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Looking for advice for my children, xh and the other woman.

(48 Posts)
longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 09:06:51

2 weeks before lockdown I found out dh was having an affair, he moved out and we told our eldest 2 the reason why (keeping the details very simple).
This has caused so much heartache to us all, dh was constantly apologising and trying to do so much for us all and slowly him and the older children were getting a decent relationship back until the weekend just gone.
Him and dd were in the car together and dd saw the other woman's name on his call list and was devastated. He has outright denied it was her name saying it someone similar from work but as I said to him she has no reason to lie and he has every reason.
He has said all along he hasn't spoken to her and tried to go out of his way to prove it but I've obviously had my suspicions the whole time.

He was so angry and defensive it just confirmed it even more for me and now the children are devastated as I don't think they had even entertained the idea that she could continue on the scene. They knew he kissed someone else and I think they thought that it was it and now it's even harder as he's saying they got it wrong and still won't admit it so there's no trust there.

What do I do? Or rather what should xh be doing? This situation has been so magnified as well as there's no normal distractions. It's just so hard and sad.

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Windmillwhirl Thu 28-May-20 09:11:06

It's a tough one as he is not going to admit anything else. Your daughter knows he lied so is unlikely to believe what he says now.

How old are the children?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 28-May-20 09:16:40

What about you OP?
What do you want to do about this?
Is he supposed to be trying to make it work with you?

ravenmum Thu 28-May-20 09:21:29

When you say he moved out, does that mean you have broken up or not?

longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 09:22:56

The older ones are 13 and 12 both high school.

I can't get back together with him I would never trust him again. This was his second affair and I always said that if he ever did it again it would be over. The annoying thing is that last time I was full of rage but this time it's just sadness which seems to make everything harder.
The children didn't know the reason the first time round as they were too young.

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HeddaGarbled Thu 28-May-20 09:24:00

I think you’ve got enough to deal with, without trying to fix this for him. It’s not really fixable anyway right now. The children need time to deal with this, as do you. I would stop talking about it with him. He’ll do whatever he’s going to do. You’re separated now and it’s not good for you to be involved in nor know about his dealings with the OW.

Ullupullu Thu 28-May-20 09:24:23

The children are way too young to be getting wrapped up in this.

longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 09:24:52

He keeps saying he would love nothing more than to come home and try again and that he's signed for counselling as he obviously has issues but he could be saying all that because he knows I wouldn't take him back now and therefore he gets to try and alleviate his conscience.

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ravenmum Thu 28-May-20 09:26:23

I have to say, I just let my exh get on with it. Told the kids I wasn't angry with the OW, just with him, and made it clear that they should not feel bad about meeting up with the OW if their dad took them out together. He didn't do it straight away, but after a while they met up with her and it wasn't too awkward by the sound of it. (I never asked for any details, though.) Mine were 14 and 16 so a bit older.

longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 09:30:47

It's slightly more complicated as they had met the other woman she was a friend from work and had been to our house, both friends with her on social media and we'd gone to her wedding so she wasn't an 'anonymous' face if you see what I mean.

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Cantpickausername5 Thu 28-May-20 09:35:23

Wasn't this the same guy that you found out was at a hotel parking lot with her and he said it was just to finish with her? I don't think this affair is over at all. I'm sorry. He should just come out and admit it so you could at least move forward. I remember your last thread. I was devastated for you. He is obviously a compulsive liar and cheat. And he difinitely needs counselling. How awful for your poor children to have to deal with this.

CatandtheFiddle Thu 28-May-20 09:35:34

I was 16 when my father did this. My mother threw him out for about 3 hours, then he came weeping back. Children see this as a betrayal of he whole family. Your exDH needs to understand this. It took 40 years for my father to understand that he'd not only betrayed my mother in their adult relationship, but that he'd also betrayed the whole family. And in the meantime, we were supposed not to judge him etc etc blah blah blah

It seems to me that men compartmentalise, and see that they've betrayed their adult relationship, but generally don't notice the harm they do to their children.

ravenmum Thu 28-May-20 09:42:09

In your position I think I'd still point out to the kids that their dad is now single and can see her if he wants. If you are on speaking terms with your ex, perhaps point out that the kids don't want to hear any more lies from him, so it's fair enough if he keeps his relationship private for the moment, but he should really avoid lying as of course they are sensitive to that now.

The kids still come to me sometimes with some quite dickish thing their dad has said, and I tend to just agree that he can be a pain in the arse at times.

Beamur Thu 28-May-20 09:49:52

Ravenmum speaks much sense.

longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 10:14:44

Yes that was me Cantpickausername5 I don't think it's over either and I just want him to be honest with me which is stupid as he obviously can't manage that.

ravenmum I think what you are saying is probably right but I'm not emotionally there yet. I'm not saying to the kids nasty things about their dad just saying things like 'you can hate what someone did but still love that person'. I reassured them that they could still have a relationship with their dad and not for them to feel as though they have 'to be on my side'. But these recent findings is making all of that harder as where do you go from this point when they have zero trust and faith in their dad.

Should I look at getting counselling for them?

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ravenmum Thu 28-May-20 10:36:22

It's early days still, no wonder feelings are still raw. Just keep at it, trying to encourage their relationship with their dad or being as neutral as possible. It does get easier.

You've made the right choice in showing that you won't accept being cheated on. They clearly know their boundaries, too. Your ex is being a real idiot continung to lie. Is he still in denial that he's a cheat? Can't stand admitting that did did something bad?

vikingwife Thu 28-May-20 12:11:06

they don’t need to know the ins & outs of who dad kissed & those details, I get you’re upset but keep working on protecting them from the sordid details & making them take sides. You will be better off mentally not trying to make a cheater be honest with you. You need to trust your gut & be ok with that, they will never be truthful unfortunately...

longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 12:47:08

vikingwife I understand and they don't know any really sordid stuff just that he kissed her more so they understood why we broke up because it literally came out of the blue and I didn't want them thinking that anyone they love could just up and go for no reason.
Since the initial telling of them, the only other detail my eldest knew was her name.

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Thisisworsethananticpated Thu 28-May-20 14:04:17

Some messes can’t be fixed
It’s bloody awful for the kids
But like a death , it happened and it can’t be whitewashed over
It’s not your fault and you can’t fix it

I’d create a distance between you , and do some reading on the impact on teenagers and keeping you and them on an even keel

It’s really hard for you too flowers

Musti Thu 28-May-20 15:19:16

The kids shouldn't be getting involved in this at all. Regardless of what he has done, you both need to tell your children that it doesn't affect his love for them and that he is still his father and that they shouldn't even think about it.

ravenmum Thu 28-May-20 15:35:00

Trouble is with children of a certain age that they involve themselves. My dd took it upon herself to read her dad's texts before I even knew what was going on - she was evidently a bit quicker on the uptake than me. If they already know something or are guessing or speculating, sometimes it's best just to give them the basic information rather than leaving them to think all sort of weird things without talking to you about it.

vikingwife Thu 28-May-20 15:37:09

I think it’s still too much to involve them by revealing he’s kissed another lady, they learnt her name. He did not leave his kids, so not sure why they needed that particular explanation as to why he left... now your daughter is caught in the middle & relaying what she saw on the phone back to you... they are in the middle & it sounds messy. You are making them pick loyalties between you both & setting up the scene that he has betrayed his whole family when this is between you two. I’m not saying you have intended this, but it’s rule #1 to protect children from the ins & outs of adult parental issues in separation situations & there are many other ways you could have explained his departure without revealing the details of his indiscretion.

Flittingabout Thu 28-May-20 15:41:59

You don't need to do anything OP as he has broken this family up and hurt you all on his own.

Just make sure you tell your child you believe her. Having her dad gaslight her is bad enough.

Soontobe60 Thu 28-May-20 15:46:46

They should not be told what has gone on, all they needed to know was that their father had decided to move out because he wasn't happy being with their mother anymore. Telling them about another woman was completely unnecessary and in some way quite cruel.
The fact that you are no longer together means that you have no right to know who he's seeing, just as he has no right to know about your future relationships.
Sometimes people share far too much with their children!

longhaulstress Thu 28-May-20 16:15:36

Honestly a lot of the advice online says to tell your children the age appropriate reason. The youngest has no idea of the reason .I also didn't want them to constantly ask if we could get back together as quite frankly I wasn't strong enough for it. They asked me that a lot first time he had an affair as we'd only told them we weren't happy and.
I've told them all along that we both love them/don't need to take sides. But Children are not stupid especially teenagers who pick up on everything in a household and even more so unfortunately during lockdown where we are each in others pockets 24/7.
In retrospect I shouldn't have told my eldest her name I didn't think it would matter as naively at the time I believed xh that he had finished things. They don't know any other details it's just really really unfortunate she saw her name on her call list.
But they know now and it's advice on moving forward I need not what I should have done as I can't change that now.

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