I feel like I'm destined for a life of heartbreak

[Rach889]

I guess I just wanted to come on here and vent, as romantic relationships is an area of my life that I feel like just never goes right and I'm so tired of it.

My relationships either go 2 ways- either I realise that there's no spark and end it, or they disrespect me in some way and the relationship ends. For the past few years, all I seem to be getting is bad luck.

The first man that I ever properly loved lead me on for a month before telling me he didn't want a relationship.

The next man was my idea of a perfect boyfriend/fiance/husband and I believed that our relationship was going to last. We ended up getting pregnant with a little boy together- not planned but he was the biggest blessing in my life. However, less than a month into my pregnancy I found out that he had been cheating for the past few months with multiple different women. I had been with this man for two years at this point, and we'd planned out our whole future together, so it really turned my life upside down. We had a messy breakup and then I took many years out fro the dating to heal and focus on our son. My ex moved on straight away with one of his side pieces and they have been together ever since.

Around a year ago, I finally felt like dating again. But the issue is, it takes a long shot for me to actually feel a spark for someone. I went on so many dates I've lost count, yet I found no one who sparked my interest.

Then unexpectedly, a friend of a friend came into my life and suddenly I felt something again. He made me feel excited about life, and most importantly he was lovely with my son. He also seemed very down to earth and genuine, which I felt was more trustworthy than loud and vain like my ex had been. We were seeing each other for some time, and I was expecting things to progress into a relationship. But then there was a bombshell. It turned out that he had a secret girlfriend, and now I was the side piece.

This happened about a month ago and I'm still trying to process everything. Obviously we broke it off, but I can't help wondering why I have such bad luck with relationships. There are plenty of men who seem nice enough that approach me, but try as I might, I just can't feel that spark or attraction. The last time I was with a loving partner who I loved back was over 7 years ago. It feels like everyone who ever lies, cheats or disrespects me has gone on to have their happy ending whilst I'm stuck in this never ending cycle of bad dates, alone and miserable.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. If anyone has any positive stories about how their partner has eventually come along then I'd love to hear them. I love my son more than life itself, but I always had the picture of myself being married with my own little family by now and I can't pretend that this doesn't hurt.

[Bunnymumy]

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time of things.

I've started to think that I'm just meant to be single. But perhaps it's just like a jigsaw puzzle and the right piece hasn't come along yet.

I wont spout shit about how the right one will come along when you least expect it though. Because I think, if we can date our arses off and still not find a decent fella then it's highly unlikely one will just fall out of the sky.

But I try to think of it as whatever will be will be.
Maybe we were meant for something else.

I mean, if we are married, say, when our fifties come around...we wont be able to go abroad somewhere like Turkey and be hit on by all the young hotties who want visas xD ok...maybe tgats just me lol.

But, maybe if we dont find someone... theres a different adventure out there for us anyway.

[Naimee87]

Hello!
I haven't been successful in finding anyone that fits with me and my son. Either i get totally invested and they do a 180 and don't want a relationship and the ones who like me i just don't get any spark with them. I have posted on here about a long distance relationship that i am trying which is anything but easy... we'll just have to see how it goes. It seems like you say that the ones who f**k up end up better off and happy with someone... which seems so backwards. I would like to think we will end up with someone who fits to us. We are really lucky to have kids, they teach us a lot about whats important in life! And i can say i prefer to be on my own than in a bad relationship...

[Rach889]

Thank you for your reply. I definitely agree about the 'if it's meant to be' stuff, that really gets old after a few years of being single 😂 I think I'm going to have to start looking at it your way- accepting that I'm going to be single for some time and trying to see the positives. Who doesn't want to be flirted with by Turkish hotties?! 😂 I think my biggest anxiety is not knowing when, if ever, that I'm going to meet someone else. So if I try to accept that I won't meet someone, then it will be a nice surprise if they come along!

[Rach889]

@Naimee87

Hello!
I haven't been successful in finding anyone that fits with me and my son. Either i get totally invested and they do a 180 and don't want a relationship and the ones who like me i just don't get any spark with them. I have posted on here about a long distance relationship that i am trying which is anything but easy... we'll just have to see how it goes. It seems like you say that the ones who f**k up end up better off and happy with someone... which seems so backwards. I would like to think we will end up with someone who fits to us. We are really lucky to have kids, they teach us a lot about whats important in life! And i can say i prefer to be on my own than in a bad relationship...

That's exactly my situation! I honestly don't know how people jump from relationship to relationship. It takes me over a year to meet someone I like, and then chances are they're either in a relationship/not interested/just want to mess me around. It's very frustrating 😤

[GirJa]

Concur with Bunny alot.

I just don't think everyone - me especially - was cut out for a relationship. Even if I'd pursued it sensibly and diligently I would have ended up in a big mess or one kind or another.

I was always meant to be single really. If only I'd realised this when younger, I think I could have carved out a more meaningful, satisfying and creative life. I think women are over- socialised to want the "partner and family" domestic and personal achievement, and whilst this leads to great happiness for some, for a large minority I believe it can lead to all kinds of unhealthy scenarios. For myself, I did have to contend with my sex drive, and romantic nature as well (FWB not for me). I think if I had understood this, it might have helped. I would probably have been way less interested in what men thought, for a start.

[GirJa]

Bunny, Turkey and the hotties made me laugh. But the truth is in life, if you miss one train, you are inevitably free to catch another one; "one door closes another opens" sort of thing. And obviously I don't mean "men" specifically, but life and life choices and happenings in general.

[Meruem]

I’ve come to realise that we don’t just all get everything we want in life. Some people find an amazing partner, but then are devastated to find out they can’t have children. Some people have the partner and children but always struggle for money. Or people who get it all can be struck down will ill health. I have realised I won’t get that “happy ending” with a guy, it just isn’t going to happen. But I have 2 great DC (now grown), a nice home, am reasonably healthy, a decently paid job that I don’t detest! So now I count my blessings. And yes, you do have way more freedom being single! I travel lots and always have a great time, although I haven’t been to Turkey!

[Calaximox]

Appreciate what you're saying Meruem, but lots of people get little or nothing of the good life - the nice DC, home, good health and a decent job would be beyond the dreams of some people. (Me, for instance) Not to depress you this, but to throw in another reality, admittedly a minority one.

[toucancancan]

Hiya, have you listened to Jay Shetty? He has loads of podcasts with good insight into relationships that will either help you to move on from someone and realise why they weren't right for you or help you make better judgments in the future.

[Meruem]

You're right Calaximox. It has taken me a number of years to get all those things. But yes, some people never have them and I think that is why I can see the positives in what I do have, because I know I'm lucky. Things could have turned out far worse for me but luck was on my side, just not in relationships!

[Rach889]

@GirJa

Concur with Bunny alot.

I just don't think everyone - me especially - was cut out for a relationship. Even if I'd pursued it sensibly and diligently I would have ended up in a big mess or one kind or another.

I was always meant to be single really. If only I'd realised this when younger, I think I could have carved out a more meaningful, satisfying and creative life. I think women are over- socialised to want the "partner and family" domestic and personal achievement, and whilst this leads to great happiness for some, for a large minority I believe it can lead to all kinds of unhealthy scenarios. For myself, I did have to contend with my sex drive, and romantic nature as well (FWB not for me). I think if I had understood this, it might have helped. I would probably have been way less interested in what men thought, for a start.

Sometimes I think this about myself, but then I wonder why I've been given such a desire for one if I'm not meant to have it?

[Rach889]

@Meruem

I’ve come to realise that we don’t just all get everything we want in life. Some people find an amazing partner, but then are devastated to find out they can’t have children. Some people have the partner and children but always struggle for money. Or people who get it all can be struck down will ill health. I have realised I won’t get that “happy ending” with a guy, it just isn’t going to happen. But I have 2 great DC (now grown), a nice home, am reasonably healthy, a decently paid job that I don’t detest! So now I count my blessings. And yes, you do have way more freedom being single! I travel lots and always have a great time, although I haven’t been to Turkey!

That's very true. I'm so lucky to have my son and I live in a nice apartment with supportive family and a few close friends. It really could be a lot worse, yet I always seem to focus on what I don't have!

[crispsandwine]

OP - I've also had bad luck with men and it's rare that I find a spark with someone.

The dating game is a bit like the lottery. You go in a date and don't know if you are going to hit the jackpot - i.e have a spark, similar interests, get on well. Chemistry is either there or it isn't.

I think that some people either have more luck, aren't as fussy, or hate being on their own and go from relationship to relationship. The grass can often seem greener as well and being single can have it's advantages.

I've thought about where I'm going wrong with online dating and will give it another go after lockdown. I might book a trip to Turkey as well when it's safe to go there lol

[Rach889]

@toucancancan

Hiya, have you listened to Jay Shetty? He has loads of podcasts with good insight into relationships that will either help you to move on from someone and realise why they weren't right for you or help you make better judgments in the future.

Thanks for the recommendation! I've seen a few short clips with him in and they've always resonated, so I'll take a listen to his podcasts

[toucancancan]

Yes, can highly recommend. They also help you see what you have really lost, rather than what you 'think' you have lost when a relationship ends.

[crispsandwine]

I prefer Jay Shetty to Matthew Hussey

[Mama05]

Be kind to yourself and do not lower your standards to get into a relationship. It sounds like your spate of bad luck has been blessings in disguises.

I use to be how you were, use to think back to a boyfriend from 2012 (in 2017) and think that was the last loving relationship I had and he was the last person to tell me he loved me. I loswered my standards and was messed around left right and centre because I was DESPERATE for a partner and to be loved. It had and still has knocked my confidence.

I ended up meet informally my now ex and had my son but my ex was a total prick and the only good thing that came from it was my boy, obviously, I don’t regret him but do sometimes wish I hadn’t met my ex as he is nothing but trouble.

The time will come when your not looking for a relationship. I know it’s easy for me to say and the loneliness can be crippling but do hold on!

[Naimee87]

Yes crazy isn't it i know a girl who came out of a 10 year marriage (she did marry super young) and within a year she met someone and they've moved in together... seems some people click their fingers and get what they want while others are left wondering what their secret is...

[TossaCointoYerWitcher]

@Naimee it might just be she feels she “clicks” with more types of people than most - after all, the OP isn’t short of offers, just ones she wants to pursue!

[Naimee87]

Yes you are totally right, i know i am quite picky i'm also guilty of being with guys too long when i know they don't want what i do but i feel i can change their mind. This has never worked and i actually laugh at myself and think what an idiot i was... there is also too much choice now with all the online stuff and the awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time that you 'click' with when writing but in real life your like 'nooo waaay' haha! It's all experiences and how we chose to deal with them. I also don't believe people come into our lives without a purpose whether this be for good or to teach a tough lesson.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Ok, bear with me but I have some thoughts based on what you have written OP. I want to clarify first that this is NOT blaming you in any way but it is just merely noticing some patterns that you may not be consciously aware of. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

So, you say the following:


"The first man that I ever properly loved lead me on for a month"

"The next man was my idea of a perfect boyfriend/fiance/husband and I believed that our relationship was going to last"

"We were seeing each other for some time, and I was expecting things to progress into a relationship"

Do you notice a pattern here?- I do. You jump right into thinking someone is "perfect" and "the one" and that its "love" very very quickly. Your expectations are sky high and then when you actually get to know these men it turns out they're shits and treat you poorly. Their behaviour is all on them and is their responsibility. HOWEVER, you hold some responsibility also because you are expecting WAY too much too soon. You are using words like love and perfect before you have even got to see them in all scenarios. It takes time to get to know someone- you need to see them when theyre tired, and stressed and going through shit to figure out their true character. Anyone can portray themselves as a great person on a few dates but it doesnt mean its the "real them". You invest way too quickly. Matthew Hussey (who I agree is great- watch some youtube videos of him and his dating advice) always says that you ONLY invest in someone to the level they are investing in you.

So, you dont jump ahead and start imagining a relationship with someone before youve got to properly know them. Dont put all your eggs into one basket- date around, date several people casually and dont invest everything in one person because they might not be who you think they are. Slowly, as you get to now them you will see if they are genuine or not but at least you wont have dropped from such a great height because your expectations were low. Keep them low until these men prove to you they can do otherwise and that they DESERVE your investment.

I hope that didnt come across as me blaming you because I'm not and I meant it kindly. I just want you to be able to protect yourself is all. Definitely look at some matthew hussey videos. I dont think its that you are meeting only douche bags, I think it is that you are INVESTING way too quickly in men who just happen to be douche bags and if you just held back and reserved judgement you wouldnt get so hurt.

[Rach889]

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Ok, bear with me but I have some thoughts based on what you have written OP. I want to clarify first that this is NOT blaming you in any way but it is just merely noticing some patterns that you may not be consciously aware of. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

So, you say the following:

"The first man that I ever properly loved lead me on for a month"

"The next man was my idea of a perfect boyfriend/fiance/husband and I believed that our relationship was going to last"

"We were seeing each other for some time, and I was expecting things to progress into a relationship"

Do you notice a pattern here?- I do. You jump right into thinking someone is "perfect" and "the one" and that its "love" very very quickly. Your expectations are sky high and then when you actually get to know these men it turns out they're shits and treat you poorly. Their behaviour is all on them and is their responsibility. HOWEVER, you hold some responsibility also because you are expecting WAY too much too soon. You are using words like love and perfect before you have even got to see them in all scenarios. It takes time to get to know someone- you need to see them when theyre tired, and stressed and going through shit to figure out their true character. Anyone can portray themselves as a great person on a few dates but it doesnt mean its the "real them". You invest way too quickly. Matthew Hussey (who I agree is great- watch some youtube videos of him and his dating advice) always says that you ONLY invest in someone to the level they are investing in you.

So, you dont jump ahead and start imagining a relationship with someone before youve got to properly know them. Dont put all your eggs into one basket- date around, date several people casually and dont invest everything in one person because they might not be who you think they are. Slowly, as you get to now them you will see if they are genuine or not but at least you wont have dropped from such a great height because your expectations were low. Keep them low until these men prove to you they can do otherwise and that they DESERVE your investment.

I hope that didnt come across as me blaming you because I'm not and I meant it kindly. I just want you to be able to protect yourself is all. Definitely look at some matthew hussey videos. I dont think its that you are meeting only douche bags, I think it is that you are INVESTING way too quickly in men who just happen to be douche bags and if you just held back and reserved judgement you wouldnt get so hurt.

Thanks for the reply! I agree with some of what you're saying, but I think there's also some things I need to clarify. "The first guy I ever loved" was a complete whirlwind thing, we met at uni and spent every day together, so I ended up growing feelings really fast. Yep that was a mistake and it was a lesson learnt, but I'm sure your first love wasn't the best when you didn't have that life experience!

The next guy I was with seemed 'perfect' after two years of dating him- I didn't decide this when we first met, and it took many months of dating before I fell in love!
I think you're under the impression that I throw my whole feelings into every guy who ever comes my way, but that's not the case- It's actually the opposite. I've been on so many dates and I'm just not interested in them. I've dated around so much that at one point I was actually going o and a different date every week 😂 It takes me time to find a man that I see potential, and when I do I let things progress slowly.

When I do start to like someone I get excited (because it really doesn't happen that often) but don't we all? It's nice to meet someone who ticks all your boxes who seems to like you back.

I appreciate what you're saying and I get that my post comes across as a bit desperate and poor little me but I can assure you that me being too forward isn't the problem I'm having here!

[SuspicionAintTheWay]

My last three relationships have ended because of him being 'in love' with someone else. One was a colleague, one was an acquaintance from a hobby (not cycling), the other a female friend who became single.
In each case, having to listen to their syrupy 'She's so pretty she doesn't need make up ' or ' I cried when she brought her boyfriend along ', ' I can't help it ' and more, still makes me feel nauseous.

My judgement must be appalling.

AFAIK none of these were affairs, just crushes/EA.

[Bunnymumy]

Pp, sounds like narcissistic triangulation.
Maybe you keep attracting narcissists.

[SuspicionAintTheWay]

@Bunnymumy, The first two were intelligent men, possibly with some degree of autism - one was geeky, the other intellectual. I doubt that they were narcissistic, just weird.

The other one, more recent, seemed The One, a bit of a rough diamond, but after years, I found he was like a Jekyll and Hyde. I'd had a gut feeling at the beginning, but I ignored it, I really shouldn't have.

It was like he was a tweenager with a crush on a popstar.
Ugh!

I strongly suspect narcissistic traits in him.

When things were good, I had only noticed that he couldn't take criticism and would twist it so that it was me with the problem.

It doesn't look like it was triangulation, but there was gaslighting.
Very subtle. Empathetic comments about my mental health (i'm fine), my drink problem was used as an excuse to exclude me from things (i have to be careful as I get drunk easily), then he started to comment about my weight (I'm slim/scraggy - subtle positive comments about my weight gain and eating).

He was very overweight, drank heavily and from what I can gather, the previous relationships and EAs were with anorexic psychopaths.

He had me completely fooled. He was fun, a laugh, he could charm the birds from the trees, he was popular. He turned out to be nasty. In what I believe was partly premeditated, he attacked me.

How can I ever trust my judgement again.

I don't know what was going on, he was wooing this woman, taking her out, telling his friends that I was unstable, psychopathic, and probably more.

I don't even have good memories. My wonderful boyfriend wasn't and I had been second best all along.