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Has anyone moved to a new town as a single parent? Were you scared?

(13 Posts)
CakesRus3 Thu 28-May-20 07:47:38

Did you feel frightened to make the move?
I have lived in my current town 30 years and this house for 16. It's what I know, it's where I feel safe. However, they're the only positives. It's a small town, one I don't engage in, too many bad memories growing up and marriage breakdown (he lives around the corner with his girlfriend), with his family all around. I don't have many friends, just ones to keep in contact with to see how each of us are. Its been something I have been thinking about for a long time, I dream about a fresh start. One where I walk out of my front door and I'm not reminded of something or worried I may bump into anyone I don't want to.
I don't wander too far because of this and the thought of engaging in events here, turns my stomach. I usually drive to a destination to shop, walk the dog or grab a coffee.
I have been looking out of area, something affordable. It's about 20 miles away, near where I work. I would definitely keep the girls at their current school so have to commute each day. They're years 8 and 11 (Sep). I wouldn't want to disrupt their schooling and friends. They have out of school activities in which they will still see their friends (again, travel to them).
The one thing I worry about, not sure if it's a silly worry but feeling safe. My girls happily walk our dog alone, also we live alone without any worries. I don't know why, that thought make me anxious. Will I feel settled/safe somewhere else?

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BluebellForest836 Thu 28-May-20 08:04:19

I’d do it.

20 miles isn’t far at all.

Your oldest is nearly out of school as well. Could she stay with her dad in the week 1-2 nights to go straight to school to cut the commute for you?

CakesRus3 Thu 28-May-20 08:21:41

04BluebellForest836 thankyou for your message smile it isn't too far but a complete new town/borough so a little daunting but exciting, hopefully. Unfortunately he doesn't help with childcare etc. I have always had to sort child care and after school activities. He pays maintenance but isn't emotionally involved. That would be helpful though. I work part time (3 days) so on the 2 days it would be less to think about in the morning, I'm thinking anyway.

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elaeocarpus Thu 28-May-20 08:24:40

Ive moved, 10 miles though. Like anything there are pros and cons. A big pro is the distance/space and freedom that brings mentally as well as physically.
Another pro is We are near enough to dad, school, friends that its not a hardship maintaining those was things for the children.
The con is its not a location i would personally have chosen if i was without the kids, but it was a case of balancing affordability, availability, location ( in that its near enough to stay in old school and close to the secondary). I am happy enough, feel safe, nice neighbours etc.

TheClitterati Thu 28-May-20 08:42:27

I lived in London for 24 years and I moved to the coast nearly 2 1/2 years ago with my two primary aged children. I didn't know a sole here - not one person.

I do work from home so that has slowed down meeting people, but I have slowly meet lots of lovely people and we have established ourselves really well here. We are all so happy now it really is lovely living here and I'm so happy I made the leap to do this. I'd go for it if I were you

CakesRus3 Thu 28-May-20 08:44:59

24elaeocarpus thankyou for your message smile I'm glad you feel happy and safe. I really need that feeling of freedom. Still to divorce and settle finances. I'm in an area that is probably the cheapest. If I were to move in a 10 mile radius, the houses go up 50k. I couldn't afford to sell and buy where I am (not that I'd want to) as I couldn't get a mortgage alone for the prices around here. I'm only here as I stayed in the home and even though I have been paying it alone, my mortgage company won't take him off or I can't buy him out. I could stay until my youngest is 18 but I don't want to. I question should I or shouldn't I. Hence the post. I can afford approx 20 miles away. Going slightly further they're lots cheaper again.

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thepeopleversuswork Thu 28-May-20 08:47:22

I think you should do it. Bound to be daunting but as you say it’s a fresh start. If you had a really strong and supportive network where you are now I might be more reluctant to move but it sounds as if it’s fairly toxic for you.

Moving alone is scary but you’re not moving far enough for it to be a real culture shock.

CaptainMyCaptain Thu 28-May-20 08:48:43

I moved over 100 miles on my own in 1987 with my 7 year old. I didn't know a soul, I came for a weekend and bought a house (empty with no chain). I was lucky to have a job I could do anywhere and could buy a house which I couldn't have done in London. When I talk to people about it they say how brave I was but I think it would have been braver, in some ways, to stay where I was. There was no contact with my abusive ex anyway (denied by the court).

It was difficult in the beginning to establish friendships etc but I have been here for more than half my life now and it is home. I have no regrets about doing it.

CakesRus3 Thu 28-May-20 08:49:14

42TheClitterati thankyou for your message smile I'm so glad you are all happy, that's a lovely read. If mine were primary age, I definitely would move their schools and go further as it's so much cheaper. I would love to work from home too smile

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CakesRus3 Thu 28-May-20 08:54:31

47thepeopleversuswork thankyou for your message smile yes, that's another reason. I don't have family close. You're right smile
48CaptainMyCaptain thankyou for your message smile wow that's a big move and very brave. Another lovely read. Yes, I'm a nurse so I could more or less find a job if I wanted to go further. I wouldn't hesitate but I have dd's that are still at secondary school. I'm glad you're happy smile

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Fidgety31 Thu 28-May-20 09:00:19

I moved 150 miles away with my two .
No family support in my home town and no child support either so was just me and the kids .
It has been very very hard to make new friends .
When your kids are older and you don’t do the primary school run there isn’t that interaction with other mums .
I have been here a few years now and have a couple of friends but no one close and it is still lonely .
But I wouldn’t move back to my old town either .

scheffsm Thu 28-May-20 09:25:00

I'm only here as I stayed in the home and even though I have been paying it alone, my mortgage company won't take him off or I can't buy him out.
So he is still named on the mortgage but you are paying it alone? How does this work when you come to sell the property? You will have ended up putting more in them him. Will you get a bigger proportion back than him?

I'd worry about the driving backwards and forwards with the girls to school and also when they want to meet their friends. Are there any buses so that they can at least travel themselves to meet up with people? Otherwise, I can see this becoming quite a burden.

Apart from that, it's a great idea. You will feel much freer when you aren't worried about seeing ex and various other people all the time. You should be able to walk out of your front door without all of this.
I'm having a similar issue at the moment due to a bad relationship breakdown and ex deciding to move to a flat round the corner. It's not nice. I might move as well at some point

CakesRus3 Thu 28-May-20 13:10:22

00Fidgety31 thankyou for your message smile it's very different when your children are older to make friends, I agree. However there are meet up groups, walking etc group you/or I could possibly look in to. I'm not one to socialise too much. I feel my job is enough and a couple of friends for coffee dates is enough. My dd's keep me busy too.
25scheffsm thankyou for your message smile yes, I will get a higher percentage. He has been very difficult so can't wait to move on.
I do worry about the travel to school. I'm not sure how I'd feel until I was actually doing it. My dd's don't go too far other than their after school activities. They're getting older so yes able to arrange to see friends.
I'm sorry you are in the same situation, it's difficult. I don't venture far, other than the shop. I drive to a destination quite a bit. I often long to walk from my home, or on a bike, shop, engage in community events, knowing I won't see anyone or be reminded of something.

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