My life's a nightmare, and I can see no way out!

[TwocanToucan]

Have NC for this.
Dh and I have been married for over 30yrs. I fell head over heels in love with him from the moment we met.

After about 8yrs he stopped smoking, but began to drink. We both enjoyed wine, but his drinking became heavier over the years until he was drinking between 2 and 3 bottles of wine each night. Our relationship has suffered on and off over the years due to his drinking.
In the early days he would apologise for his behaviour and make promises, that I think I believed because I wanted to.
Then roughly 9yrs ago he switched from wine to Vodka. He doesn't drink openly, but hides his bottles, and drinks in secret. He's done this for years.

It's now got to the point where he becomes verbally abusive towards me when drunk. He blames me for his drinking, and puts me at the top of the list of people he'd like to get rid of.
I stay out of his way as much as possible when he drinks to excess, usually 3 to 4 times a week, although he does drink daily. He has managed to hold on to his job, but if he continues along this path who knows?

We have debts that need to be cleared, mostly his but some are mine on credit cards. They will take me a few years to clear, which I am in the process of doing atm.
Until these are paid I can't afford to leave, and he won't. I have no one I can turn to or talk to about this, and am living my life practically in tears most days.

If there is anyone who is, or has been in a similar position it would be good to hear from you.
I'm really sorry this is so long. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here, but it's been good just offloading some of my feelings.

[Wolfiefan]

I’m so sorry OP. Do you have any RL support? Al Anon support families of alcoholics.
My father was an alcoholic and it took years for my mum to leave him. She got far away and is now living her life happily without him.
Good luck OP.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is no life for you at all.

It’s not your fault he is like he is, you did not make him that way.

Have you contacted Stepchange re the amount owed, you should not be trapped by debt. I would also seek legal advice ASAP re divorce, the financials are themselves not insurmountable here. Abusive men more often than not refuse to leave, take some power back yourself and seek advice as to getting him out of your life.

Do speak with al-anon also as already advised.

[HollowTalk]

Do you have children together? If so, how old are they?

Do you rent or have you got a mortgage?

Do you work?

It's very hard to pay off debt when someone's spending such a lot of money on alcohol. You would find it such a relief to be separated from him - both emotionally and financially.

[TwocanToucan]

Thank you for your replies.
Yes we are in touch with Step change, they are in the process of setting up a joint debt plan. Should I contact them again re a personalised plan for myself? I would worry though that the banks will become impatient and restart interest and monthly payments. It is taking longer than usual to set up the plan, without me halting the process, and starting from scratch again.

Yes we have adult children, who know a little of what's going on. I feel I can't talk about this with them, it just doesn't seem fair on them.

We have a small mortgage left to pay, another couple of years, and yes I do work. It's only a part time job as I have other obligations I'd rather not go into atm.

Thank you for the advice on contacting al-anon. I'll do that tomorrow as he returns to work in the morning. It hasn't been the best with us both not working since the end of March, and it has allowed him to drink more than usual.

[Pumpkin108]

So sorry for what you’re going through OP. I’m not married to an alcoholic but my father is and my mum put up with so much from him but sadly never had the courage to leave him. I suffered years and years of abuse from my dad and was constantly stressed living with him and broken from the emotional and verbal abuse, lies and secrets. My life was hell. In my experience, it is very unlikely they change ... my dad was offered lots of help but ultimately gave up. Like others have said it’s no life and will wear you down over the years. Please get some support - do you have any other family members who can help?

[Bluntness100]

Op I suspect your children know full well their father is an alcoholic. There is little you can do if he’s not reached a position of wishing to deal with it. Contacting al anon will help support you but only you can decide if you can continue to live with him.

[GilbertMarkham]

Do you not have any equity in your house (presuming you own)?

Wouldn't any joint debts come out of any joint assets in a divorce?

Unless he had significantly more debts than you and it would be very unfair, could you just divorce and do the above .. have you spoken to a solicitor about the financial side?

[GilbertMarkham]

We have a small mortgage left to pay,/

Sorry, have just seen this.

That suggests you gave equity .. so couldn't the debts be paid out of it rather than staying and trying to pay them off slowly?

[GilbertMarkham]

It's less equity for you to put towards your next home but ..... It's all.sixes.

[GilbertMarkham]

Have you looked into what you could get with your possible share of equity, salary, any UC etc., and a small mortgage/loan if you're still working for a while?

[TwocanToucan]

Pumpkin108 so sorry to hear your story

I think with the amount we owe jointly ( his debts are far greater than mine) there wouldn't be enough left after selling the house for us each to buy separately.
My part time job doesn't pay that well either, and being the age I am, don't think I'd get a mortgage.

I know I've been so stupid, believing he would change for the good of our marriage. I now realise that his drinking is a third member in this marriage.
I just feel trapped.

[FromRockBottom]

Em , I don't know if this is helpful but...

I have an ex , we were together over ten years and he is a really, really nice guy. He was there for me, he took care for me, he loved me. But he drank every single night that he didn't have work the next day , Probably on average a bottle of red wine and 8 beers a night, sometimes more but this was average. Never when he had to drive the next morning but every night that he could.

We didn't have a weekend or a celebration or a day off that he hadn't drank before. Never.

He wasn't violent when he was drunk.
He wasn't obnoxious or mean or nasty.
He acted daft , which annoyed me but there was no abusive behaviour. None.

And this was the reason I left the relationship and is the reason I would never go back. The split ended up being mutual but I couldn't live like that. So to live with what you are living with sounds incredibly stressful .. I would get out as soon as you can , in your terms, but as soon as you can. You can't live like that. The verbal abuse, the stress.....