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Bf is depressed and I don’t know how to help?!

(6 Posts)
Lemononachair Wed 27-May-20 10:57:17

Since lockdown things have gone very south very fast for my Bf (boyfriend). He lost his job so has no money and due to a complicated a completely unforseen (and not his fault) set of circumstances has now lost his transport so he is really stuck. He moved back in with his mum a few weeks ago as I am on NMW and furloughed and I just can’t afford to feed and support both of us on the pittance that I’m getting. It’s a struggle for both of us.

He has now sunk into a deep depression as we live quite rurally and there is no transport so he really is stuck in the middle of nowhere with no ability to even look for or get to another job if he could find one.

I know the feeling. Last year I was in a similar position and I managed, with the support of my parents and friends, to claw myself out of it. He is not, he is just sitting at home and wallowing in misery, talking about killing himself. It’s so hard to hear and I don’t know how to help. I can’t give him any financial aid and every suggestion I make tends to get brushed off with an excuse as to why he can’t do that. I know that when I was at rock bottom I desperately needed people to support me and help me while I fixed things and sorted myself out. It was incredibly hard at times and I’m not sure I could have done it without help.

But I’m getting very frustrated. He doesn’t want to go out and go for walks to get some fresh air which is about all we can do together at the moment. His sleep pattern is virtually non existant because he has no reason to get up in the morning anymore so he sleeps all day and is up all night. This is not conducive to anything healthy or positive. I don’t know how much I can continue to try and help him if he refuses to take any steps to help himself. I know how hard it is being depressed, I really, really do. I have been there myself. I also know that burying your head in the sand and doing nothing will not improve the situation, things won’t just magically fix themselves if you do nothing. How much can I or should I be trying? If I walk away from him I’ll feel like a callous, heartless bitch abandoning him in his time of need. But at the moment I am not getting anything out of this relationship and I have my own problems, which are vast and I cannot devote time and energy in trying to heal myself when I’m so focussed on what he is doing or feeling. He hasn’t even spoken to me in days.

I feel so guilty and selfish but what more can I do? The only things I can think to do are either:

1. Step it up a notch. Go to his house and be really insistent. Make him get up, shower, and get out of the house, whatever I can do.

2. Withdraw completely and let him get on with it himself.

I don’t think 1 will work. I am not a pushy enough person and even his mum can’t seem to do that for him. But 2 feels so awful. Is there another way?

OP’s posts: |
Ilovetheseventies Wed 27-May-20 11:05:09

Why not send him a message with some of the points you've written here. Tell him you love him. If you think you can ask him how he is every day and if he wants to go for a walk etc. That way you are sending him a clear message that you want to support him. Does he have a history of depression. Maybe find some phone numbers of help lines.
There's only so much you can do. I think if I was in his position I might just do the same but then eventually you have to get through it don't you?

Lemononachair Wed 27-May-20 11:22:39

He does have a history of depression. It’s not really an option at the moment but he doesn’t want to see a GP about it, either for councilling or antidepressants.

I’ve been trying to talk to him every day, asking if he wants to go for walks or just wants to see me. We were talking every day but now he hasn’t even looked at my messages since Sunday let alone responded. I know he’s in a bad place right now but being ignored when I’m just trying to help is detrimental to my own MH. How long am I expected to hang around and be supportive when he won’t even talk to me?

OP’s posts: |
Ilovetheseventies Wed 27-May-20 14:15:14

Can you perhaps talk to his mum? I'm not sure what I would do in Yr situation. It would depend on lots of things such as how long you've been with him, how serious the relationship is. Is it worth trying to sort things out? Also people that know him and you.
You can't really be left in limbo. It's not fair ignoring you, he can't be that unwell that he won't respond to Yr messages.
If it's a fairly short term relationship then you owe him nothing. If he didn't have you he'd just have to get on with it.
I'd be inclined to do option 2 if say I'd been seeing him for a long time and it was a serious relationship.
I'm not saying this is the case but is there any possibility he is using some of this as an excuse to curtail the relationship.

Bananalanacake Wed 27-May-20 15:22:18

When me BF had depression he would stay at home, we didn't live together, I told him to contact me when he wanted to meet. I gave him space and left him alone.

tenlittlecygnets Wed 27-May-20 19:44:36

How long have you been together?

Could you contact his mum, say you're worried about him?

Difficult to know how much support you should give, or whether it would be best to walk away.

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