My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

That’s awful. I could not be with a man like that, sorry. And I would feel a bit uneasy about his relationship with your DD.

[Idododoidadada]

If you find it upsetting imagine how your son feels.

Appalling that he treats your DS like that, telling him he would look stupid, raising his voice & swearing. Awful that your good natured son, to keep the peace, accepts the way he’s treated. What did you say to him for treating your son like that?

[WindowsSmindows]

I think you are describing emotional abuse.
No way your children aren't aware.
This will fuck them up and prevent t them from having a close relationship with each other, or with you, when they are older.

[gamerchick]

I wouldn't manage it. I would absolutely face it head on and have a stern conversation with my husband about the treatment of my kids. If he wanted to stay my husband that is and I wouldn't mince my words.

Your bairn depends on you for a safe and calm environment that won't make him feel anxious, he didn't ask for this person to come into his life.

[HotPenguin]

The example you give sounds like shit behaviour by your husband, your DS wanted to do something completely reasonable. Your DH raised his voice, insulted him and swore. That's not ok. Even if your DS had been doing something really annoying it's not ok, and why is your DH trying to control what a 14 year old wears? You need to have serious words with your DH about his behaviour.

[Crocky]

I wouldn’t be managing it. I would be taking my children out of it.

[HoldMyWeave]

Why are you going to the beach?

[BluebellForest836]

Why are you still with him?

[Sugartitss]

You’re also part of the problem allowing this.

This is actually abuse and you need to get rid of him. Pronto.

[OtterBe4]

You never noticed any of this in the last 7 years?
Tell your ‘DH’ this has to stop or the marriage does, he sounds like a bully/creep.

[BluebellForest836]

Also what did you say to your husband about his behaviour when he raised his voice to your son and then swore?

Or did you just let it go

[DarlingMarianne]

We live a 2 minute walk from our local beach. It's a very quiet beach, few people there. No breach of isolation!

[Aria2015]

My ex step dad did this. He favoured girls over boys. He was lovely to me but horrible to my brothers. Would get impatient with them, shout at them etc... My mum isn't with him any more but both my brothers reflect with great sadness on how he treated them and although they both love my mum, I know they think she really let them down by allowing it to happen.

[Littleshortcake]

Your son sounds like a gorgeous and sensible boy. I couldn't put up with it to be honest. Your children have to be your priority.

[LaurieFairyCake]

People are allowed to go to the beach

I think he needs to work hard to get on with your son and I'm very concerned at the aggression that he's displaying with the swearing

The 'lovely and jokey' is because she's female and not a threat to him, whereas the boy is.

[AdultierAdult]

My mum was with someone who was nasty to me (and my sister) when I was a teenager and I’ve never felt the same about her since. I felt really sad for your son reading that.

[ConcentricCircles]

Yes, my father was like this with me and my brother, except I was the guilty, stupid, useless, fat, failure, and my brother could do no wrong, according to him. Mum enabled him by pandering to his controlling, bullying behaviour because 'your dad's never wrong you know'.

The fog began to lift about 10 years ago, and 5 years after that I went no contact with both of them. I finally am no longer feel to be any of those things, and am actually quite a success in my work.

I'm now 60 years old, and sometimes still struggle with it all.

Do something for your children NOW, not decades down the line.

[DarlingMarianne]

I did not let it go, no. We're still not talking.

I am really, really upset by it. He knows that, but defends what he said / did by saying I over reacted, and that he didn't mean anything by it but 'didn't want him to look stupid or get too hot'.

[Takingontheworld]

This is absolutely awful..your poor son 💔

Holdmyweave- maybe because its perfectly legal..and most definitely not the most concerning thing here.


Why have you let this go on? He is not at all amazing

[TwistyHair]

That’s just not ok. Favouritism like that messes up both the favoured one and the less favoured one. He needs to really think about why you’re son triggers him so much and then he needs to change his behaviour.

[ProseccoBubbleFantasies]

I'm sorry, OP, but I agree with PPs. It's your job to protect your son.
You sound like you've chosen your DH over him. That must be incredibly hurtful - and damaging.

[TwistyHair]

And by triggers, I don’t mean to lay any blame on your son. I mean what inside your husband is triggered. His own internal workings.

[Pickles89]

What a nasty piece of work! Your poor son.

[LovingLola]

What does he say when you speak to him about it? What do your children say when you speak to them about the way your husband treats them? Does your son know that you are aware of what your husband is doing ?

[noyoucannotcomein]

Your husband is a vile bully. And your son is clearly going to be ten times the man your husband is.