Inherited poor relationships

[minielise]

When I was growing up I was very aware that my home life wasn’t normal. There were alcohol issues that led to me and my brother having to ring the police on our parents more than once. Always being on edge in public incase one of them got drunk and caused a scene (a parent soiling them self publicly being an example, or a screaming/fighting match with someone that looked at them the wrong way) Constant name calling between our parents and at times directed at me, I was often called miserable and told by my mum that she hates me, but then when situations had calmed this was always denied. An example of this was at 2 am when my mum and brother were loudly playing video games on the tv in our shared room when I had an A level exam the next day at 9am, I asked them to be respectful and let me sleep and this led to the name calling.
Fast forward 14 years and I’m now 32 and have realised that my relationship has some key similarities. My partner drinks to the point that I’m nervous when we go out, he was a mess before the first dance at my brothers wedding and told me he didn’t love me because of how I was being, he’s also broken several limbs while being drunk. At a house party a few months ago he passed out on a sofa and I couldn’t wake him up to get him home and he just laughed it off the next day but I felt humiliated. He flips and shouts at me at home for the smallest reasons, but then denies that he has shouted.

All of my friends that grew up with happy parents seem to now have happy marriages.

Am I destined to be stuck with this as my future? I am saving up a deposit so that I can move out, but part of me thinks that if this is the type of relationship I’m destined for am I best off staying. As much as the incidents bother me, they are every few months rather than daily and I really enjoy the time in between with him.

[minielise]

I know the post is long but I would really appreciate some good/bad experiences to prepare me for what I could end up with.

[snufflebuns]

You accept the love you think you deserve.

Not sure if that is the actual phrase but it's what popped into my head reading your post

Your childhood doesn't sound good and you deserve to have a respectful partner who makes me you feel safe.

Dump him and find someone who doesn't act as a remind of difficult times. You sound lovely.

[minielise]

Thank you

[Italiangreyhound]

minielise I an sorry for the hard upbringing you had.

You do deserve better.

Can I ask a question or two.

You don't mention children. Are you hoping to have children?

Can you imagine your partner as a dad?

If you answered yes to my first question and no to my second, I would really end it now. Get your money together and get your new place and start again.

You are young and can start life afresh. Even if you do not want kids. Do you want to live with someone who makes you unhappy?

I really think counselling could help you break the connection with the past. You do deserve more.

[Sushiroller]

You say partner presumably you aren't married.
Even if you are you always have choices.
The realisation you have come to (ie you are in a bad relationship ams its part of a bigger pattern) is the first step to getting to somewhere healthy.
Be kind to yourself and YY to getting some counselling

[copperoliver]

Don't settle for this you know it's wrong just move on.
Sometimes we find comfort in familiar things.
End this relationship and be on your own for a bit, be happy with yourself and then look for someone nice, you deserve better. X

[minielise]

He already has kids and is a good Dad, if I do go I am going to speak with his cousin who he respects though and mention the drinking. He wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt them but I’m worried he would struggle after I go and the drinking would increase and I don’t like the idea of him potentially passing out and them not being able to wake him in an emergency- although I think this is unlikely to happen because he drinks much less around them.

I’ve tried to get counselling and it was all being set up through email and then I stopped getting a response. I can’t afford to pay for it privately either.

[FromRockBottom]

Reading your post was strange , I had a similar upbringing , I had to study for my exams in the close because my mum had went awol at a boyfriend's drinking and took the electricity money . I got angry at times with the way I was brought up and got labelled as being angry and actually abusive ( by my dear mother) when I was anything but . My counsellor taught me that responding to abusive behaviour with anger is a natural response. I believe your partner is abusing you , both through drinking so much and shouting at you . And you don't deserve this , I promise you , you don't . You deserve calmness and happiness .

Your hormones are going all over the place every time you are triggered by his drinking . And the thing is , this will always trigger you , you might be able to numb it but that will only happen if you care less . And who wants to care less? This is your life . This is it . You don't need to do anything today , or this week or this month . Please look into counselling as a start . I am still a mess , still a way to go . But I have been helped a lot . I do sleep better .

[FromRockBottom]

I'm not an expert , just I know my triggers are strong and they don't seem to go , and I've spoke about it in counselling and they have said that recognising issues and triggers doesn't make them go away they just teach you ways to cope with them... so I'm not an expert. Sorry , your post just resonated with me . I'm sorry for your childhood . It sounds awful .

[Italiangreyhound]

minielise "He already has kids and is a good Dad" and "He wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt them but I’m worried he would struggle after I go and the drinking would increase and I don’t like the idea of him potentially passing out and them not being able to wake him in an emergency- although I think this is unlikely to happen because he drinks much less around them."

You are not responsible for him. If you decide to leave then it's fine to go. Whether he drinks around his kids may be an issue but if you do not want to stay with him then you can't necessarily stop him doing it.

If you want to speak to his cousin by all means do. What do you think might happen? Might he stop drinking because of you? If so, why hasn't he done it before. Or have you not told him it bothers you and reminds you of your parents?

"I’ve tried to get counselling and it was all being set up through email and then I stopped getting a response. I can’t afford to pay for it privately either." How did you get refereed? Go back to your GP and ask for a new referral. You may get phone counselling, I hope you do and it really helps.

FromRockBottom I am so sorry for your experiences and totally agree with you. "This is your life . This is it ."

Please have a great life, FromRockBottom and minielise





I’ve tried to get counselling and it was all being set up through email and then I stopped getting a response. I can’t afford to pay for it privately either.

[Annettebee]

I had alcoholic parents. I would find his behaviour triggering.
If he won't sort himself out leave him.
You did your time in your childhood, refuse to let anyone treat you like this, you're an adult now you can choose the life you want.
Have boundaries, know what you don't like & don't put up with it

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry, I meant, "You are not responsible for him. If you decide to leave then it's fine to go. Whether he drinks around his kids may be an issue but whether you stay or go you can't necessarily stop him doing it.

[Italiangreyhound]

And I repeated the bit about counselling, that you said. Sorry that was a mistake.

[Italiangreyhound]

I missed this bit before.

You also said "He flips and shouts at me at home for the smallest reasons..."

I think that's abusive.

"...but then denies that he has shouted."

And i think that that is gaslighting, telling you that things you know to be true are not true.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting