Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
At a loss!(46 Posts)
I'm hoping someone can shed some on this because I'm unsure what to do. I dont even know how I feel. Sat here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
So, me and my OH have been together since October last year things were OK I met him while he was living with a friend. His ex and kids kept the house they shared. February this year, his friend said he couldn't stay there anymore, it just wasn't working out. He had nowhere else to go, living with me wasn't an option as too soon and there's kids involved on both sides so he decides to move back in with the ex and kids. Friends basis, there for the kids. We had a short break, things on both sides we needed to deal with. After a time we loved and missed eachother that much that we got back together. He hated not being with me.
I trust him when he says that he's not interested in her in that way anymore, he was the one who ended the relationship beginning of 2019. So that's not the issue here. His ex knows about me, knows were together. She seems to be fine with it from what he's said.
Honestly, I'm feeling pushed out. I feel like I've been put in a box and he will only bring me out when he's got time for me. He says its all he can do at the moment as when his ex knows he's seeing me she gets funny about it. Fair enough, they've got kids together, he needs to be spending time with his kids. But this is at a risk of pushing me away. Which honestly at the minute, I dont think I need the stress of it.
I love him to bits, I really do and I'm happy were together, I just hate the situation we're in. We're both saving up so we can get a place of our own. Just at the minute I feel like absolute shit and its doing my fucking head in!
Anyone been here before? I don't know what to do 😢
Honestly end it until he moves out! Similar situation with my ex and he was still sleeping with her...
I know for a fact they're not sleeping together, that's not the issue here. He's in a separate bedroom.
Thanks for the reply
Far too complicated in my opinion, and you certainly aren't happy. I would end it.
I'm happy with him, its the situation we're in that's getting to me.
Separate rooms doesn’t mean they aren’t sleeping together. Sex with an ex can be an easy and comfortable Way to release tension.
I’d end it no way would I trust that situation.
He isn't emotionally available to you. You met him October and 4 months later he is back with his Ex.
Why do you think she knows about you? Have you met her?
I suspect he is telling you and his wife that it is "complicated". How old are you both?
It is best you stop this and wait until he is emotionally available.
He would walk away if he weren't happy with someone. He wouldn't cheat.
She’s not his ex, he’s told you separate rooms, that means nothing.
His ex is awkward if he sees you, that’s his excuse to keep you at arms length so the ‘ex’ doesn’t get wind, he’s probably back with her.
Because she messaged me on facebook royally kicking off trying to split us up, telling things about him. Things I already knew because he told me when we first got together. I'm 37 he's 44. They aren't married.
He says the ex his knows about you (assuming that you haven't meet her and been introduced as the new gf) and is fine with it, but also that she gets funny when he sees you. Total contradiction there.
And this knowing for 'a fact' they're not sleeping together and he's in a separate room - is this on just his say so? Or has she confirmed this? Have you've been round they're house and seen his separate room?
Call me a cynic, but I do assume that you're taking his word as gospel so correct me if I'm wrong.
I'd be wary of an adult man who could not organise somewhere to live of his own. His only two choices were his ex or his gf's - not his own flat or shared accommodation? What happened with his friend that he had to move out? Was he paying rent there or just out stayed his welcome?
Kicking off on fb does not sound like an ex who is 'fine with it'! So he's lying about that for a start.
Living with me while you're seeing her, i know we're
not together but you dont have to rub my nose in it.. that's what he gets he shows me the texts. If she kicked him out before we got our own place he would effectively be homeless which would then ruin the relationship he has with his kids
Ok, she came to terms that he moved on after she initially was told about me.
You know there are millions of other better men out there, bin him.
His ex knows about me, knows were together. She seems to be fine with it from what he's said.
Then you wrote...
Because she messaged me on facebook royally kicking off trying to split us up, telling things about him.
Which is it? I'm guessing "from what he's said" is a load of shite.
He told her about me, she kicked off then she eventually came round to the idea that he moved on and now he says she seems to be fine with it.
She's got him back, under her roof, of course she's fine with it now. She's holding all the power now.
He doesnt want to be with her, he wants to be with me and he's made that crystal clear to us both.
Theres no point telling me he's sleeping with her or telling me to leave him because he's not and I won't. I'll not walk away from someone I'm completely in love with.
Just looking for ways I can best deal with the situation I'm in
I do appreciate all your replies though.
I'm sorry op, but you keep contradicting yourself. You say, "He doesnt want to be with her, he wants to be with me and he's made that crystal clear to us both", but in your first post, you wrote...
Honestly, I'm feeling pushed out. I feel like I've been put in a box and he will only bring me out when he's got time for me. He says its all he can do at the moment as when his ex knows he's seeing me she gets funny about it. Fair enough, they've got kids together, he needs to be spending time with his kids. But this is at a risk of pushing me away.
I think his actions speak louder than his words. Saying what you want to hear isn't necessarily the truth.
So what do you want to happen?
You won't let him move in with you as too soon
He can't live with the friend
His house, his ex and kids are in, so has to live there.
You're sure they're not sleeping together so that's not even a discussion. He has to live somewhere. If youre not happy about it, either decide on what you would be happy with, and discuss with him, or split up.
He does want to be with me, but I'm feeling a little pushed out that we don't really spend any time together.
Since the lockdown restrictions eased a little bit and we were able to meet one person, weve been meeting every Sunday morning but its only been for an hour.
Everything you’re declaring is all based on he said
He pushes you out etc but you’re completely in love? aye ok 🙄
Who would be happy with their BF going to live back in the same house as his ex? Living with me wasn't an option as there's kids involved on both sides and its way too soon for us to be meeting eachothers.
What do I want to happen? I want him to spend a bit more time with me. Ive told him and he says he's doing all he can with the situation were in regarding living where he is and the lockdown.
Op you know this isn't a game and he isn't the prize???
He wants you both to hate each other and that is what you are doing. You feel the way you do because of him and his lack of support and actions. He is definitely still shagging her but he's made out a picture to you that she hates you and is crazy which she could be because of his mixed behaviour.
Men don't have to like or fancy who they stick their willy in especially if they already been there.
I wish you could fast forward and tell yourself this isn't worth it at all, because in time you will. Your allowing his drama to hurt you but blaming her.
My ex tried to get some other women involved and I could of easily had him back but I didn't because I'm not playing games. All my ex's label me as the worse but they all come back ALL!
Even my exH who took me to court with his dp saying I did this and that. Well a few months after they broke up he was trying it on blaming her for making him!
I just laughed 🤭
Op I'm telling you get out it's not worth it, it really isn't at all.
Please login first.