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Am i bad, a bitch and totally stupid for doing this?

(118 Posts)
HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 12:03:40

I have been with Jamie for 9 years, we have 3 kids, we are not married!

For years i have been chatting to male friends online...and since april i have become particularly close to this guy from southampton, i am in portsmouth, i hvent met him yet but i feel a very strong connection to him ..hes sexy funny and caring...i really fancy him, i know its wrong...i love jamie and everything, but i cant help flirting with this guy... he wants us to meet and he says he has fallen for me ( can u fall for someone u never met?) i have strong feelings for him too but i feel silly saying it coz u will all probably say '''how can u if u have never met?'''

I am a sahm so all i do all day ( while baby sleeps) is chat to him... i have been so bad as to let him have my number...we hardly text but we did in the beginning...

Jamie knows i chat to him and has seen some convos we have had ( forgot to delete them) he hates it and says why am i doing it?

well i dunno, it started off as boredom to pass the time but now i have got to know this guy and i cant go theu a day without chattin to him.. he makes me feel good!

I am after constructive crtitism and advice.. idont care if ur harsh.. maybe its the kick up the ass i need!

Was wondering if anyone has been in similar situations sad

mytwopenceworth Fri 21-Sep-07 12:07:50

Sounds to me that you are hooked on the thrill. You must know how damaging this is to your relationship.

What do you want? Do you want to leave Jamie? Or do you want Jamie to pay the attention to you that this other guy is? By being so open about it, you are almost challenging Jamie with it.

Sounds like escapism to me, but you run the risk of losing everything.

And tell me, what would you feel if Jamie was flirting online daily with another woman, and didn't care if you saw? Just imagine opening a file and reading flirty sexual chats....

It is disrespectful, and hurtful.

bohemianbint Fri 21-Sep-07 12:10:40

I don't think you're bad, and if you feel a bit bored and fed up at home a bit of flirting with some exciting bloke you've never met can seem like good idea.

The only thing to bear in mind is that internet relationships are a funny thing - I wrote an article about it a few years back and durign the course of my research I got a bit sucked into it myself.

What I will say is that it's really easy to idealise someone from what they present to you in emails/texts etc, and if you meet in real life you might find yourself overlooking things that would normally put you right off a bloke, just because you get so attached the idea that you build up of this person, as opposed to the reality.

It is addictive but not always real. If you love Jamie and your kids you just need to focus on those relationships, its really easy to get in a rut, but think how you'd feel if he was doing the same thing to you?

Can you not try and get addicted to Mumsnet instead? wink

choosyfloosy Fri 21-Sep-07 12:13:58

Not a good situation.

If your partner hates it - and why wouldn't he - then you need to break it off. You're an adult - of course you can - it will be a bit tough for a while, that's all.

Are you punishing your partner for something? I note that you put right at the top of your message that you are not married. Would you like to be and resent Jamie for it, or do you feel that fidelity is not really required unless Jamie is willing to marry you?

You know what to do, really.

PhoenixSongbird Fri 21-Sep-07 12:15:40

It's already affecting your relationship - wake up! If you're bored, get a hobby. If you're unhappy with Jamie, leave him. People do find 'the one' online, but it's rare. Have you swapped photos? You have no idea if he's being totally honest with you. Also, has he got nothing better to do either? Doesn't he work? All a bit weird of you ask me.

lulumama Fri 21-Sep-07 12:17:25

if you are bored, there are more constructive ways to get unbored ( is that a real word? )

this other chap is not real... he is not with you every day, leaving his pants on the floor, burping, criticising, not appreciating you, or what ever it is that is going on at home that is making you dissatisfied.

the reality would probably be very different

of course this other chap wants to meet, he is onto a sure thing in his mind, bored, lonely housewife, with a young baby, looking for that feeling of being adored and cherished

instead of wasting time cultivating a relationship with someone over the internet,put some energy into making things work with your DP

it is absolutely fine to fancy other men, even a little flirt with random men, but a sustained flirtatious internet relationship is deceitful, hurtful and disrespectful.

being a SAHM is not always the most satisfying or appreciated thing in the world, sign up for a course, go to the gym, go for a walk, meet a friend. or meet your DP for lunch... there are a million other things you could b e doing,rather than risking your relationship

if it is that bad, then address the problems or end it, rather than have an affair.

moonmother Fri 21-Sep-07 12:17:30

Hi Hayley

Have been in a similar situation but I don't think it will be much help to you as I was the loved one sitting watching my dp chatting on the net to women'friends'.
We'd been together 9 years and had 2 dc and in the end ,no matter how much i loved him I wasn't going to sit there and watch him flirting with other women,whilst he had me ,so in the end after putting up with it for so long I took the kids and left him.
He too told me he loved me ,didnt want to be anywhere else,but I asked him to stop and in my humble opinion if he loved me as much as he said he did he would have stopped,and in the end it drove us apart.How would you feel if Jamie had enough and left?

Try to cut ties with this guy,hes bolstering your ego,making you feel wanted,I know how boring being a sahm mum can be ,try and get out and meet some other mums in your area,theyre safer for your and Jamies relationship.Take some time out,have someone look after the kids and spend some adult time with your dp,its essential in a relationship.

Dropdeadfred Fri 21-Sep-07 12:27:07

you know those 8 balls..the ones you ask a question and shake them and your answer appears...and you interprete how you want to?

Thats what an online flirtation with someone you have never met is like...

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 12:52:51

thanks girls for taking time and reading this! xxxx

i have told jamie if he did the same thing i woul majorly cop and tell him its either me or the other woman?

i think the prob is he is so soft and without sounding too harsh.. he lets me walk all over him and he admitted that the other night..but he said ''if i shout at u u will just go into a cop and not talk to me..'' thats what he said! so im really confused as to why he isnt more pissed off!

i dunno why i specfically put not married coz its me that doesnt wanna get married lol and he does!

i am totally hooked on the thrill of it...

this guy does work, he chats to me from his pc at work.. i know u say hes not real.. but he is.. i have seen him on cam and hes rather handsome! lol

i try not to imterprete things in the wrong way, and i always have my guard up.. he says all nice things to me and i justy take the piss out of him, im not readin into it too much, im not that naive ...

i dunno im just so lost

i could just not talk to him but then i wud be so bored n depressed.. i have no mates i can see coz they all work and none have kids!

hobbies.. im not sure about.. i dunno what im interested in...

imj ust stuck in a rut!

it just feels good to write it all down sad

Dropdeadfred Fri 21-Sep-07 12:54:32

yes the guy is real of course, but his persona and your interpretation of it is anything but...hmm

Doe she know you live with someone and have a child? if so he's a git for flirting with you.

lulumama Fri 21-Sep-07 12:56:57

How old are you and how old are the DCs?

it is so easy to get stuck in a rut

this guy might be handsome, but if he knows you are in a relationship and is chasing you ( and you are allowing yourself to be chased ) then he is actually a bit of a bastard.

is he with anyone? does he have children

i find your double standards quite unappealing, and it soudns like you are taking advantage of being the stronger personality in this relationship.

go to mum and baby groups

get childcare and help at your DCs schools

go to college or night school

do a pottery course

learn a foreign language

goodness sake, you are need to get motivated, to sort your life out and your relationship, as this won;t be so thrilling when your DP finishes with you and you are on your own with 3 DCs and i bet this guy won;t be so interested then

DANCESwithTheMorningOff Fri 21-Sep-07 12:57:17

If you think you are in a rut now, imagine doing what you are doing now but having no-one at home at the end of the day because he's left...
You are playing with fire because you're bored by the sounds of it. I would take a step back and take a good hard look at what you are doing. You are showing no respect to Jamie or your relationship with him. If you don't want to be with him then think about splitting but don't mess him around.

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 12:59:09

i have 3 kids and he does know..thats why im surprised he chatted to me for so long and not given up.. he said hes never gonna give up on me... he says me havin kids dont bother him.. but say i met up with him.. we got on great.. fell inlove etc.. then what?

thats also whats stopping me.. i dont wanna fall for him even more, i been there before and it nearly cost me my relationship!

but also i would feel guilty.. but the guilty part comes second to the scary thought of fallin inlove with him.. so i miust be such a bitch! sad

lulumama Fri 21-Sep-07 13:00:44

so h eknows you are with someone else and have children together, and he won;t give up on you?

sounds like he likes the thrill of the chase

you are not available

if you want to be , then finish with your DP

you cannot have it both ways

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 13:02:30

i am 27 and i have girl 7 boy 5 and baby boy 9 mths jamie is 28

he is single with no kids!

yes ur right.. he must be a bastard to wanna know me when he knows i have a fella.. but he says i cant help who i fall for etc ....

i know i have double standards.. i spose in a way im waitin for jamie to take charge n put me in my place...

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 13:04:05

i said to him.. its just the thrill of the case and he said no its not... maybe thats why i have given in and met him.. im safer this way! hmm

Dropdeadfred Fri 21-Sep-07 13:04:08

the online guy is sooo looking for a one off shag...

controlfreaky2 Fri 21-Sep-07 13:05:19

you are not "bad"
i'm sure you're not a "bitch".....
but you are being stupid.

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 13:05:22

havent i meant *

PhoenixSongbird Fri 21-Sep-07 13:05:58

I understand that you're bored, and I do sympathise in some respects. When dd was first born I was at home on my own with no friends or family with a few hundred miles; I felt very lonely. This didn't make me log on and start a relationship (and it is one, even if you haven't met) with another man. It's really hard for some people to make friends (I'm useless myself), but it really sounds like you're testing Jamie, seeing how far he'll let you 'walk all over him'. This could very easily bite you in arse! Once day he'll decide he's had enough and you'll find yourself totally alone. Will it take this to make you realise you love only him? Why don't you want to marry him? I know marriage just isn't for some people, but is it because deep down you're not happy with him? It certainly sounds like you don't have much respect for him (not just the 'other man' thing).

Him being 'soft' is absolutely no excuse for cheating on him (which you are doing in your head at least). It's hard with a lo but if you're not happy with him, you need to break it off!

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 13:06:38

if he was wouldnt he have given up by now?
are u male dropdeadfred?

lulumama Fri 21-Sep-07 13:08:10

take charge of yourself !! if a friend came to you saying this, what would you say ?

make some plans , get some goals, and work towards them

HayleyWayley Fri 21-Sep-07 13:08:38

i dunno marriage just doesnt appeal to mum n dad were never married n j thinks its summit to do with that! i dont think it is.. it could be johnny depp and i still wouldnt wanna get married

muppetgirl Fri 21-Sep-07 13:09:10

having not taken my own advice in the past and created all sorts of problems....

*Sort out one mess before making another*

lulumama Fri 21-Sep-07 13:09:35

do you really think he is going to say, 'yeah, just wanting a one off shag really, and telling you what you want to hear so i can get my leg over '

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