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I've never mentioned this ......

(32 Posts)
yama Thu 20-Sep-07 22:02:00

Don't know where to start.

Here goes: The father of my beautiful wee girl headed back to South Africa before she was born. I hold no bad feelings towards him - he was just too young.

Anyway, my partner now, my daughter's father, the love of my life is her father.

I don't ever worry about the biological father coming back.

Don't now what I'm trying to post really but someone said to me today that blood was thicker than water.

Is it?

Happynow Thu 20-Sep-07 22:07:31

Never really understood/believed that saying.

TotalChaos Thu 20-Sep-07 22:08:33


expatinscotland Thu 20-Sep-07 22:09:32


12lbnaturally Thu 20-Sep-07 22:09:55

I don't believe that at all. Some men out there are knowingly bringing up other people's kids and doing a really good job at it.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Sep-07 22:10:33

I mean, you marry someone who isn't related to you by blood, right? And that bond is meant to be incredibly strong. So that rather flies in the face of the blood is thicker than water maxim.

funnypeculiar Thu 20-Sep-07 22:12:32

wasn't there some research published recently that looked at relships between adoptees & natural born babies? Found no difference in depth/intensity of relship.
So no.

NotAnOtter Thu 20-Sep-07 22:18:59

a stupid saying

Happynow Thu 20-Sep-07 22:19:37

Can understand that you're disquiet about it. But that's a long way off maybe(ie. your daughter discovering her biological father). It's understandable to feel emotion towards him for providing you with such a lovely little girl and even feelings of longing. Don't look at the loss. You can choose your friends - you can't choose your family. You're in charge, make the most of it. Good luck!

KaySamuels Thu 20-Sep-07 22:20:46

No it isn't.
My bil was in your dp's situation and raised his gfs eldest as his own, he is now all grown up and they have a fab relationship, even when bil and gf split up, he maintained contact with both kids equally. Biological dad initiated contact a few years back and he said 'I have a dad'. You would never know they weren't 'real' father and son. smile

arewenearlythereyet Thu 20-Sep-07 22:21:30

will you tell your daughter that she has a 'biological' fella/father out there. or are you going to say nothing?

madamez Thu 20-Sep-07 22:24:05

THe only area where I would advise caution is: don't hide from your DD the fact that she has a biological father. Really, don't do it, however tempting. Because when the truth comes out (and it will) there is no more earth-shattering betrayal. As with adopted children, etc, tell them when they are tiny, so that if it's always known but no big deal (and the parents who look after them, wipe their bums, dry their tears, help with their homework etc, are their parents) then it never needs to become a big deal.

arewenearlythereyet Thu 20-Sep-07 22:27:00

totally agree with madamez, thats what I was getting at really

yama Thu 20-Sep-07 22:27:54

My dp and I haven't dicsussed it.

I know deep down that her biological father will not turn up but there is no plan if he does.

Yes, I will tell our dd the truth but I don't know when.

bossybritches Thu 20-Sep-07 22:29:41

I agree with all posters. Your Dp is her dad. A friend of mine in that situation said she always told her DS that he had another biological Dad but that the DP had CHOSEN her & him together, because he could see they were special, & had been as good as his real dad. He was very proud of that fact !grin

Happynow Thu 20-Sep-07 22:30:30

Yes, that's a given I would think. Though no idea when would be best to introduce.

MaryBleedinPoppins Thu 20-Sep-07 22:34:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happynow Thu 20-Sep-07 22:36:47

That's really good advice from MaryBP I think.

gess Thu 20-Sep-07 22:36:57

How old is she? Perhaps write a book (this is advised with adopted children). it's her life book. WIth photos about her biologial father, and also her 'proper' father who loves her and chose her and worships her. Then just read it to her. That way she always knows, it's not an issue, it;'s not something to be 'told' it's just how it is.

madamez Fri 21-Sep-07 12:36:40

MaryP has it bang on: tell her when you don't think she can quite understand, mention is every now and again so it's just a facto of her life and nothing to worry about. It doesn't matter if he never gets in touch, these things come out anyway (she'll need to know aspects of her medical history at some stage, for instance, or there will be some kind of blood group/eye colour thing that she learns about in biology at school that demonstrates her lack of genetic connection to your DP, etc).

mynameis Fri 21-Sep-07 12:45:00

Totally agree with madamez as long as your DD knows the truth of her background. I was never told (and still haven't been) that my father wasn't my biological father. Comments that seemed out of place over the years aroused my suspicions enough to get my original birth certificate. I was shattered tbh more from the lie that was kept up all these years than the fact that I had never had any contact with my 'father'. Blood isn't thicker than water but TRUTH is paramount xx

dirtmonkey Fri 21-Sep-07 13:17:19

MaryBP, absolutely brilliant advice. I am adopted and have always known. Really cannot remember a time when I didn't. It was so much easier for me than for a friend who was told when she hit her teens.

Yama,your dp will always be her dad, putting the sticking plasters on, helping with homework, scaring off boyfriends etc but she may one day want to see the other half of "who made her". It will probably be just curiosity.

My mum was always very open with me and even helped me to get hold of my adoption records. I think if you are open with your dd this will never become an issue but if you hide it from her she could hold it against you and your dp which would be awful for you all. I have never looked for my birth parents but knowing that I can if I want to is very important. Not sure I have made much sense here.

yama Sat 22-Sep-07 21:16:26

Thank you all so much for your posts. I can see that he is a terrific father (I never doubted it).

I just often wonder what the impact will be on my dd in later years.

I feel much better for reading your posts.

Thanks again.

mumzyof2 Sun 23-Sep-07 19:42:21

Im in the same position, kind of. My sons biological dad wanted nothing to do woth him when I was pregnant, so we split, he moved away, saw my ds about 6 times in his first year, despite me asking him to see ds more often. Eventually the visits fizzled out. Once I met my new partner, I hunted down ds biological dad, to see if he wanted to see ds, but after 3 months of pressure from his parents, he still didnt, so all that ended. So now my dp is bringing up my son who will be 3 in december. he doesnt call him daddy, although has done a handful of times, and i have to say, it makes me uncomfortable. but blood ISNT ALWAYS thicker than water. go with our instinct.

AbRoller Sun 23-Sep-07 19:57:39

hi yama. I don't think blood is thicker than water. I grew up without my bio father but a wonderful uncle (very complicated story but very normal to me as it was all I ever knew)who, to this day, I call dad even though I now he's not. He's not even a stepdad, he's my bio aunts husband (so no blood connection). I love him more than I could possibly say. Apart from medical problems, any man can be a father but it takes a special someone to be a dad.

I recently got in touch with my bio father and we a building a relationship but my uncle was and always will be my dad. I love him dearly and will always be grateful that he never made me feel any less important among my cousins. He was my dad too and I am thankful everyday for him being in my life.

My father is a man who was too immature to handle the responsibility of a child but he is not a bad man he's just not my dad - father/dad? big difference to me.

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