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Advice needed, unsure of what to do

(24 Posts)
Este67 Thu 28-May-20 17:44:58

2 weeks before lockdown, I started dating someone I met through work. We went on a handful of dates & there was a lot of chemistry. He made a point of messaging me after each one to tell me he'd had a great time & we seemed to be on the same page about wanting something real rather than a fling. I initially had some concerns as I knew through a friend that he had only very recently broken up with his ex & I was very upfront in saying that I wasn't interested in being a rebound. He (very emphatically) told me he was ready for a relationship & had wanted to leave his prior relationship for months before he actually broke up with her & I (perhaps naively) accepted this.

The day before lockdown, we went on a day trip together and had a lovely time, so I was upset when I didn't really hear from him the week after. Against my better judgement, I messaged him first to find out he was and how he was coping with isolation (he lives with a lodger who isn't very friendly) but I found his answers quite perfunctory & I assumed he wasn't interested. However, after I reached out again (again, not in line with how I'd usually play it but he'd mentioned feeling ill & I thought under current circumstances it would be quite unkind to check he was ok) he began to be quite chatty and flirty and over the last 8 weeks we were chatting every day and seemed to be building towards something.

Last week he told me he'd been thinking about me a lot & wanted to pick things up from where we'd left off. I was really happy to hear that and we agreed to meet up in a park (obvs social distancing being observed) and have a picnic. It was going really well & was actually quite romantic until he let slip that his lodger wasn't quarantining with him. I said how sad it was that he was going through lockdown alone and then he confessed that he had invited his ex to stay at his during lockdown. After I probed further, he admitted that they had been intimate a number of times but he had asked her to leave because it was a toxic situation and he wanted to focus on me. I was really upset as I thought it was dishonest that he hadn't mentioned it & it made me feel that the relationship we'd been building in lockdown was tainted. He seemed to see that it was a bit shitty of him on one hand but said that as we hadn't had an official chat about exclusivity that he didn't think it was a big deal & the sex was meaningless. I tried to move past it as I accepted that we were still quite early on in dating & I technically didn't have the right to ask or be upset but it was strained and the atmosphere was different after that. When we left eachother, he told me he knew it had been a bad decision & asked if we could start again & see eachother soon. I kind of agreed but I think it would have been obvious I was still hurt & probably didn't come across very enthusiastic.

That was 5 days ago & whilst that probably doesn't seem very long, it's felt awful not to be in touch with him. I live with my ex (not by choice & very much no chance of rekindling anything, which I've made very clear to this guy) but spend most of my time alone and feel really upset and anxious that things seem to have ground to a halt as it was the one positive thing I had to hold on to through this situation. My thinking is that the ball is in his court given that I already come out of my comfort zone quite a lot by double messaging him, generally being quite open & honest about wanting to pursue things with him plus the whole sex with th he ex thing but I'm not sure if I'm being too proud in expecting him to grovel and I should message him? I'm wondering if perhaps he feels bad and doesn't know whether or how to approach me because of how upset I obviously was & how awkward things were left.

Please be kind in your replies if you can, I am quite fragile at the moment.

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Nsky Thu 28-May-20 19:47:23

Much as it’s upsetting, the lockdown bit, never helped, at least he admitted it.
Not ideal, prob too coped up, remember as much about her as him.
You could reach out, and say you were a little upset and you understand why.

Dollyrocket Thu 28-May-20 20:02:18

I think this situation sounds very messy and really isn’t a good basis for a new relationship. He said his previous relationship was over months before - was emphatic.. He’s shown you he wasn’t actually over it.. What more do you need to know?

Don’t let yourself be so desperate for a relationship / contact during lockdown that you drop your standards for this.

MashedSpud Thu 28-May-20 20:13:02

I guess he would be fine if you were having sex with your ex then?

I’d drop him tbh, if he really liked you he wouldn’t have done it, especially after you discussed her previously.

Este67 Thu 28-May-20 20:14:01

@dollyrocket. Thank you, I think that's a fair point. Just for context, he said she doesn't know anyone here as she's from abroad & it was just meant to be for company & he had no intention of rekindling things with her but just wanted some meaningless sex. He also said they argued non stop and it was toxic and he regretted it.

I think reading back what I've written that it's clear he's not that into me and was just using me as a back up option. I don't think I will reach out much as a part of me still wants to.

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Tiny2018 Thu 28-May-20 20:22:31

OP please don't ever accept being someone's back up. You deserve better than that xx

Este67 Thu 28-May-20 20:22:33

Interesting you should say that, I asked him the same & he said that whilst he wouldn't be over the moon, he wouldn't be able to say anything as we hadn't had "the talk." Which is actually hilarious because I found out from a mutual friend yesterday that he asked her whether I was seeing anyone else before we'd even gone on a first date because if I was he, "wouldn't be ok with that."

Just very difficult to understand his behaviour. Just before lockdown we had the chance to be intimate but he wanted to wait because he said he could really see us going somewhere and didn't want to screw us up by moving too quickly. Then he's been going out of his way to share things with me about his past and hobbies that made me feel I was really getting to know him and he wanted to know me. He seemed quite earnest in wanting to keep seeing me but now I haven't heard from him for days and it's felt so strange when we were literally talking all the time. Really upsetting and bizarre behaviour. Very hard to fight the urge to ask him what he's playing at, especially when I can see he has been online since.

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MyOwnSummer Thu 28-May-20 20:30:57

Who knows what his motivation might be. Honestly OP, who cares?

The important thing is his behaviour. His behaviour has caused you to feel terrible.

Fuck that! Life is too short to spend psycho analysing someone and trying to fix them or figure them out.

If they make you feel shit, its a shit decision to allow them to continue doing so. Be nice to yourself.

AnyFucker Thu 28-May-20 20:35:03

He is a liar and flaky as fuck

This guy is not relationship material. I think you should move on and leave him to his "meaningless sex" with the "ex"

I wonder what she describes herself as

NoMoreDickheads Thu 28-May-20 20:38:25

It's one thing to move her in for lockdown ((though a lot of women wouldn't be comfortable with that in someone they're dating.)

It's another thing that he was shagging her without telling you! I like to think I wouldn't put up with that. What if he cheats on you again and then says sorry I'm not going to do it now again?

Nope, what a cheek! The end!

TwentyViginti Thu 28-May-20 20:43:20

No no no. If he was that into you, and wanted a new relationship, he certainly wouldn't be shagging his ex multiple times!

Este67 Thu 28-May-20 20:45:18

I think if it had been platonic I could have dealt with it given my situation, but the fact we were talking every day & he never once mentioned it is significant I think. He said he wasn't 100 percent certain that I still liked him & it was too early for us to move in together so that's why he invited her but I just don't buy it. Why else would I have been messaging him?!

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Mama05 Thu 28-May-20 20:59:54

I would say you both need to wait till lockdown is over, both get away from your ex’s and maybe gove it a go.

It’s sneaky of him to invite his ex and shag her rotten and then send her packing. If he genuinely didn’t think he was doing anything wrong then he would have mentioned it prior to your meeting. He hid it because he knew it would scare you off.

He sounds like a dick from what you’ve said IMO and I defo wouldn’t want to start a romantic relationship and invest time in someone who Is newly out of a relationship And has not been honest from the get go

billy1966 Thu 28-May-20 21:12:10

Oh OP,

I can hear your understandable disappointment.

It's a disappointing outcome for you.

Unfortunately I agree with above, he has said one thing but his behaviour has indicated he's a bit flakey.

I certainly wouldn't dream of contacting him.

If he contacts you....come back on here, but I would let it go.

Maintain your self worthflowers

I really am sorry for your disappointment. flowers

Dontbeme Thu 28-May-20 21:17:30

he admitted that they had been intimate a number of times but he had asked her to leave because it was a toxic situation and he wanted to focus on me

So he only figured out it was toxic after having sex multiple times? You should count yourself lucky OP, he has shown you exactly how he treats women before you got in too deep. Do you fancy being the next "toxic" ex?

Seaweed42 Thu 28-May-20 21:30:41

He's keeping his options open by stringing two women along. His ex was fine and she did him for 'meaningless' sex during the lockdown - not just once but a few times. Nice. Maybe he told her the same about you. He's must have been treating the ex nice to end up sharing a bed with her.

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 28-May-20 21:37:48

Interesting that he only found out that the whole situation was 'toxic' AFTER he'd had lots of sex. Surely the fact that they'd broken up and he'd been meaning to break up with her 'for months' showed him that the situation was toxic?

Very convenient for him that it took a few times of shagging for it to be comfirmed...

CharmerLlama Thu 28-May-20 21:51:52

The fact that he's admitted he invited his ex to stay so that he could have "meaningless sex" (if you believe that) tells you that he has no respect for women. I couldn't date a man with those morals.

Dollyrocket Thu 28-May-20 21:54:42

Sorry OP, but he’s a using bastard who moved his ex in (for meaningless sexhmm) and all the while he’s keeping you ticking over in the wings.

There’s zero point in analysing him. He’s a player and we all know it. Don’t let him play you!

NotKeenOnSwede Thu 28-May-20 22:01:10

NO NO NO NO!!! I would elbow this instantly OP. He has made you feel like shit already. He has treated you in a way you would never have treated him, therefore you have more respect for him than he does for you and it's not an equal situation. I really hope you fuck this one off. There's a life motto I stick to religiously. It's called "no bullshit".

This is bullshit x

GilbertMarkham Thu 28-May-20 22:09:04

he had no intention of rekindling things with her but just wanted some meaningless sex.


He sounds delightful.

Did she know it was meaningless sex and they weren't rekindling things?
It's pretty unusual for two people in a relationship to equally want to end it.

Aside from that, he should have told you she was living with him.

And as someone pointed out, he told you it was over months before yet he invited her to stay with him for lockdown and then shagged her several times, he's flaky and dishonest and doesn't sound like he has much integrity.

Fiveasidefootballfamily Thu 28-May-20 22:53:03

He didn’t want to pursue sex with you, but shagged his ex several times (whilst he should have been in lockdown too). He then says sorry BUT not really sorry as we weren’t exclusive. Then you’d like him to grovel but instead he ignores you until you make the first move and chase him?

I mean this in the nicest possible way but have some self worth and move on to someone who actually deserves you. If he makes you feel crap now and can make excuses for why it’s not that bad, he will break your heart later down the line and treat you like crap. This is your warning! Don’t let him continue to make you feel bad.

category12 Thu 28-May-20 22:58:24

Please don't have such a low bar for yourself. You can do better.

Este67 Thu 28-May-20 23:10:53

Yep, you're all right, he's not someone I should want to pursue things with. I think I was having trouble accepting the very obvious fact that he is a twunt because of how highly regarded he is in our workplace & the fact that he oozes "nice guy." I also thought given how awfully my luck has gone in this dept since becoming single last Oct that statistically there was no way I could have gotten it this wrong again but here we are! Thanks for your input everyone, it's been difficult to read but very helpful. Off for another cry.

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