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Relationships

Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

209 replies

Hoodlihoodlihoo · 01/06/2020 20:02

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

  • career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments
  • sort finances


Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?
OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 01/06/2020 20:08

So it’s a stag do and a trip to his uncles wedding. Why can’t you all attend the wedding?

I don’t see a problem with him having a goal list and most of them being about him. It’s his list.

Can’t you agree to the days he wants out Aslong as you get some time out too?

Hoodlihoodlihoo · 01/06/2020 20:10

When we spoke about the wedding, he said he didn't think it would be wise for us to go as it would be too hot for the DCs at that time of year, amongst other reasons like cost etc. I wanted for us all to go.

I had no idea that he was intending on going alone though.

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 01/06/2020 20:11

With the wedding it should be all or none. He seems a bit laddish. And selfish. How is your relationship? Are you in love?

QueenoftheIceAge · 01/06/2020 20:18

Why don’t you write one too and get in first with asking him about various things on it? Some weekends away together, some stuff just for you, a family holiday. Talk to him about dates, make sure he knows he’s looking after the kids when you want some time. Then it can be balanced with some of what he wants too.

Hoodlihoodlihoo · 01/06/2020 20:31

There are so many things he wanted to do alone over the year that if I did want to do anything myself- I'd no doubt end up clashing with his dates.

Then he would sulk and make my life a misery if we didn't give in to his needs first. I should mention that one of these events falls on my birthday.

He always says "you can do what you want too!"

But this only works in theory because
A) he wouldn't allow it if it clashed with him.
B) If I did as much/went away as much as him, when would there be much time for couple/family time?

OP posts:
icansmellburningleaves · 01/06/2020 20:41

I wonder whether it’s a wish list of what he’d like to do. We all need to have a little dream. It doesn’t mean he’s expecting to actually do those things.

Crystalspider · 01/06/2020 20:43

I can see why your upset and it seems that he wants to plan most of these trips away independently from you while you take all responsibility of the kids, it's selfish to prioritise a stag do abroad when you could all have a family holiday. If he can't find the time with you, then maybe you and the kids could go away somewhere nice.

TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 20:43

Ah so he is a selfish bully boy.

You think you can ever be happy with him? I doubt it.

littlefishybigfishy · 01/06/2020 20:49

I think you are being unfair on your partner. I wouldn't have a problem with this plan and it wasn't meant for your eyes. It's an invasion of his privacy for you to read it. Alot of the plan is also very beneficial for you, he sounds like he is working on finances maybe to help afford for more opportunity such as a family holiday.

I think you should give him credit for the weekend away. If he always says 'you can do what you want too' maybe you should take him up on it. I dont think you should shoot him down for wanting to attend a stag do and a wedding. Would he be supportive of you going if it was the other way around? Do you have a relationship with the bride or groom?

It does sound like you need to communicate more about the sort of lifestyle you want to lead. Make a year plan together and discuss what you want to get out of it, with the mindset that you not argue or put him down, just discuss both of your needs. If you are worried about family time, incorporate it into the plan. I would be honest

' hi, I want to chat about planning. I came across your 2020 plan by accident and I have to say I am so grateful that you are working on lowering the mortgage payments and working to lose weight. I would have loved to create this plan with you to help you reach your goals. It has inspired me to create my own list, and I have realized that family and couple time is really important to me. Shall we make a list together so we can help each other towards our goals?

toomanyplants · 01/06/2020 20:58

Huge invasion of privacy!
If you'd stumbled upon actual tickets I'd be inclined to agree, but given the current situation I doubt he will be going anywhere anyway?
Akin to reading a diary that you've found.

amillionnamechangeslater000 · 01/06/2020 21:01

On the fence about the list but the BATTLE is bloody alarming.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 21:02

Are you married? He doesn't sound very commited

cosmicbabe · 01/06/2020 21:13

How did you 'find' this list?... If it's not something he's discussed with you I take it that it's private.

To be honest I would expect couples to have goals together they would like to achieve. Isn't that the point of being in a loving relationship?.... Even if some of those goals were independent of the relationship

fruitbrewhaha · 01/06/2020 21:24

You do need to bring it up with him.

It's tricky as it's list he has written rather than requests made to you, so perhaps he wasn't imagining doing all of them. Has he made any attempts to lose weight, do the DIY jobs or remortgage?

I'd be pissed off that he used cost as a reason you couldn't all go to Cyprus but he felt he could find the money for a stag do or golf trip neither of which are cheap.

And yes, the BATTLE comment is a very outmoded misogynistic view of marriage, 'er indoors, the ball and chain who stops me doing what I want. No, it's because you have young kids that life goes on hold for a bit.

Talk to him, ask him why his goals don't involve you?

cherrypiepie · 01/06/2020 21:27

I would be horrified he saw me as a battle to achieving his goals and that he sees you as a problem. Lots of the things on the list are positive changes that will make your life better. I think you need to re-evaluate. I can understand being annoyed at all the away trips but I would let my partner go. I want him to be happy whether that is spending time at home or away.

Artartart · 01/06/2020 21:34

Is it also an issue that you don't get any time or head space to work on goals for yourself op?

NoMoreDickheads · 01/06/2020 21:36

That would hurt me if I had an OH and he'd put 'BATTLE' (implicitly, with me) next to things.

I think he needs to learn to compromise, or maybe you both do.

A lot of people really value birthdays, and if you're one of those people it's maybe cheeky he hopes to do something away from the family on your birthday. If it were me though, I wouldn't mind so much if he made it up to me and did something the next day, or seemed nice in general, got a card and ideally a present.

Vodkacranberryplease · 01/06/2020 21:49

I think he's one foot out the door. He's had kids and decided he's not enjoying family life and wants to have his own life. I hear men say this all the time - they talk about all the things they can't do and really resent their wife and the situation they are in even though they love their dc. They aren't having fun any more, don't get to do what they want, hardly have sex lives and being with their mates on a 5 day stag do drinking and going to strippers and hookers and having a laugh just has more appeal. They often say the kids weren't planned and feel trapped. Going to Cyprus without wife and kids means going out and having fun too.

Up to you ether you want to live like that. You can pretend fucking off on lads shagging holidays is all good because gosh, you're cool and of course you trust him.

I know men and am not quite as trusting. Given that I've had men just like him hitting on me and giving me all that shit about how trapped they feel for years.

Some men arent like that and enjoy their families. If you sit down with him and his list and ask if he would prefer to just divorce so you can both be happy you'll soon find out which one he is. Call his bluff and don't act like you're trying to keep him. Just assume he prefers to be single and he will either backtrack and start talking properly or not.

But pretend you haven't seen it and end up in done shitty power struggle where you are the fun killer and drudge? Fuck that.

Vodkacranberryplease · 01/06/2020 21:56

I had a bf a bit like this for a while. No kids so when he brought up a lads holiday expecting me to kick off I didn't. I said 'you know what - that's a brilliant idea! I think I'll book a holiday to x (better place) with the girls for a couple of weeks (not a fucking soa holiday or anything 'safe')! His face when he wasn't the naughty boy getting one over on me 🙄😁. Suddenly all he could think of was me with my mates having a great time and having guys chatting us up all the time.

I meant it too - but he then decided he wasn't going to go.

But having kids puts you in a different position. It gives them ALL the power. They know you are not going to book a 5 day holiday with the girls where you go and cane it surrounded by hot guys. So they kind of have you over a barrel.

user1481840227 · 02/06/2020 03:29

Did he leave this out for you to find??
If he did it's very passive aggressive and a nasty thing to do.

If he didn't intend for you to find it then you know he has genuinely convinced himself that you're standing in the way of him having some fun and he's some kind of victim. As another poster said I think he has one foot out the door.

vikingwife · 02/06/2020 03:44

Without knowing more, my feeling is you sound quite critical & controlling. Writing down goals is a pretty innocuous exercise. Goals often are about self improvement, hence why perhaps the list seems to be ‘all about him’ ?

You admit there were some family-related goals on the list but not enough. It’s not like you found this list & it said “divorce” on it.

He is likely anticipating battles because you sound nit picky & controlling.

I could be wrong but get the vibe you are trying to control his thoughts? I would feel so suffocated & criticises if had written down my goals, partner found them & started at me because my goals were not good enough.

I can kind of understand why he would be wanting a holiday away from you, if this is how you react.

What are the relationship problems exactly ? I can’t see how dissecting his goals with a view to him changing his goals is going to have any positive outcome for your relationship.

AnyOldPrion · 02/06/2020 04:30

I would feel so suffocated & criticises if had written down my goals, partner found them & started at me because my goals were not good enough.

Is it that they’re not good enough? Or is it that they will have a significant negative effect on his wife which he has apparently considered, but only in terms of how he’s going to get his own way?

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e1y1 · 02/06/2020 04:47

He's writing like he's a single man.

Question is, do you want to grant his wish and make him one?

rvby · 02/06/2020 04:51

You say you don't do your own thing because then there's no family/couple time...

Might it be time to take stock of your marriage op? From what you describe, he doesn't prioritize family or couple time. You sacrificing your own goals, trips, etc isn't going to make up for that, you realise that dont you?

Being sad and upset about it won't change the fact that your marriage isn't one of those that includes an engaged, warm family man. So accept the marriage, and start taking better care of yourself.

You may find that if you start getting out of the way and just focusing on yourself instead of trying to make him a different person, he may suddenly realize hes not the centre of the universe for you. And he might reinvest in you and the DC.

I strongly recommend you read a book with a very stupid title, "Why Men Love Bitches". It has a lot of total crap in it... but also an awful lot of straight talk that I think youd benefit from.

TehBewilderness · 02/06/2020 04:52

If my partners goals for the year were to go places and do things without me or his immediate family I would think my marriage was in deep trouble because my husband views me as a house mate who interferes with his recreational activities instead of finding activities you can do like the single parent that you are.

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