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Distance in marriage

(10 Posts)
Tictocktic Wed 27-May-20 20:49:06

I haven't been married long, but recently we have had a lot of stressful events, moving house, I'm pregnant, and of course, like everyone else lockdown which has taken its toll on our tolerance levels.
An argument escalated the other day where I, in retrospect, acted badly but it ended in him telling me I was 'acting like a selfish cunt.'
We usually just make up and don't bring up arguments after they have happened but the past few days I've felt a lot of distance between us, which is unusual in our marriage, so approached it this evening and said I was still upset about what he said and I can't be spoken to like that. Ever again. Instead of an apology or discussion he seemed irritated. I carried on explaining why it upset me, and he basically countered with he wont call me that again as long as I dont act how I did again.
We usually have a very open, honest and caring marriage. I'm really worried this is a big red flag. Just wondering what other people think of this behaviour?

OP’s posts: |
blubberball Wed 27-May-20 20:55:39

I mean, it's not great. Could be just the stress of everything, but keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't become a regular situation.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 27-May-20 20:59:20

What was the row about? You’re hurt by his language, he’s hurt by your actions.

Tictocktic Wed 27-May-20 21:24:49

He wanted to facetime his friends as I was going to bed, and I kicked off way more than the situation deserved. He, like most people, hasn't seen anyone for weeks and understandably just wanted to have a chat. I was being overly hormonal and tired, I was worried I wouldn't be able to get to sleep with the noise of his video call.
Really mature, important stuff blush
Then when he was vaguely annoyed I just overreacted and got borderline hysterical, when it definitely didnt deserve that reaction

OP’s posts: |
Sunshinedu Wed 27-May-20 23:04:23

Did you tell him any of the above,communication communication.Sit him down and explain exactly as you have written and he will come round fast.
We all have bad days

thepeopleversuswork Wed 27-May-20 23:11:28

I'm normally pretty zero tolerance about language like that being used in rows, but I think in the circumstances I'd let that go and keep an eye on it. If it starts to become a pattern then reassess. But given the extraordinary stress he's been under and the need to connect with people I think its not a hill to die on.

I can sort of relate to being irritated at the prospect of a noisy call in the next room but I think you should probably have bit the bullet on that one.

Jennifer2r Wed 27-May-20 23:20:58

Neither of you are coming across well here.

FifteenToes Wed 27-May-20 23:30:50

Just a thought, and I could be way off, but - it's possible that since a large part of the initial row itself had to do with him feeling unfairly controlled and constrained by you, he now can't apologize because that would (in his mind) be giving in to the same mechanism of control. Even if he can see that you have a point and an apology is appropriate.

There can be huge issues of power and powerlessness wrapped up in the notion of apology - in apologising, in refusing to apologise, in expecting an apology from someone else, in accepting it (or not) when you get it.

I think sometimes you just have to try and make sure everyone has gotten their point across and everyone understands where everyone else is on the subject, and then leave it. Time will tell whether he's taken on board the strength of your feeling or not.

Tictocktic Thu 28-May-20 07:56:02

Thank you, this is all really sound advice. I will try and attempt to put it into action and move on from this and focus on communication and be aware this doesn't happen again @fifteentoes, your advice particularly helped.

@jennifer2r I am absolutely aware neither of us are coming off well with what I had wrote, I wasnt seeking judgement, I was looking for help.

OP’s posts: |
LemonTT Thu 28-May-20 10:23:06

OP he will have a different perspective on this. Your behaviour was clearly unacceptable to him. I agree with this based on your own account. Pregnancy shouldn’t be an excuse for behaving hysterically towards him.

His behaviour is equally unacceptable and cannot be excused by being a reaction to you. But he is unlikely to own that until you do. Which is what he said when you spoke to him.

I don’t know how the conversation with him went. However it does sound like you told him off and expected an apology. In return he told you off. Now you are both unhappy with each other all over again.

Both of you see this as a situation in which you are owed an apology. As adults you both need to see that your behaviour was unacceptable and that you need to apologise for it without qualification or excuse.

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