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Would you be hurt by this message?

(49 Posts)
IndecentFeminist Fri 29-May-20 23:27:03

Quick background, very happy marriage, a few young children, never any concerns re infidelity.

I saw a portion of a message over dh's shoulder the other day, along the lines of 'i miss you, I miss the connection that we had and probably always will'

I didn't see the rest of the message. After stewing for a few days I asked him about it, turns out it was to an ex of 20 odd yrs ago who had cheated on him and is now still married to said chap. He said that he missed her as a friend as they had been best friends for a long time and our connection was far stronger etc. Confirmed happy marriage etc. Hard to talk properly as kids always around. There is zero chance they have met up or anything so I don't suspect anything physical.

But I can't stop the words floating in my head. What would you think or feel in my shoes?

OP’s posts: |
Illstartexercisingtomorrow Fri 29-May-20 23:28:20

I would be bloody angry and upset.

How fucking dare he message another woman about missing his connection with her?

bloodyhellsbellsx Fri 29-May-20 23:31:49

I would be furious and questioning our entire relationship, it is so inappropriate for him to be saying that to an ex.

LellyMcKelly Fri 29-May-20 23:32:06

Is either having or wants an emotional affair,.

rvby Fri 29-May-20 23:33:39

There are many people who'd be hurt, some who wouldn't, but that is neither here nor there. What matters is how you feel. And it sounds like you're not ok with it.

I'd take him at his word, he misses her and their connection, enough to tell her about it. While both he and she are married to other people. Quite a statement I think.

FWIW I have 2 male friends who I have said "I miss you" to, and meant it - but I've never dated either of them, and I don't have a "connection" with them, they are close friends. Your OH appears to be talking about something quite different here.

Elieza Fri 29-May-20 23:34:35

So who messaged whom? Did she say she missed the connection etc or did he say that to her?

FaceOfASpink Fri 29-May-20 23:35:32

He sounds as if he's fishing.

Bufferingkisses Fri 29-May-20 23:35:48

Arguably it may be inappropriate that he said that to an ex whilst with you. However, what do you think he would say to you in that position? Do you think he has a connection with you that is life changing and memorable? The fact he had that with one person doesn't mean he doesn't or couldn't have the same or more with someone else.

SandyY2K Fri 29-May-20 23:36:06

I would think she still has a place in his heart now and that if she didn't cheat he'd have still been with her.

Even after she cheated...he speaks so fondly to her.

I would also be very upset by it and feel like a bit like second choice. . Especially the 'probably always will' bit.

Sounds like a case of "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

How do you think he'd feel if you sent that message to an Ex? Perhaps you should ask.

IndecentFeminist Fri 29-May-20 23:36:11

He said that to her. sad

OP’s posts: |
Pipandmum Fri 29-May-20 23:37:48

There's one thing feeling the odd pang of love lost but to actually text the person? He's inviting her to respond the same way.

Cherrygirl3 Fri 29-May-20 23:40:22

Totally inappropriate. I would be extremely upset by this.

GetOuttaMySwamp Fri 29-May-20 23:41:42

I would want to see the rest of the conversation. Obviously I don't know your husband or your relationship but "I miss her as a friend!!" sounds like like a poor explanation, especially considering what he actually said about how he will always miss the connection he had with her. I'd want to know in what context it was said, and what he hoped to achieve or communicate by it.

Fiveasidefootballfamily Fri 29-May-20 23:41:47

I know people have different boundaries but I don’t know anyone that would accept their husband sending a message like that to an ex-partner. Unless something was going on or you wanted to encourage something to happen, you wouldn’t send that whilst married.

SandyY2K Fri 29-May-20 23:43:08

From this...

i miss you, I miss the connection that we had and probably always will'

To this....

He said that he missed her as a friend as they had been best friends for a long time

He's now minimising, because he knows it looks bad.

He still misses her 20 odd years later! I don't miss anyone from that long ago to write that kind of message, especially an Ex

I agree with a pp who said it would make me question the whole relationship.

lavenderlove Fri 29-May-20 23:43:11

I would be so upset with that. Total lack of respect shown to you sadI would be asking to see their whole conversation before I made my mind up on what to do next

AllyBamma Fri 29-May-20 23:43:14

There’s literally no reason for her to be speaking to her and it’s horrible he said that. I wouldn’t be letting that go, there’s a lot more to the story

incognitomum Fri 29-May-20 23:45:02

I'd hate that and it'd make me doubt my marriage.

IndecentFeminist Fri 29-May-20 23:45:29

I'm so sad. sad

OP’s posts: |
catfeets Fri 29-May-20 23:45:43

I caught my ex saying something very similar. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but then caught him again. The second time he told her he'd always love her and no one else would come close. I was devastated. It turned out he'd been contacting her for years and she'd completely ignored him so it was pointless him contacting her.
I felt like second choice - and that may well be how you end up feeling about it.

SandyY2K Fri 29-May-20 23:46:47


Unless something was going on or you wanted to encourage something to happen, you wouldn’t send that whilst married.

I totally agree.

So strange especially when she ended the relationship after cheating, yet 20 years later, he's showing her he still has a thing for her.

Bunnymumy Fri 29-May-20 23:47:37

If she sent that to him I would be insisting he blocked her asap.

But if he sent that to her I would not be happy.
Having said that, he also told her he loved you and he just missed the friendship between them? Meh..might be nothing. But he may fishing. I wouldn't be ok with him staying in touch after that though.

RUOKHon Fri 29-May-20 23:48:05

I don’t think you’re getting the full story. I would want to see how that whole conversation played out. You don’t send a message like that without a build up to it.

Crystalspider Fri 29-May-20 23:48:19

I would ask to see the messages and how she responded, however saying you miss your ex and always would is just not on, he really shouldn't be telling her that.

Cherrygirl3 Fri 29-May-20 23:51:06

flowers I'm not surprised you're sad OP, it needs sorting for your own peace of mind. This virus/lockdown has people doing all sorts of weird stuff though, too much time to think/reminisce.

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