Was I Wrong To Say This?

[IggattyZiggattyZoom]

I have been with my husband of 14 years, the past year I feel has been strained. He is always over-reactive to situations, he never admits that he’s wrong and generally lacks empathy. My daughter who is 4 was playing up this evening, she was very tired after a day of fun in the garden and I was tired, my husband tried to say it’s my fault because I let her get away with too much, this simply was not the case and it wasn’t a matter of me letting her get away with anything, she was tired. I said to my husband that I’d appreciate it if he took her to bed now, (we take it in turns to do this) he then said “I might just keep her up an extra 15 minutes, like you did last weekend!” This provoked a reaction from me and I said “That’s a bit mean!” He then said “I don’t care what you think, you know I don’t!” I then said that shows a lack of respect! Followed by, “Why couldn’t you have just said ok, I’ll take her to bed, why did you have to say that, was it to get a reaction from me, that has upset me!” He then proceeded to say “Well you’re not crying, are you?”, I stated that I didn’t have to cry to be upset. I said if you have such a lack of respect for me, you’re capable of doing anything to me, being dishonest, disloyal etc! He said I took things too far and said “Our marriage is over!”. Now, I wouldn’t normally mind but he says certain things to me to get a reaction, I’m normally a placid person and don’t react but the way he completely dismissed me and tried to be mean, upset me. He isn’t a very empathetic person and doesn’t understand why people feel a certain way most of the time.
Am I wrong to be upset by what he said and was I wrong to say that a lack of respect shows he’s capable of doing anything to me.

[GiveMeStrengthOrAHobby]

I dont think you were wrong op. Has he always been like this or is it a new thing? Stir crazy cos of covid for example?

[Annettebee]

He sounds like he resents you, ask him why?

[ThePathToHealing]

It sounds like he only thinks he has 'won' if you are crying. Does everything with him feel like a battle? Like someone has to have the upper hand?

I would be upset. He seems to be deliberately trying to upset you.

[Sugartitss]

Sound like you were all tired op

[Bluntness100]

Sounds like you’re a pair of drama queens, sorry op, but you’re both at it.

[IggattyZiggattyZoom]

Yes he has always been like this, won’t admit he’s wrong and will turn things around on me to look like I’m always in the wrong. He isn’t an empathetic person at all, which is hard because I am. He also takes things that I say as critical, when they’re not and often I’ve found myself treading on eggshells because I’m not sure how he’ll take what I’ve said. Saying he blantantly doesn’t care what I think, upsets me, it’s disrespectful in my opinion.

[IggattyZiggattyZoom]

@Annettebee - He has nothing to resent me for though.

[IggattyZiggattyZoom]

@Bluntness100 - I wasn’t being a drama queen, he said something to provoke me and when I said it was mean, he said he didn’t care what i thought, it was said out of malice for whatever reason for the intention to cause upset.

[copycopypaste]

I can't stand people who threaten the relationship to hurt the other person, to me it's one of the worst things you can say to someone.

In your shoes I'd pack him a bag, when he's finished with the bedtime routine I'd hand it to him and tell him as he's saying the relationship is over he can go and stay with his family/friends.

[Elieza]

I agree with copy copy.

He called it.

Perhaps this will teach him to be more careful about what he says.

Do you live this man? Or has life just become the way it is and it’s safe and convenient and habit?

Do you want to stay married?

[Ladyloose]

If my DH told me i’d be capable of being dishonest in the future that would make me very angry. So how are you entitled to say that in a heat of the moment situation?

Op maybe your DH was just wanting to finish things because it suited you.

I agree as above, both tired and drama queens.

[MMmomDD]

Does sound like both of you are tired - and possibly been in a lockdown for too long.
Both were unreasonable.

He with his dismissal and threats. You with your over dramatisation.
You were both wrong to say what you said.

Generally - OP - no one likes to be told what to do. If it was his turn to be on bed duty - then he does get to decide the specific moment when to take her. As he is the parent. And instead of ‘telling him you’d appreciate him doing something’ - you should have said something less like an instruction.
And if he wanted to keep her up longer - I’d have just walked somewhere else and left him with the tired child. It would have made it less confrontational in these trying times.

[IggattyZiggattyZoom]

I wasn’t telling him what to do, I said I’d appreciate it if you took her to bed and previously it’s never been a problem me saying that. He said “I might just take her to bed 15 minutes later, like you did last week” to be spiteful, I said it was mean because there was no need for that comment and him saying, “You know I don’t care, what you think!” regarding me saying him being mean, that in itself is disrespectful.

[Passthesandwich]

“Was i wrong to say this”

Yes! For the bit about honesty. You diminished trust within the Relationship right there. He may rub you up the wrong way but i’m sure you both do it to each other at some point or another. How has everything been leading up till this evening? Was it a threat or did he say thats it and have expectations?

[C0RA]

What do you mean when you say he’s not an empathetic person ? Is that another way of saying that he says nasty things to you all the time ?