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need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it(227 Posts)
I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).
I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.
I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.
thanks for reading
He assaulted you. Report him to the police.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened - you must still feel in shock. I would report him to the police - that is absolutely assault. I would also separate straight away. This relationship is poisonous for you and your children.
Yes phone the police and they should arrest him, get the locks changed whilst he's gone. If you're not married and he isn't a named owner then he's entitled to nothing
thank you for reading and responding. I know and I appreciate what you're saying but I can't see that helping. my 8 year old would see them come to interview him and that would be it. I need to find away to move away from him. he'll never accept what he has done is wrong. It feels like such a hopeless situation. I just want to create a new home for my children where they don't have to be witness to our arguments.
unfortunately we own the house jointly so he has every right to live here and I can't make him leave.
He doesn't have to 'accept' what he did was wrong. He will be arrested by the police and you need to keep him out of the house. He is violent and abusive. It's far worse for your daughter to see him treating you like this. Sorry, I know this must be incredibly hard for you but I really think you need to get him out.
You have choices:
- Report him for assault and ask for him to be banned from the house. Force through sale with help from a lawyer.
- Ask for a mortgage holiday and get legal advise on forcing a sale of the house while you and dc move out and rent while awaiting sale.
- Move yourself and dc into rented accommodation and default on the mortgage. Fuck it- House vs happiness.
While you didder about wanting co-patenting arrangements and wanting to sort house ownership, he has you over a barrel. He's NEVER going to reasonable about this. Never! Stop vainly hoping the bastard will see the light and turn from class A wanker into Mr Reasonable. He'll cling on to his cushy life and accommodation for dear life. He doesn't care if that's hell for you and the dc! And it must be hell for your dc!
Take a deep breath, and take your dc and leave. Sort all the material shite out afterwards.
Report to the police, and while he is in custody, get a solicitor and file for a restraining or non molestation order. This will prevent him returning to the property. You can then mediate how to coparent in a secure environment, or via your solicitor. You do not need to leave the house. You can then determine a settlement around his contribution to the deposit if necessary and appropriate.
What's the point of him? If your kids are now both school age or thereabouts and you are the breadwinner why do you need him? Why do you care where he lives? People above have given you options. A call to the police will actually increase your options because it might make excluding him from the house easier. You really aren't trapped and certainly nowhere near as trapped as many sahm mums here who are financially dependent and still make the break. You can do it!
Your only option is reporting him to the police and telling them you do not feel safe having him back. If you leave you’ll open up a whole can of worms you really don’t want to open. He is the one who has violently assaulted you so it should be him who has to leave. It’ll be far far cheeper for him to rent a place for himself then for you to rent somewhere for you and the kids.
Trust me on this. I made the mistake of leaving the marital home because of domestic violence and it made things so much more difficult to resolve. It cost me thousands, where as if I’d had my XH removed as I should it would have been much easier.
It’s not fair to uproot your DC to live somewhere else just because their father can’t restrain his violent temper, and by seeing the police come to take you H away you’ll be setting your DC the example that violence is not acceptable and that they should never put up with it. That will be a message that stays far longer than any short term distress at seeing the police carting their dad away.
You need to be strong and mean business.
That involves reporting him for assault. Otherwise he’ll think he’s got away with it & unfortunately means he will do it again. Every time your child hears/witnesses this it damages them more.
He assaulted you in the street, with a lot of shouting too - that means there is a reasonably high chance of a witness.
You need to be honest with yourself here, as other posters have said - the fact that he has assaulted you could play in your favour, in terms of getting him out of the house.
It's easy for us strangers to make suggestions over the internet and of course we don't walk in your shoes. In real life, these decisions are very hard. But most people are telling you - some from personal experience - that it is right to stand up for yourself, and claim the protection of the legal system. No matter what you said, he did not have the right to assault you.
I'd worry more about what the 8yo will think about what is normal behaviour in a relationship, if this is allowed to go on.
If you want him gone you must report him to the police. If you're looking for leverage, this is it. Report the violent fucker and get him out. Then you get a solicitor.
Report him! Next time it could be worse.
Get legal advice and start divorce proceedings.
Report to police.
You are the breadwinner so you and the kids get to stay in the house.
You have to be strong.
You need to report this man today for his assault of you. He could very well end up putting you in hospital. If he can act like this towards you out of doors what could he be capable of behind closed doors?. Several women and children have been killed during this pandemic at the hands of violent men, do not potentially let your own self become a further such statistic.
Remaining with him now or at all is not an option for you or your children. He is volatile and will remain such, infact he has likely escalated his behaviour since this lockdown began as well because he is losing control.
Definitely report. As for your 8 year old, it will reinforce the message that what he did to you was not right and not accepted by you.
Report him to the police. What advice would you give to your daughter if she was in the position? You say it will upset your son to see him interviewed by the police - how upset would he be if he saw what he did to you?
You don't see this now, but reporting him to the police is one of the best examples you can set for your children. They need to know that physical and emotional abuse is wrong and will not be tolerated.
He assaulted you. You and dc are vulnerable and need to be safe. You can have him arrested as others have said. You can call womens aid for advice. Do you have friends and family irl you can call to sit with you. Hope you are safe at the moment. He is a common nasty weak little bully. Nothing more.
What sergeilavrov said, 100%. This is your chance OP, report the assault and use the legal processes that are in place to protect people in exactly your position. It's your best chance of getting him out so you can work out the best way to deal with the house etc without him being able to stall everything by refusing to discuss it.
Please take this opportunity, you may not get another for a long time and you can't go on like this. There is also the risk that, having now been physically abusive to you, this will escalate and he will attack you again. You can't risk that with kids in the house, seeing him interviewed by the police is nothing compared to the damage seeing or hearing him hurting you would do to them.
I know it's scary and feels like an over reaction but it really isn't, and it's your best chance of breaking this stalemate he has you under where you can't separate even though you want to
I agree with the possibility that it may escalate. And I'm sorry to say - I know your head will be all over the place - but I feel so sorry for children in this situation. They need to be protected from seeing him being violent and aggressive towards you. It must all seem impossible to deal with at the moment but you really need to get him out.
Agree with all the pp go to the police and hopefully one of the neighbours did see so they can be a witness.
Also call womens aid and a solicitor. Protect your children from witnessing this. This sort of toxic environment is not in their best interests or yours.
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