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Stay at home mothers, SOS

9 replies

ElizaJane231208 · 28/05/2020 20:05

Hello, I am a stay home parent to my gorgeous 2 year old. I am in a very unhappy relationship where he doesn’t even realise how controlling he is/how unhappy he makes me, no matter how many time I tell him! I’ve even blankly asked him to leave, upon which he scooped our child up and ran across the house shouting loudly “you’re not taking him! He’s not leaving me! Please!” Crying so loud the neighbours heard, our child was DISTRAUGHT, I genuinely feel nothing towards him anymore, but I’m afraid to leave in case he spirals and does something stupid to himself. It’s been 7 long, hard years, I’m also unofficially a step parent to an 8 year old and that has never been positive and he’s never been happy on that front either, seeing how bad he coped through all of that is just magnifying my negatives predictions for how he’ll handle me leaving with our child too.

He doesn’t allow me to work, he doesn’t allow me to see family, I’ve been seeing my brother in secret, I have no friends, any work friends fizzled out when I left work and didn’t return on maternity leave almost 3 years ago. I wish to leave, I am not named on our house so I cannot stay here and he refuses to leave anyway, what can I do? Please.

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merryhouse · 28/05/2020 20:29

You're going to have to leave without warning him.

Is your brother able to help? - financially, or with temporary accommodation? Is any of the rest of your family close?

What he's doing is abusive - coercive control - and now illegal. Can you contact Women's Aid for help?

See if you can get copies of details of his income (apparently it's quite common for men to underreport their income to CMS). But don't do this at the expense of secrecy. You need to get away, in safety.

Oh, and he knows perfectly well what he's doing.

If he threatens to harm himself, inform the police. You are not trained to deal with someone contemplating suicide. (He isn't, of course. it's just another way of controlling you.)

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Wagamamas · 28/05/2020 20:57

When he is out of the house pack your essentials and leave with your dc before he returns.call your family let them know and ask to stay with them. Call womens aid.
As pp said dont threaten or tell him about yourplan.
He will be fine just like he was fine eventually when his first ex left him. Dont worry about him worry about you.

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ElizaJane231208 · 28/05/2020 21:48

The family that I could temporarily stay with, their housing is by no means suitable, and he would use that against me in a bid to keep our child. Nobody I know is in a position to help financially and my credit score is shockingly bad so I cannot rent a property of my own either.
I fear contacting persons such as Womens Aid would jeopardise his existing contact with his other child, and that would only leave myself subject to further misery.
I know his income for CMS as he’s had great arguments regarding money when his ex took him to CMS last year.

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ElizaJane231208 · 28/05/2020 21:50

He is now working from home, and I do the shopping with our child due to not being able to get deliveries, he doesn’t leave the house. I wouldn’t be able to get to my family members house with my belongings due to having no transport. It’s his vehicle unfortunately.

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K1999 · 28/05/2020 21:53

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

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K1999 · 28/05/2020 21:54

Sorry I just read your other message. I would still say contact them and voice everything. A conversation won't change anything unless YOU want it to.

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ProudMarys · 28/05/2020 22:08

You have to fine a way to leave I'm afraid. Call women's aid and get some advice. Maybe call them when you are out if he is always around. Sorry it's a tough situation but not impossible

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SuperficialSuzie · 28/05/2020 22:12

I might have missed it but are you married? If so that changes things - you would own half the house and half the car if so.

I would try to pack stuff in secret - say you are having a big clear out, and going to take stuff to the tip - hide stuff inside other stuff, chuck it out of the window if need be then gather it up and just go.

Get your child to a place of safety and then get the car dropped off nearby later and tell him where to get it from.