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Struggling with his ex wife

(66 Posts)
Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 08:56:55

Hi -I’ve namechanged for this one )

I have an amazing partner of 3 years - he is the love of my life and we have v happy relationship and are engaged.second time for both of us.

Big difference is that my ex was v clean break - we are civil and talk re the kids but that’s it . I really miss being part of that extended family . My ex has a new gf, who is really fab with the kids and they are all happy

My dp - ex still very much part of the extended family and they co parent quite closely. They had more of a mutual conscious uncoupling
Problems arise when I get jealous of her proximity and that she is quite controlling (I feel ) - she also hasn’t met anyone else

I can’t become part of the new extended family really because she is still v much in that role

Anyway - it rears its head in our relationship and I at a loss how to handle it - he’s a dad doing his best and does put in boundaries but the issues still arises

Any advice please? Thanks

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Niajade Mon 01-Jun-20 09:12:46

I am in a very similar situation, my OH’s ex is very much still in the daughter in law role and actually spends days off with his family and the Lo. I feel for you it’s hard isn’t it, my OH doesn’t understand why I have such an issue. I’m certain if it was the other way round he would see it so differently.

Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:18:16

Yeah she spends loads of time with the family

He has put in boundaries but she is always always pushing them , plus obv his kids love them all being together en famille

There is NO romantic interest - it just makes me so uncomfortable and then causes tension between he and I

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AllsortsofAwkward Mon 01-Jun-20 09:20:32

What happens at christmas op? After 3 years he needs to be putting you first.

Cloudyapples Mon 01-Jun-20 09:29:01

No he doesnt he needs to be putting his kids first and if that means their mum being part of the extended family so they can continue to coparent peacefully then so be it. It sounds like he and his ex have a good arrangement that works for them and the only issue is you and your jealousy - perhaps magnified by the fact you wish you could have kept the same relationship with your ex’s family.

Musti Mon 01-Jun-20 09:29:47

Why can't you become part of the extended family? If they get on well with her and obviously because of the kids then don't worry about their relationship. Just because a family member splits up with someone doesn't mean that you lose the feelings of friendship etc you have for them.

I am still very much friends with my ex's sister. We just get on very well and our kids like to spend time with each other. I hope that any future girlfriend my ex has won't mind.

But don't be scared of being part of the family and don't look at it as a competition. You have a great relationship and you're very happy together, that's the important thing.

BraveGoldie Mon 01-Jun-20 09:33:27

OP, it would help if you give some examples of the kinds of things happening that trigger you.... it would be easier to tell then if there is really a boundary problem or you simply have understandable, uncomfortable feelings that you need to resolve....

Niajade Mon 01-Jun-20 09:35:19

Yeh I have the same issue, I’ve even asked her to stop txting unless it concerns the LO because we will be out on a date night and she’s txting him pointless crap that has nothing to do with the LO. He’s told her she needs to stop, but then continues getting things for her. So frustrating.

Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:40:51

@Cloudyapples yes it is def envy as I would
Love to have That with my ex ! My split wasn’t mutual though so not sure it’ll ever be entirely amicable ..

Christmas and family events - he and his ex have a rule that the person who has the kids goes to the event

His family have also made me welcome but I suppose it’s always a bit awkward at big events like birthdays that we are both there . Me and dp find it most awkward. I wish I could just not mind but I do!

Should also say that a big part of it is that we live in different places due to our kids and the other parent so split our time between two houses , which adds to the complexity !

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Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:43:40

I just don’t want it to impact on my relationship but it just affects me

For eg she wrote on his mum Facebook page recently ‘happy birthday to the best mil ever ‘ hmm

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Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:44:55

Sorry - she wrote ‘to the best mil ever (still!)’

But then I still love my old mil heaps (and send her bday cards and we speak and sometimes have lunch etc )

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Niajade Mon 01-Jun-20 09:47:22

@sunnydays123456 I have the EXACT same. His sister writes on her pics, ‘stunning as usual, my brother was a fool to let u go’ wtf. His mum takes her out for meals and sends him the pics.

AllsortsofAwkward Mon 01-Jun-20 09:51:13

The kids come first of course but the exw doesnt need to at family gatherings at the expense of op. Marriages breakdown and those events you went together you tend to not attend anymore. Her do has moved on and been with op for 3 years she should be fully integrated into the family circle not sat on the side lines whilst the ex plays along as if they are still together. What happens if op has a child or gets married?

Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:57:25

Yes this is what causes the tension between me and dp

She is def seen as the important one because she has had the grandchildren

I mean , at a big family event she sat on top table with his kids and cousins and HIS parents while he and I sat on different table !

That was at start of our relationship tho

He and I literally can’t discuss it !

He has put in boundaries def since then but she’s almost taken his place in his own family too !

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Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:58:35

@Niajade OMG !!! Grrrrrr

His family have been welcoming to me - but I just wish she would back off a bit

She hasn’t met anyone else , that’s why really

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Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 10:02:07

Oh and to add - they have a v matriarchal family

And they had a v estranged and acrimonious Marriage

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AllsortsofAwkward Mon 01-Jun-20 10:03:08

She knows what shes doing an ineffect she pushing you're dp out to punish him. You're dp needs to address this with his parents.

Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 10:03:23

@Musti that’s exactly where I want to be !

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PerfectPenquins Mon 01-Jun-20 10:06:03

She really is just part of the family and they have a good relationship. Sounds like your not excluded so why dont you try and get on with her? It's good for the kids to see that even though mum and dad are not together the family is still full of love and it shows. I am very much included in my ex in laws lives and its lovely. I do have a partner so I dont know what that comments about. We will always be family due to the kids it does sound like you need to stop making it an issue. Shes another person at the gathering shes not doing anything so far that seems malicious at all.

Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 10:09:24

@PerfectPenquins no she’s not at all malicious and i know she’s really struggling with not having met anyone else (

I know all this but it sometimes just really triggers me because of my own insecurities ! Argh how to not let it !

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Niajade Mon 01-Jun-20 10:11:47

@Sunnydays123456 well my oh, ex has a boyfriend yet still feels the need to treat my OH like he’s still her boyfriend too. And my OH has almost been shunned by his own family for her also, they put her before him everytime. His mum treats her like a daughter and him like second class a lot of the time.

Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 10:14:37

OMG so weird !!! Why ??????

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Sunnydays123456 Mon 01-Jun-20 10:18:07

I mean this also happens to dp

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TooOldForThis67 Mon 01-Jun-20 10:19:46

Been there op. Dynamic didn't change until we had a child together and his kids got older. He is now an ex and I think the original upset and resentment never went completely away. Glad I'm out of it.

Niajade Mon 01-Jun-20 10:22:06

@Sunnydays123456 he’s even told his family how it’s made him feel, his mum doesn’t speak highly of his ex a lot of the time either which makes it that much more annoying. She will go for food with the ex, then call him to say how she’s odd at times and how she’s done this or that which she deems odd. Yet he’s shunned for her.

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