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He's married to job, I want out, need help

(5 Posts)
artisanmarsbar Fri 29-May-20 10:58:20

I'm finding it really hard to end my very long relationship.
Until recently, I have always put more effort into it and keeping relationship alive. I plan stuff etc He is often tired in the evenings, distracted by work at all hours, he won't discuss our sex life or what I'm interested in. I have tried. In fact we don't have one anymore.
I like him, love him even, he's a good dad. But I'm not happy and no longer fancy him. And he doesn't seem to care that I'm not happy. The more unhappy I am, the more effort he puts into childcare, or his work. I'm been very specific about what I want and he nods, then nothing shifts.
Thing is, he doesn't want to end it. I'm nearly 50 now so I'm less hopeful of meeting anyone. So I would be breaking up the family for what...? He wouldn't engage with improving relationship, now he refuses to engage with ending it. And is unpleasent to me in a passive way now I want to end, so he'll now 'make mistakes' or 'forget' stuff that is impacting, for instance, my working from home.
In public, everyone loves him, he looks sweet. I've always contributed to bigging him up, or speaking about him kindly. This suited him having the spotlight. But now, I hate socialising with him. He feels false publicly, I don't want to go along with it.
Lockdown has not been nice, he just assumed I'd do the childcare initially. But I'm aware I don't have much of a support network. My family background is abusive. And I've lost some close friends last few years. Friends I do speak to, don't want to know as they like him, and tell me I should be grateful. But I have interests and I'm used to relying on myself. We do get on, if I see he as a friend rather than a partner and don't have partner needs. I know I'd be the one condemned if we split, even though there's no affair. He is thriving, I am not, I've had health issues these last few years, getting worse.
I feel guilt alot so with kids, the guilt rises when I think about ending.
But I want to end, my energy is being diminished but it feels so hard with kids. And I'm really questioning myself!
Any support welcome.

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Fri 29-May-20 11:12:17

You are done OP.
That is clear.

Don't worry about your friends not agreeing.
They don't sound like any friends I'd want anyway.

Get yourself organised.
That is all you can do.

Use the energy you have left to protect yourself, disengage from him, get organised quietly.

50 is a great age.
Don't waste any more time trying to fix, the unfixable.

What age are your children?
Do you work?
Have you money stashed? If not, start accumulating money quietly.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 29-May-20 11:20:13

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?.

Your childhood was abusive and you went on to marry someone probably not that dissimilar to how your parents treated you as a child. Your H does not feel guilty at all for how he has treated you and in turn these children so he is really not someone you should feel at all guilty for. All he cares about seemingly is having his own needs met with you continuing to put your own self last for him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here? Would you want them to have a relationship like this or for them to see that a loveless marriage is their norm too, no you would not.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is NOT a good dad if your H treats you, and in turn your children like this. You are not unreasonable to be wanting to end this marriage and besides which you do not need his permission to end the marriage. He will likely be obstructive and difficult throughout the whole process of separation and divorce but that does not mean to say either you should not go through with divorcing him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 29-May-20 11:22:49

You are married to this man and have rights in law; exercise those fully.

I would also not concern myself about any friends not agreeing; they are not married to him. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world also.

Seek legal advice from local firms of Solicitors as soon as you can do so; after all knowledge too is power.

User002819532425 Fri 29-May-20 13:14:08

My Mum's husband ran off with a woman at the office when she was 49 - she met a lovely chap the next year and they've been together for nearly 30 years.

Anyway if you want company it sounds like a lodger/cat/dog/all would suit better...

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