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Advice needed by a guy

(77 Posts)
tawaanchu Sun 31-May-20 17:07:23

Hi,

I am not sure if its a right platform to post but I needed an honest advice. I shall be very grateful for a response.

I'm a 21 -year-old guy. I am a virgin and I find it incredibly hard to talk to girls. I have had many female friends, even my closest friends have been women but when it comes to taking it to next level (dating), I don't know what to do. I have never had any girlfriend or even kissed a girl I used to like a girl very much, we were very good friends and when I told, she said that she considers me as her best friend. I respected it and we are still very good friends but now she has found a boyfriend. It makes me feel very down and sad. I genuinely loved her and think best of her but seeing her with someone else makes me feel very low and rejected.
It has been a miserable life so far and often I feel sexually frustrated. I have thought about many times of seeing an escort and getting the feel of sex. It just seems impossible for me to take my friendship with a girl to a relationship level. I have only asked girl out once (that I like her). I have many female friends but almost most of them see me as a good friend. I'm highly anxious that if I tell a girl that I like her, she would get offended and could lead to disastrous and awkward situations. I would say I am a popular and decent looking guy and if I talk to girls, they dont air or ignore me. I have taken out girls for dinner or even food but then we end up being friends. I am properly stuck in friend zone.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm in university and I see my friends enjoying, feeling loved by their girlfriends etc while me on the other hand don't enjoy the warmth and love of opposite gender. I feel incredibly nervous infront of girls that I really fancy which leads to quite awkward situations. I have only told one girl that I liked her (which was my best friend as abobe). I see my friends asking girls out in mins and next moment they start dating. While on other hand I'm still hanging around like an idiot and dont know how to flirt. My female friends consider me the nicest guy they have met but only I know how low it feels to be friend-zoned while they talk about their sexual experiences.

I have an extrovert nature with my friends (including normal female friends) and in order to act as a cool person, I lie that I am not a virgin and have slept with many women. But deep down I feel so frustrated and I think I will forever stay single. I am very tempted to see an escort and get a sexual experience as I am very sexually frustrated.

This has been affecting me a lot. Any advice will be really appreciated.

I am sorry if its not relevant to this forum

OP’s posts: |
SummerHouse Sun 31-May-20 17:14:10

Deffo don't go for an escort. You are young. Your whole life is ahead of you. Look forward to it and take it as it comes.

Annettebee Sun 31-May-20 17:19:45

Ask your female friends if they know anyone that they think would be a good match for you. Finding someone that likes you back will make it so much easier.
Read up on body language basics, that can help if you're not sure if someone's attracted to you.
Don't stress it will happen for you.

Anothernick Sun 31-May-20 17:33:36

40 years ago I was you. I was very nervous about asking a girl out as I was terrified of rejection. I was also afraid that I would not be able to perform, despite the fact that I masturbated almost daily and had been doing so since the age of 12. Eventually I had an affair with a much older work colleague and she introduced me to the joys of sex.

But if it's any consolation I have made up for lost time later in my life, I'm 61 now and have mind blowing sex with my DW at least once a week. As we have done for the past 30 years. So don't despair, you have time!

Isitsixoclockalready Sun 31-May-20 18:24:04

I know that it's a cliché but be yourself, relax (very important), don't overthink what you are doing and there is no need to make out that you've slept with loads of women. You've got female friends so chat to them and ask them for advice.

GingerBeverage Sun 31-May-20 18:25:56

I had a friend in this situation a couple of years ago (even though I'm far older we went to gigs together).

My best advice is to make yourself a rounded person with varied interests that aren't focused on meeting anyone. Book groups, pottery classes, team sports, art classes, poetry jams, kombucha tastings (!) etc etc. When you are confident and at ease with yourself alone, but open to relationships, then women should pick up on that.

My pal eventually moved back home to a rural area and at 24 shagged a local woman who later declined to be his girlfriend. But he got it over with, and grew. I could see why he took a while though, he was just extremely desperate and wouldn't read cues well. Oh and he was obsessed with himself and couldn't hold a conversation about anything other than himself grin (It was fine for gigs).

I mean Chris Martin from Coldplay was 22...

MeetMeInTheMiddle Sun 31-May-20 18:27:30

I would suggest online dating - it's the norm for young people to meet someone this way these days.

Lampan Sun 31-May-20 18:35:45

I agree with the poster above, give online dating a try. At least anyone you match with will hopefully view you as a potential romance rather than friendzone material.
Tinder etc is not just for hookups - write a bit in your bio about what you are hoping for (dating/relationship) and you will no doubt find some girls who are looking for the same thing.
Maybe also try to stop lying to your friends about your experience - if they are good friends they may work out you are exaggerating. If they think you have no problem meeting women then they may be less likely to introduce you to potential girlfriends.

tawaanchu Sun 31-May-20 18:44:11

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I have tried online dating and got some matches, but then it goes on to nowhere and conversation stops at some point. Online dating is much harder for guys. You need to be exceptionally good looking for it to go your way. Average guys don’t have much of a shot while girls have way too many options to choose from.

I understand that I’m young etc but it has been affecting me mentally. I see my friends meeting with someone and then instantly later they are having sex with each other. It all makes me look very weak and especially after my best friend whom I genuinely loved got a bf. I look at myself as a failure and rejected and I’m seriously considering seeing an escort just to experience sex. I don’t know anyone of my age around who is being virgin. It sucks to be me

OP’s posts: |
tawaanchu Sun 31-May-20 18:48:44

Also I go out with women for food or drinks but at the end of it, I end up not doing anything. I remember in a night club a good friend of mine came so close but I was so scared to kiss her. Even when I meet my female friends for food or walk them home, I have never thought about kissing them as I get worried of what may happen if they don’t reciprocate.

OP’s posts: |
sawollya Sun 31-May-20 18:53:00

You're only 21. Don't put pressure on yourself. work on being braver right now.

I'm doing that too, I'm old enough to be your mum but bravery is the solution to a lot of problems. Forget about being a v reg, so what, take yourself out of your comfort zone every week. or every day in a small way. A different route home. talk to somebody new, even if it's just 'hi' every day.
If you're happy in yourself you can deal with a rejection so maybe listen to nathaniel brandon's six pillars of self esteem to get you in to a good place where if one person rejects you, you will not take their 'no' as representing anything more than no thank you do a date.

RedRed9 Sun 31-May-20 18:56:03

good friend of mine came so close but I was so scared to kiss her. Even when I meet my female friends for food or walk them home, I have never thought about kissing them as I get worried of what may happen if they don’t reciprocate.

These are your friends not potential shag partners. Leave them as friends and value them for they they are. Ask their advice and ask them to help you find someone. But stop thinking of them as anything other than friends.

sawollya Sun 31-May-20 18:58:27

It sucks to be me

You MUST lose this mindset!

No. It doesn't suck to be you. You are young, you are healthy (!)
You have your whole life ahead of you. You're working on your self-esteem (right!?), you're working on your confidence and bravery.
You are 21 and nobody reasonable is expecting you to be your 'best self' yet.

With the girs you meet at clubs, you don't know them. Try looking around your real life and seeing if there's anybody you find easy to talk to.

MinteeFresh Sun 31-May-20 19:04:59

Please dont go to an escort. Its wrong and seedy and will affect how future girlfriends see you, please trust me. I cant stand men who use escorts and all my female friends (and most of mumsnet) agree.

Do you really want to look back on losing your virginity and it being some seedy encounter you had to pay for? Far better to wait a bit for a natural encounter imo. I am sure it wont be long, just relax and it will happen.

Beamur Sun 31-May-20 19:13:12

I think one of the biggest differences between success and failure at dating is the fear of rejection.
If you go on dates or out socially you almost need to be less invested in where this will go next/long term. Just go along, be nice, be good company but don't expect anything. Be willing to be bold and risk asking for another date if you want to see her again. Don't take it to heart if she declined.
Women are not intrinsically attracted to bad men, but self confidence and good esteem are very appealing characteristics.
You sound like a nice person, don't despair, be patient and keep looking.

Anothernick Sun 31-May-20 19:18:31

Do not take your friends stories of their conquests too literally. Many of them will be exaggerations at best and lies at worst. Especially if they are male friends.

Online dating is a good idea - I met my DW through an introduction agency, online dating not being available 30 years ago. I had a number of dates through agencies before I met her, some continued for a few months, others petered out quickly. You need to be persistent, you will probably need to date quite a few people before you find the right one.

Crystalspider Sun 31-May-20 19:19:06

I think you just need to come out of your comfort zone a bit, when you talk to a girl you fancy, tell her she's beautiful, compliment her, it's never going to go badly, on a date then hold her hand, look in her eyes when you talk and at the end of the night go in for a kiss, you do have to have some confidence and the more you practice the better it will come and the more girls will find this attractive.
No harm in telling your female friends that your in demand too, they will probably start to chase you.

billy1966 Sun 31-May-20 19:19:25

You sound like such a lovely guy, who is putting so much pressure on himself.

First off, don't hit on your girlfriends, leave them alone and keep them as buddies.

Use them for tips, advice and information though. Lovely to have great platonic friends.

As advised above, work on your interests, activities, socialisation.

Busy yourself with being very social.

Any hobbies and clubs, sports.

The more you have going on in your life, the less time for nerves you have.

Be interested in what women have to say.
Let them speak, be engaged.

If you focus on developing your sense of self and asking your pals do they know someone, combined with some OLD, I think you are going to get to where you want to be.

You sound like a great young man.

Beware of watching porn.
Too much porn is completely fxxing up young men and their perception of sex.

Doctors are seeing guys in their very late 20's who have huge sexual impotence problems from porn and "death grip" masturbation.

Don't be that guy.

Wishing you the very best.👍

LockdownLoopy Sun 31-May-20 19:21:52

As above posters have said, please do not use an escort, no matter how tempting - this will effect how future partners see you and could give you a skewed idea about what sex should be.

From what you’ve said, to me it seems like your problem is your confidence. You’ve really got to get to a point where you’re ok with being rejected, I say this because if you meet a girl you like, then you’re going to have to take the plunge and ask her out or make the first move With kissing etc. Girls do like a man to make the first move, you also need to make it known that you like them like THAT. How are you with flirting? That’s a big part of it.

DiscoInFurlough Sun 31-May-20 19:22:28

With online dating...
The trick is to look for the more down to earth girls, girl next door types, not the really stuck up ones plastered in thick layers of make-up and filters. Those girls are just looking for an ego boost and youll have lots of competition from equally vain men.

Concentrate on the more friendly and approachable 'normal' ones. And be friendly and approachable back, but a bit mysterious and not too over-the-top interested. Girls can smell desperate and it doesnt smell good.

But ultimately you are still very young.
Lose your V plates to someone you fancy, not someone you paid for, itll be a memory that lasts a lifetime.

Crystal87 Sun 31-May-20 19:34:11

You're still so young. Honestly you have nothing to worry about. My DP didn't sleep with or kiss anyone till he was 24. He's now 29 and he's amazing in and out of bed. I will say though that if there is someone you like to just go for it. There's times you'll be rejected but that's life and you'll never get anywhere if you don't try.

chubbyhotchoc Sun 31-May-20 19:37:27

I think you need to test the waters away from immediate friends until you build your confidence up. So when lockdown lifts go to bars etc and approach girls there. Ask her name, offer to buy a drink, if all goes well ask for her number. If you get rejected don't worry about it. The other thing you can do is things like speed dating and singles nights. Online dating is an option too but treat it as a numbers game. Send a message, mentioning something in her profile. Ask her a couple of questions about herself ( nothing that she's already written). If you get a reply, go straight in and ask her for her number and if she would like to go for a drink. Don't mess about with lots of messages. Do this with lots of girls you like and you should get at least some takers. You can stand out from the crowd by being forthright. Most men just want to message all day long. Once on the date be polite and look after her. Kissing is not expected on a first meet. If you get a second date you can test the waters by touching her in the small of her back ( not her ass!) as you go through a door or similar. If she allows this then you could try touching her hand. The point is to try and break the touch barrier in a non threatening and not overtly sexual way and then you've got a good idea if she would be responsive to a kiss. You need to put sex out of your mind as much as possible otherwise you're going to scare women off. No escorts otherwise you'll have a very skewed view of what women want in bed. Not to mention the fact it's morally dubious

Gobbycop Sun 31-May-20 20:12:48

Confidence my good man, confidence and a sense of humour.

I hit the gym after I left school, I'm not saying that's the only way and woman only like well built guys. But for me it gave me confidence, i liked the way I looked and I think women (not all) picked up on it.

Don't worry, it'll happen 👍🏻

tawaanchu Sun 31-May-20 22:28:15

Thank you so much everyone! I can’t thank you all enough. I have been feeling so down lately. Literally everyone around me is having friends with benefits, hooking up while I am so anxious to approach anyone. For eg if I fancy a girl in my society or uni, even if she talks to me and we get on well, I will refuse to initiate it to next level thinking that it will make me look bad/weirdo/creep and ultimately destroying my reputation among people. On other hand my friend meet up with someone and following night they are having sex together.

I have only asked one girl out and that was my close friend. She rejected me saying that she considered me as her best friend. I was madly in love with her for over 2 years, really obsessed with her. We are still very good friends, I’m even a good friend of her boyfriend but it just makes me feel so low and I literally cry sometimes on my situation.

I don’t know why I have been like this. Maybe because I have always been close to my mother and sisters, most of my friends in school and uni are women and have always been with impression of seeing women as friends just like my guy. Whenever I feel thinking about taking it to next level, I just don’t want to look like a creep or a bad guy about whom girls get cringed or creeped out. I am also quite popular, I have many friends and if a girl rejects me, I have a phobia that my entire reputation will go down. I will not be able comfortable to see them around again. That is perhaps I don’t tend to slide into dms or private messages of girl while I see my friends getting straight into messaging about sex to girls. I am horrible at flirting, I genuinely dont even know what constitutes flirting. That’s why I need a change otherwise i feel I will be single forever sad

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Sun 31-May-20 22:53:32

Corey Wayne (I think he's at the decent end of the pick up scene).

Like a lot of them, he does paid coaching but I wouldn't get into that, just watch his vids and see if they help.

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