

I could private rent but obviously at the moment not very easily.

OP’s posts: |
BlueBooby Mon 01-Jun-20 21:33:59

Sorry cross posted with you about mn. But do be careful, he sounds unhinged.

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