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My ex still wants to be friends after we broke up but he doesn’t know that I cheated.

(6 Posts)
Elephant1995 Sun 31-May-20 15:35:08

Me and my ex got together when we were 16 and he was my first everything romantically and sexually. We were together in a LDR for two years and I felt unhappy and insecure as I always felt he was more attracted to other women. I was afraid I was missing out on the rest of the world as I was only 18 and hadnt experienced any other relationship or man. When I went to university I kissed another man and told my boyfriend on that night. He forgave me and we stayed together for another year but I was still very unhappy in the relationship and felt unfulfilled. We broke up officially after 3 years of being together. This break up only lasted three months. I was seeing another man in this time and he made me feel amazing and good about myself unlike my ex. My ex eventually won me back and we got back together, but from then on the relationship went back to its previous form and I was still unhappy and now has something else to compare it to which made me know that I can be happier than I was. A week after we got back together I saw the other man on a night out and kissed him. From this immaturely and selfishly I brushed it to the side and convinced myself that if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t have “gotten it out my system” and I could finally be happy with my boyfriend instead of always looking over my shoulder. 6 months into being back together I saw the other man again on a night out and we kissed again. From this point I broke up with my boyfriend as I knew that I was unhappy and this would keep happening. I was 20 when we broke up which was last year. I have learnt a lot about myself and realised I am very insecure and was too immature to be in a committed relationship. Now my ex and I are on very good terms, and he still considers me his good friend. I am wracked up with guilt that he doesn’t know, but I know if I told him it would just unnecessarily hurt him. What should I do in this situation, as long as I’m friends with him I am wracked up with guilt. I still can’t forgive myself for how I acted in the relationship when I should have just left after the first time. But we aren’t together anymore and both know we are never getting back together. I’m just lost and feel like a piece of shit.

OP’s posts: |
notthemum Sun 31-May-20 15:51:48

You are not together, you are not going to get back together. If you told him he would be very hurt. He wants to be friends. If you want to be friends then keep quiet. It's in the past. There is nothing to be gained by saying anything. If you are not bothered about being friends or upsetting him then go for it if you think that will make you feel better. Either way you have to make the decision and once it is made it's done. Move on. Remember that you moved on originally because you were unhappy. Well done for recognising this. Life is too short to be with someone who does not thrill you and make you happy. Good luck.

Elephant1995 Sun 31-May-20 16:24:25

Thank you for your response and your advice!! I suppose I just don’t think I can forgive myself and move past it as long as I know he thinks that I was a near perfect girlfriend (excluding the first time I cheated and told him). I continue to feel guilty and it’s been a year since we broke up, it makes me physically sick sometimes when I think about I hurt him. I don’t know how to move past from this whilst he still sees me in this light. So in my head if I tell him yes he’ll be hurt but then he can hate me which is what I think I deserve, but then that hurts him more. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

OP’s posts: |
mooching Sun 31-May-20 17:09:02

Forgive yourself and move on. Put it down to the insecurity and immaturity that you now recognise and the fact that you were young, inexperienced and naive. How do you manage to forgive yourself? By making sure you don't ever cheat again. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

SavannahCat Mon 01-Jun-20 12:15:33

Hi OP. Please please please don't put yourself through this guilt and worry for a minute longer. Keep telling yourself I'm young, I'm human, I'm going to mess up sometimes, I'm still getting to know myself, I'm normal! X

MingeofDeath Mon 01-Jun-20 12:20:02

Don't have an attack of guilt, it will cause him unnecessary pain and you won't really gain anything from telling him. Just forget about it.

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